A Power Within

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The Tree and The Hawk.

Hamada's Tree From Micheal Morse.

Hamada’s Tree in Rhode Island

The Special Ray Of Light 15.11 hrs 6.12.2010

“Hamada’s  Special Ray Of Light” here in the Village.

When I first started writing my “Poems of Love”  for Hamada I was amazed at the many who also seem to enjoy them and understood my reason for keeping a diary of these difficult days. One of the very first comments I ever received was from a wonderful gentleman Lt (now Captain) Michael Morse of Providence, Rhode Island.  Michael  as an Emergency Medical Technician in Providence, works in a team of very brave men and woman all willingly risking there lives every day, to help and save the community of Providence, dealing with drug overdoses, gunshot wounds, suicides and all manner of  medical emergencies that are all in a days work for them. These are extremely brave and courageous people working continuously in often very difficult conditions.

Five years ago in the early hours of  the morning, Michael was surfing the net and came across my little blog written here in this tiny village in the UK. During a quiet moment and a lull in calls he settled down to  read some of my poems. They seem to appeal to him, he wrote  on his blog and I quote:

“Susie’s poems hit home in so many ways. Heroes are all around us, fighting life and death battles, facing the fear of uncertainty yet still able to inspire others during the darkest days of their lives. People previously unknown to me and living on another continent are fighting with amazing grace, dignity and courage” and so this started the many comments and sincere praise that he often sent my way. He pointed out that he has never been very interested in poetry but mine tugged at his heart and he found himself becoming more interested in the story behind them.

Michael is a most compassionate man – he would not be doing the job he does tirelessly every day  if this was not so. He is a wonderful writer, logging as he does the daily problems and trials and tribulations of the work he does as a EMS/Fire-fighter on his wonderful blog www.rescuingprovidence.com    Michael’s comments encouraged me to continue writing the updates and poems that made Hamada’s Blog “A Power Within” http://www.susiehemingway.blogspot.com  the success it became.

So Michael followed Hamada’s blog and online through his comments, Michael and Hamada became good friends, a connection you could say.  Michael’s  very popular book “Rescuing Providence” was sent, read and enjoyed very much by Hamada. I would pass-on all the comments Michael wrote under my poems – somehow, someway, Michael gave Hamada more courage.

Continuing another extract shown here from Michaels blog, explains well this connection:

“One night, as I sat at my desk in a little office in a  fire station in a small city in the US, I opened my window to the world known as the Internet, and moved the little mouse over something called “Verve Earth”, and randomly zig-zagged  across the map of the world, wondering where I might stop. When I was a kid I used to go to the  globe, which for those who never saw one is a three dimensional orb which replicates Planet Earth, mounted on a holder of sorts that allows the earth to spin. I’d give it a good push, and lightly place my finger on the surface as it spun, and wherever it stopped, that’s  where I decided I would go. This night, it stopped in England, “in a beautiful village nestling by the river Bain in the heart of the Lincolnshire Wolds.”  There, I was introduced to Susie and Hamada, a happily married couple, living gracefully through the curse of Multiple Myeloma.  Through Susie’s poems I was allowed entry into the most astonishing love story ever written. The simple complexity of her words, full of pain but able to articulate enduring hope travelled an ocean, and opened a part of my heart that had been closed since 1990, when my father battled cancer and lost. The profound sadness I felt when I heard the news that Hamada had died literally crippled me. I never spoke to Hamada, nor heard him speak. I only knew him through the words his wife used to describe their life together, and his courage and dignity during his last few years. Yet I knew him. And I’m a better person because of it. I imagine Hamada will be laid to rest, “in this beautiful village nestling by the river Bain in the heart of the Lincolnshire Wolds.”  I imagine his friends and family will join the solemn occasion, and pay their respects, and mourn his loss. But here in my little place, back in my little office, watching the world through my window the sadness I felt has been replaced, and in its place something greater and timeless resides, and I have Susie and Hamada to thank, for without them, I would not have experienced “The Power Within”

Michael of the Giant Heart read my poems and never fail to send a comment or a good wish our way and as you have read, very saddened when Hamada’s journey came to an end. Now to the special  story of  “The Tree and The Hawk”

On the day we laid Hamada to rest  in this little country village in Middle England– this freezing cold Winters day when the ground was thick with snow and ice – and many had come to pay their respects to our  beloved warrior, at  approximately the same time on the other side of the  world, a very kind  and compassionate man was taking his regular walk  and passing a large old tree near to his home he watched a huge hawk flitting above him in the branches. As he approached this tree, the hawk suddenly stayed very still and appeared to look down at him. The hawk stayed this way for sometime, causing the man beneath to feel something most spiritual.  This man was Michael who was so move by this experience he felt the need to say his own goodbyes to Hamada.

Then once again on another day as Michael walked his usual route, at the very same spot he had said  goodbye to Hamada  he looked up, and the giant hawk again landed on a branch about thirty feet above him, in this old  tree. A flock of mockingbirds descended upon him, dive bombing and pestering him, but the bird refuse to move ( much like Hamada with his courage) and just sat there, and again  they looked at each other for nearly five minutes, again the spiritual feeling.

How I love this,another connection made. Hawks remind me of the wonderful Falcons of the desert and Hamada loved to watch them when we lived in the United Arab Emirates. Yes, a hawk is most suitable for my Hamada who just  may have been paying his respects to this kind and compassionate man who befriended him  during the many months of  his courageous fight with the wretched illness that is Multiple Myeloma. Two good men making a connection through this modern world of ours. Miles apart, never having met, never having spoken, but a connection for sure.   Thanks Mike.

All Rights Reserved: 2011

“Ray of Light Photo” Courtesy of Janey Johnson Photos.

Coffee Morning Cakes.

A Mocha (coffee and chocolate) Victoria Sponge Cake filled with butter cream and a fat-less Sponge Cake topped with chocolate butter cream. Ready for the Horncastle coffee morning. Raising  funds for St Margaret’s Church Hemingby.

Cakes for Coffee Morning - Mar 2011 007

Such An Exciting Week!

Beach at Sharm (Matts)

This has been a very busy and some what exciting week! It started  when my sons Jo and Matt invited me to join them all on their summer holidays in August. They usually arrange something about this time of  year but I have not been able to join them in recent years, as leaving Hamada for a fortnight in the care of others would not have been something I would have considered. This year they had their usual grand debate about having a villa in Tuscany or the South of France.  They really love villa holidays and a large crowd all went together last year, having much fun. They are also lovers of the “All Inclusive” deals that  take all the hassle out of  arranging flights, accommodation and all the extras that go with a really good holiday. So this year we are all going to a very nice hotel near the Red Sea in Egypt. Both of my sons have been there before  and do select well from the Hotels they know. This particular Hotel has a large casino,  so I must put aside a little for that. What fun!  Also Shisha and a nice Spa which Mummy likes very much. The recent troubles in Egypt have not reached this far, having a nephew in this area he assures me that all is calm and much the same as always. Egypt relies so much on it’s tourism that they must get back to normal as soon as possible. So lets hope it stays calm and peaceful and we get to go later in the year, I can’t wait!

So having then really got the holiday bug I  booked a sneaky week away in May. Taking a page from their notebooks, doing the “all inclusive” thingy. This time a nice looking  hotel about a mile from Denia on the Costa Blanca in Spain. I’m going back to a place I first visited in 1968. Denia was only a small port village then but is now a large rambling  town. Set at the base of Mount Montgo, it has a very pretty Marina and I chose a hotel  near to the sea-front and a room with a balcony.  I shall look forward to doing a little walking  in the May sunshine and also catching-up with an old friend while I am there too.

What a hoot! Two holidays booked in one week! Get me,the lady who has hardly left her village in five years, with only one exception, a short holiday in 2008 when we managed to take Hamada to Minorca, so he could dip his toes in the Mediterranean once more.

And so my exciting week continued…when attending a local auction I bid successfully on several lots, coming home with a much battered 1920’s writing desk. Needing much restoring but won for a ‘song’.
I may leave this desk with it’s busy past alone, as it seems to tell a story showing well it’s providence and what life has done to it, much like me really!

auction stuff Feb 2011 019                   002

Then with a really silly bid,  I managed to get a  lovely picture  that I fell in love with on the preview day. This picture shown below, called “Oranges and Lemons” was in a lot of two old pictures, well knocked about. I have cleaned and restored them  and one  now hangs in my sitting room the other, a sort of old Art Nouveau print is in a guest bedroom.

               auction stuff Feb 2011 001          

There was a few other little things but needless to say these also needed some restoration work, this will give me  much pleasure to attempt and with little cost  turn these bargains into something worthwhile. It was such an exciting day as  my Sister Jenny and I were also bidding for another friend and I loved watching what items sold for, what we could manage to achieve and the antics of the whole procedure. We plan to make this a regular event, it’s such fun even if you don’t spend a thing. It was warm and cosy,we had lunch and even made new friends. Our local Town of Horncastle is well known for it’s antiques shops and with many house clearances that make-up the majority of these auctions. I am planning another little foray into this unique world of  the local Auctions . Exciting it was! 

“Thinking of You”

 

Tawlah

Like all the days before.
And all the days that come.
I am thinking of you.
Where are those dark eyes of my pleasure?
The warm gentle smile, our kisses.
I can hear you, I can smell you.
I have so much to tell you.

 

The clearest visions in my mind,
are of your beautiful hands.
Shuffling the cards or counters of “tawlah”
I miss our games! I miss so much
your calm movements, your voice,
your love…
I feel your presence but cannot find you.
The world is going crazy, do you know of that?
I wonder what you would  have said?

 

I know you would be proud of me.
You always were.
Everyone says I’m doing well.
Doing all you told me to do.
Perhaps I need more practice
I always needed more practice!
Remember? (smile)
I don’t need to shut my eyes to see you.
Your presence is always here.
In that place I carry around with me.

 

Do you know its almost three months
I’m thinking of you today
Like every day.
                                      I’m thinking of you…

 

All Rights Reserved.

A Special Time.

When I was caring for Hamada my son Jo asked what would I like to do when I was able to spend some time away from home. When you are a carer well for me anyway, I seldom thought beyond the next day prescriptions, caring, or hospital appointments. We still had great occasions but going anywhere in the past few years was of course difficult. You give of yourself gracefully when you love someone deeply. Still somewhere tucked away was a wish to see the old haunts of London again.  I had worked there in the sixties and have never lost my love of  this wonderful city.It had been a long time since I have spent anytime there and you probably know the old saying   “When you are tired of London, you are tired of life” and I am certainly not tired of life! 

So last week I drove down to my son Jo’s beautiful barn in the Chilterns,  such an amazing weeks stay, right  from the moment I arrived to the lovely on-suite room on the first floor.

My Stay At Jo's Feb 2011 001

Jo had arranged some wonderful carefully selected treats that he knew I would just love. Starting straight away on the first night with cocktails at a very exclusive club in Beaconsfield  called “Crazy Bear” www.crazybeargroup.co.uk  The stunning elaborate decor was something else! take a look at the link.  I spent the whole time admiring the setting and the beautiful young people that adorned this trendy place. I selected the  pretty coral pink cocktail “Singapore Sling” the base being Bombay Sapphire Gin which is a firm favourite of mine. It was absolutely delicious!  From Crazy Bear we went on to a rather cool Moroccan restaurant “Ayoush” www.ayoush.com  we had a Mezza starter and  then a delicious chicken and spinach dish which was supremely buttery, something I will try to recreate at home. Then a Lamb Tagine which is so typically Moroccan and with the Arabic music playing, it really set the scene, I felt as if I had already had a little holiday in some foreign clime.

The weekend brought the best surprises with a real reason to dress-up!  Jo drove early to London the first stop being  the exciting, simply amazing Vertigo42 ! www.vertigo42.co.uk  this cool champagne bar overlooking almost the whole of London. We sat on high stools in front of sheer plate glass, going through security and then whizzing –up in the fastest lift possible I was beyond excited.  This magical vision which delighted me as I quickly spotted,  St Pauls Cathedral, Tower Bridge, The Millennium Wheel, City Bank in Canary Wharf and all those sparkling lights of old London Town. The shining curves of the River Thames slithering like a snake between the old and the new buildings of this wonderful capital. Even looking down! on the aptly named Gherkin which shadowed below us made my heart beat faster. What a thrill, I could have stayed there forever watching and looking at the amazing history of this sensational  twinkling  city-view, from what seemed like the middle of the sky.

Next stop was a treat beyond compare and a place that I had long to visit again, having gone there for afternoon tea in the late 60’s when as a young girl I was working in London. Yes you’ve probably guessed “The Ritz”  This beautiful old hotel which dates back to 1906 and opened by Swiss hotelier Caesar Ritz. The building is neo classical in the Louis XVI manner, built to resemble a stylish Parisian block of flats. It was the first substantial steel-frame structure in London.  Elegant beyond compare with service of  exceptional perfection. From the moment the door of Jo’s car was opened for me and the doorman taking the car for parking, to the warm welcome and  perfect attention to the visitors needs and just ultimate luxury throughout. With its faded pinks and gold ornate ceilings and priceless crystal chandeliers, it is a delightful place to visit. We had cocktails at the art deco Rivoli Bar which was divine and with a perfect “Iceberg” I drank  this beautiful azure blue drink in these quite perfect surroundings as my eyes feasted on the splendid soft lighting and perfect elegance of this stunning hotel. I thought later as I tip-toed down the pink faded carpet to the Ladies Power Room, just who had walked those stairs before. Edward VII,Charlie Chaplin, Sir Winston Churchill, Noel Coward for sure, Judy Garland,Evelyn Waugh,Elizabeth Taylor. Oh! such names to conjure with.

The Rivoli Bar, built in the Art Deco style, was designed in 2001 by interior designer Tessa Kennedy, to look like a bar on the Orient Express.It certainly looked like that and so much more. It is wonderful to know that these elegant places still survive in this sometimes harsh world of ours. Stunning and spectacular!

We are not really supposed to take photos but I will insert these two that were taken by mobile phone – so does that count I wonder?

                                                 “Putting On The Ritz”

 The Ritz - London Feb 2011Susie at the Ritz - Feb 2011

Jo is a perfect host, looking after me so well during my five day”special treat” stay, he has inherited many of his Fathers elegant and stylish ways. I am supremely proud of him, how clever his wonderful distraction therapy has been at this time.

Thank you Jo. Mummy will return to her quiet little village content and thrilled at this fabulous treat and my memories of this delicious time will stay for always.

So Many Things To Cheer !

                1967 Chair 002

Moving on now with days  becoming more cheery and loads of Spring shoots appearing in the garden which always brighten your spirits. It goes without saying that of course  I am still missing my special man very much, but there has been much excitement in the “Hemingway home” to keep me distracted. I have so much to be grateful for.  Jo and his new lady arrived for a really nice weekend together with Ellie (my niece ) and Stu, with all of us having a jolly time at  the village pub over a  good meal. The house seemed brighter and it was lovely to have their company.

Firstly something to cheer and  finishing last week, a new vamped kitchen! Bringing everything more up-to-date with wonderful work achieved by dear brother-in-law Ian. Keeping the cost down by using the little bit out-of date but still good condition, existing cabinets. I added two extra high level cookers and two new hobs. All the cabinets and power had to be redone with new under-shelf lighting and a microwave was added into a concealed cabinet to make it more streamline and modern. It was no easy task as rearranging an older kitchen is always so much harder than starting from scratch. It was long overdue but not being able to have the disruption while Hamada was poorly I am now thrilled with the result. Thank you Ian, for putting up with all my requests and for the perfect work achieved.

New kitchen Jan 2011 007

Also, as shown in top photo, I wanted you to see the wonderful work my sister Jenny did re-upholstering a chair that I’ve had since 1967 ! This chair with the most unusual shape being very wide at the back, was brought for me by a dear Aunt who is no longer with us and so the chair was much treasured. It was very shabby having been used all these years for everything from a nursing chair to an extra dining chair, and many more uses besides. I can see my babies sitting in this chair at various stages of their lives and so pleased that it could be saved with Jenny’s skill.

1967 Chair 005 

Jenny took this old chair  stripping it right down to the  solid oak frame, re-varnishing the woodwork, replacing stuffing, webbing and even piping and covering silk buttons, completing with this very beautiful but rather impracticable silk  material. This was chosen by yours truly, a pattern I just fell in love with. I am so very thrilled with the result and the beautiful work that Jenny has done, it fits my eclectic/mishmash taste so well. Thank you Jenny for your skill  and for saving this much loved chair. I wonder what dear Auntie Dot would have thought of it now?  At 44 years old I think it looks splendid, what do you think readers ?

 1967 Chair 007

“Cairo” by Susie Hemingway.

 

egypt_nile 

The disaster that is now our beautiful Egypt! I am pleased Hamada did not live to see this terrible fighting and bloodshed for he would have been so sad. Stay safe dear family and good friends. I know that you read here and some of you have internet restored again now. Stay strong and positive. I am thinking of you and praying that peace will come really soon.  Below is the re-posting  of my poem “Cairo” The beautiful Cairo we all knew and loved.  May it return to us once more.

“Cairo”

Oh Cairo of the sepia light,
empurple in the late of night,
the sparkling rays on marble stones
the quickest steps and gleaming domes.
The narrow streets and alleyways,
the different smells, the different ways.
The hookah pipes, the mint tea trays,
Oh Cairo and your faded ways

The empyrean of mosaic mosques,
the many souks and little shops.
The hot and dusty lives we lived,
the little child with flower to give.
Street cafes where every day
we sat and watched in wondrous gaze.
Oh Cairo, I remember all those days.

The perfume shop, where we paid
to smell like Chloe, in a way!
The special time, with special friends,
we thought that it would never end.
Halcyon days spent with you
enticing splendour of garnet hue.
Twinkling stars in darkest night,
Oh Cairo of the sepia light.

The dark robed men,
with beads and dice,
delicious honey with special spice,
the bright and silky lengths of cloth
tahina, lentils in a pot.
Can you recall this magic place ? 
                               for I can see your handsome face.
                                                                    Oh Cairo of the sepia light.

@ Copyright 2006

Extracts and Insights into Letters written during the month of January 2011.

And Even More Snow Feb 9 2009 010 

Dear John,

Monday 24 Jan.2011

Yes indeed we can John, we can do all manner of things if those things bring us comfort. Kissing the special bookmark is a tender act of remembrance as you think of your wife. We fought long and hard to help our partners and so the path we take to bring comfort is ours  to choose and ours alone to find. If  a little gesture brings some peace or comfort to us, then it’s a must.

I try to keep busy to get through the days although not so in the first few weeks. I have now started  this distraction therapy with a little work at “Hemingway”  Work that was long overdue, re-designing the kitchen bringing it more up-to-date. Planning in my mind little things to take care of during the next few weeks, I thought might help? I sincerely hope your days have not been too painful this week.

When tending a love one and making all decisions for their medical care, arranging  drug ordering, keeping the many hospital appointments and with all their personal needs to attend to. The very many things that are important to make their days comfortable.  Then all of a sudden when they are no longer here and all their daily needs stop, it is like losing a right arm. A huge chasm opens  up, a void you feel like jumping into. The awful emptiness that fills your mind and  time “what do I do now”.

So I have been trying to fill my days with little projects. Not terribly exciting plans but achieving something small everyday gives me a structure to focus on, a sense of purpose in a way. I talk to Hamada  often just like he is in the other room as I am sure you talk to your precious wife also. I still put on his favourite music forgetting he is no longer there to listen but hoping he can, am I mad?

I was cleaning the window of his bedroom from the outside, something I often did- in between the window cleaners coming-so he could always have a nice shiny perfectly clear view of the sky. As I was rubbing away at the glass  I could clearly see Hamada’s reflection in the glass! I looked and saw him propped up in his bed smiling at me.  So I bent forward and blew him a kiss then on seeing clearly that the room was empty, my heart filled with such pain again at the missing of him. Things like that upset your day, the desire to see your love one just one more time, or for me to hear his  beautiful voice often overwhelms.

So keeping busy for me is paramount but I’m still not up to large social ‘do’s’ I live in a tiny village, our community is close and there are often rather nice things to attend. Village Hall Dinners, Music evenings but I’m not ready for those yet. I scuttle and flurry about like some demented black bat with my private thoughts and memories at times frightened they might vanish. Silly really for if they did, so would I. Of course we shall survive not living the life we had imagined but we shall keep our memories safe and perhaps by talking about our grief we may give some hope to others.

I pray you have a peaceful week and manage to enjoy some good days.

All very best wishes for your continued peace.

Susie.x

 

Hi Anne,

Wednesday 26 Jan 2011.

Yes today was difficult just like you said it would be, the horrid two month anniversary. Can it really be this long? You said it would be this way and you are so much further down this difficult road with your loss than I. Eight weeks!  this longing to have him back seems as if it has been forever. The quietness now in the house after all the bustle and arrangements of funeral etc. I am sure it is harder in a way for us because we spent so much time with our partners. Far more than any ‘normal’ relationship. Caring takes all the hours in a day unless you are lucky to have some help. Even so, it is hard to leave your loved one and for most of us, we were hardly apart in the last few weeks at all. How close we became, almost breathing together in the end, watching and tending to their needs in those last precious moments together. Then the exhaustion that arrived when all was completed and all necessary paperwork attended to. I could not think of anything except my loss and the wishing he was with me here again.I found myself spending much time sleeping in the first few weeks, buried deep beneath mounds of duvet; the weather was freezing with snow that matched well my icy heart and body. I did not wish to wake from the place without pain but I would always manage to get up in the early hours, shower and dress. The first thought on waking was so painful and my whole body shook with grief and longing. I found it hard to get warm although the central heating is perfectly adequate. Being shivery is normal I believe and impossible to get warm I would creep back to bed at the first opportunity. All I longed for were hot baths and even hotter mugs of black tea and to be completely alone.Fancy those being the only things that could bring comfort during this time, I would clasp the mugs of tea as if they were a life line.

You have told me of your comforts, how different we all are but whatever works is the right path to take. As these days go by we will see a progress in taking a new direction with our lives and that in turn may give us some peace. Look forward to hearing from you again.

All fondest wishes and hope for your recovery.

Susie x

“Tell yourself how well you do. You may discover you’re doing better than you thought”

Permission granted as “open letters”  All Rights Reserved.

Two Months Today.

11th May 2008 Hemingway 064

It is two months today since I lost my Hamada and I have been looking through some photos and found this lovely one  showing his amazing smile. I thought I would share it. I shall keep smiling today in honour of this lovely Man.

Sorrow Is Better Than Fear – A Carers View by Susie.

 
“Sorrow is better than fear…
fear is a journey, a terrible journey,
but sorrow is at least an arriving.”

Alan Paton.

Looking back on the fifty- five months of  caring  for Hamada and although the sadness is an utterly desolate pit to try to escape from. I am inclined to agree with the words above. From the time of diagnosis although very hard to take onboard, my first and paramount thought was how can I make this time, this journey for Hamada the best it can be. Most  importantly especially at the end.

At times this consumed me but certainly not all the time. I was so busy fighting for the best treatment for him and learning all I could about the particular disease of Multiple Myeloma but often in the early hours of the morning when sleep was over and my mind was as sharp as it can be these days. I worried that perhaps the end would not be as I hoped for him.

I had talked to Hamada as the months went by about what he wanted most when the time came. We did not dwell on these morbid thoughts and often I denied positively that this time was not on the horizon, or in the next few months as was first thought. Often declaring  sincerely that he would probably outlive me.

I always gave Hamada great hope that this would not be for many years to come and certainly for a vast number  of MM sufferers this is now so. Hamada was a quietly wise man but he  had many complications that I knew were insurmountable and so I think did he.  We never gave way to hopelessness and only considered losing the battle on rare occasions. Never dwelling, just getting on with treatments and trying to make each day important  and special. With many goals to reach along the way.

I knew from these occasional discussions that he so wanted to be in our little home here in the country. He wanted to die looking at the sky in the comfort of his own bed, listening to his favourite songs and with me at his side. Thank goodness this was so.

So often as my family will testify, I worried(feared) that Hamada would be whisked away to hospital and not be where his heart desired to be ( hard one this). Very often by nature we panic when the time comes – wishing to help as much as possible to the end- never thinking that nothing more can be done, especially if it has been a long fight and many battles won.  A hard place to arrive at in the Carers mind but so incredibly important and must be found. The time to know when it is ok to stop.

 And so yes, sorrow although so hard is better than fear. For fear is a dreadful journey, I can attest to that.

23rd Jan 2011 – 2months since Hamada died.

“Across and Beyond” by Susie Hemingway

img098

 

Beneath the deepest seas and over land between us.
Through eternity that life controls.
Across those magic desert lands and dark green forests,
dripping in time of souls before.
Our faith, our bond, covers this space willingly.

 

I’ll catch the hands I know above this highest sphere
unseen now but across and beyond.
I’ll kiss those lips I know so well.
Hear that voice I long to hear
but do not think of me until we meet Dear One,
It will be faith that helps us to believe that we shall join once more,
                            across and beyond…

 

All Rights Reserved 2011.

Such A Good Cause.

Sandrine and Hamada

My beautiful Daughter-in-law Sandrine Rutherford  is Swimming 2.5k on 9th April 2011, in loving memory of Hamada for the Marie Curie Cancer Care Charity. Sponsor her please if you can, at www.swimathon.org

For more information about Swimathon 2011, visit www.swimathon.org or contact us on info@swimathon.org or call 0845 36 700 36       

Are My Days Becoming More Peaceful?

Although missing my lovely man so very much I feel somehow in a calmer place than the last few weeks.  Nothing is easy when someone  so precious to you is no longer there, everyday is an uphill climb; everyday a struggle to find yourself again. I have felt like hibernating which suited the weather that we have been having  but knowing that I cannot do that forever. I have starting with a little walking and have been trying to plan some small projects to help  me  to reshape my life and try to look to the future. All  little steps take tremendous mental energy, for all of us bereaved these little advances come at different times it seems. I find my tears still arrive at the least expected moment but I welcome them now as a sacred act of remembrance. I have rarely cried in my life so this is something quite new to me but I know it fosters healing, giving me some understanding that love is such a spiritual bond that death really does not sever.

It is a purely selfish need to want Hamada back with me once more, I  feel that my loss has drained all direction to my life, all  joy and meaning. I desire more than anything to see him once more particularly to hear his voice.  Still the hollow feeling I carry around is now something I value as a connection to my love one.

At last I managed to settled down to read again all the wonderful letters and cards of condolence that although I had read before when they arrived in huge bundles but then being  so distraught, I felt they all deserved another quiet read through. It was wonderful to read again the heartfelt messages of love and and wonderful snippets of  all the different memories of our dear Hamada, written by those who knew him and some from those who did not, written from all various aspects. Most using the words “Such A Gentleman” and  “His Smile”This seemed to be a way of  peacefully celebrating his life again sharing the memories of others as I read their words of love.

It is early days yet for me without my lover, my mentor and my best friend but I think I could say that I have some small seeds of hope now that I will become strong once again and that  my days do now seem  a little more peaceful. I wish all those who are bereaved, peace and with much hope that they too can find  the solace they need.

“Missing You” by Susie Hemingway.

The Special Ray Of Light 15.11 hrs 6.12.2010

I miss you before my mind reaches consciousness
I miss your smile when I leave my dreams.
Missing you is the light of morning and the dusk of eventide,
it is all the hours in between too.

 

I talk to you as I pass your door, I hear your call in the night to me and I hear your feet touch the floor in the hallway.
Missing you is the sun glinting on snow or the foggy gloominess of tearful days.

 

It’s smelling your clothes as I pack them away…when I don’t want to part with them but know I should.
It is this pain I carry heavily around in my heart every day that all know about but that no one can see.

 

Missing you is the tears that try to overwhelm me with their hot painfulness, that jump out to catch-me when I least expect them. That make me feel foolish when they trickle unasked down my face.

 

Missing you is the place that is always yours at the table; it is not wanting to sit there ever again but knowing I must.
Where were you when we all sat with  garish Christmas hats that you always managed to wear and still look cute?

 

I was thinking of you then and all the time when laughter surrounded me, when I heard your voice out of the mouth of another, seeing your smile in my mind and on the face of a stranger!
 
I miss your talks with me at the end of every day, your dear sweet words of love…more than I could miss the air I breathe.
Missing you is the crisp white snow melting in a river of tears, that flow from eyes that seldom cried.

 

I miss too much your dark ‘chocolate coloured’ eyes, even missing the look of pain they carried in recent years. I miss the way they always searched for me. Are they searching for me now?

 

Missing you is the hardest thing I have ever done….or will I ever do…

 

Ray of  Light Photo:  Janey Johnson Photos.

Making Small Beginnings.

Xmas tree 2010 006 

Although my days are painful I am making small beginnings towards reshaping my life without my loved one. It is good for me to write once more and I have started in a small way. The snow is still heavy on our lanes and now with even more predicted the temperatures  are falling sharply once  more. It feels as if it has been a long Winter already, as my thoughts turn to my first Christmas in more than thirty years without my special one. Today I decorated the Christmas tree, it would have been so easy to ignore but with my family arriving at this special time, what would our dear Grandson think if there was no tree ?  Grandpa loved the twinkling lights and would always admire gracefully the work involved. I can see them both together, looking at all the little ornaments collected over the years. My heart ached for Hamada today as I completed this task.

I walked in the snow and laid a perfect cream rose on Hamada’s grave this week. I know I am still shocked and numb but accepting and peaceful that I did all that could possibly be done to ease and comfort him during these past years. The pattern of each persons grief is unique to them, mine has been shaped by the particular relationship we had. All that was ever needed to be said, was said.

And so:  I don’t really believe that you ever “get over” such a significant loss in your life, grieving is among the most sacred thing you will ever do. This quiet abiding feeling is I feel a connection to my precious loved one.  I don’t really ever wish to lose it, my memory of him and our time together will always be maintained as I embark on a different chapter of my life.

So I decorated the tree observing our tradition with a simple ceremony that eased my pain.I can see Hamada’s lovely smile and his delight at this years result. “Missing you Habibi”

“I wish all my readers far and wide a very Happy Holiday and much  joy and peace to you all”

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