A Power Within

Category: Health Issues Page 1 of 6

Going Down

Going Down…

How fast life changed
I torpedoed to the bottom
I crashed and fell…
Legs forgot how to work
as furnace burnt into my chest
and a sea of dampness turned
my head into a torrent of water.

I shivered and shook, the severity of rigours
that could not be controlled.
I couldn’t remember my name but
two people could, they gathered me,
pulled me back, fought for me, I could hear them…
Strong words spoke for me, kind hands helped in every way.
I closed my eyes and drifted to that easier place…

Blue lights and strong hands, noise and speed,
“is the speed scary Mam” the ambulance medic asked,
I do remember saying I though it all rather exciting,
as needles went into my hands, and oxygen
covered my strangely blue lips.
Very bright overhead lights and reassuring voices
as I was whisked along at speed.
It didn’t look like any hospital I had visited before!

Hard gurney turned to soft bed,
hands and arms became medi-ports
as a team of nurses arrived and took over my body.
A respiratory specialist appeared
with a calm and smiling face and tons of knowledge.
Oxygen stayed put.
Bloods taken showed massive infection.

Thank you for getting me here so quickly.
Thank you for such great life saving attention,
I wanted to sleep but your loving faces pulled me back,
thank you both for sleeping over
when the storm appeared,
I was scared but you willed me to stay.

I am still here…
I am so grateful and humbled
I am still here…

April 2024. Dubai.

And Suddenly – Covid.

The world turned on its head today,
It collided, stumbled stuttered and fell.
the bustling regular ordinary days
the ones we love the best, changed,
slowly at first but then, with a great rush of fear.


The world turned on its axis, it shuddered,

And all at once fearful for the life of our world to come,
we halted and stalled.
Those approaching the Autumn of their days
must stay contained, the hardy stalwarts must
not rock this boat  or it might capsize, might go under…

 

The young executives our money makers,
our decision makers, now confined to home offices,
sitting in underpants,
as trains and city centres empty
draining like blood from worried faces…
The world turned on its axis today…

 

The call to prayer, voices thinned, as announcements
came of closures of Mosques,
the suspension of Mass starting to curb the spread of Covid-19.
The world turned on its axle today….
Theme parks stilled, theatres, cinemas, halted in prose,
visas suspended as the world turned on
It’s axis today…


Death is not the only common fear, science is the only common hope.

Humanity is our only common thread.
The world turned on its axis today…
Susie Hemingway March 2020

 

I Have Not Forgotten.

Do You Think I had Forgotten You ?

 

The years and months pass quickly now from the delicate Springtime to the gloriously hot Summers the brilliant kaleidoscope of Autumn and on to the snow covered Winters,the days and months sneakily roll into one patch of time.I look from my windows at the changing seasons but only see you, do you think I had forgotten? I cover my days well, I smile a lot, its good to smile…But forget no! There will be no forgetting.
Loss is made endurable by love and it is love that will echo through eternity…

What A Year This has Been !

What a Year This Has Been!

As the closing of 2017 is upon us I look back over this very exciting and special year. The year when I reach the fabulous age of seventy, I can hardly believe that I have made it to this senior age!
When I was young seventy was considered really old and I look back on my Aunts and Uncles at this age as rather old and creaky and most of them suffering with some sort of aches and pains. I am delighted to report I don’t feel this way at all. I am so lucky not to have joints that creak and yes I know there are tons more laughter lines on my face but each one tells a marvellous story and so I am proud to wear them as the older lady I have become. Lucky also, to have found a sort of magical contentment, no worries and a newer found patience which I am truly enjoying. It seems that nothing except losing a loved one, could faze me ever again. Nothing is so final as losing those you love, nothing else comes close or really matters and everything else can be put right. So as I approach 2018 I am truly content and my heart tranquil.

2017 has been so memorable for many reasons, starting with major excitement for me in April, with a trip back to the UAE Oasis City of Al Ain, for a desert reunion and to catch-up with so many friends made during my time there in the eighties and early nineties. I travelled with my youngest son Jo who was also making the trip, he wanted to recall the years he spent growing up in this beautiful place, to remember again where his papa worked. Although now a sprawling City it is still full of that old magical charm we embraced and loved.

The reunion so very well planned, including something special every night, different venues at selected Hotels, some new hotels but many old favourites but the most magical night for me and the most memorable was atop the “Jebel Hafeet” dining under the stars after watching the most magnificent sunset over-looking the now sprawling city and it’s thousands of twinkling lights 4,098 ft below. An evening after the hot day, when the welcome ‘Kamseen’ made its perfect attendance on our faces and through our hair. We chatted onwards into the night, there were many of us and lots to catch-up on. I read a poem in the lowering dusk, one written a time ago about this beautiful mountain range, nothing much had change except there was now a luxury hotel built on top of the mountain, it was delightful as the sky filled with millions of stars and we recalled those oh so special halcyon days of the eighties…A lovely memorable evening in the desert we love so much. And so on to June…

 

Then I was so lucky to enjoy in June a most perfect and entirely enchanting holiday in Crete with my dearest friend. Pure luxury in an idyllic beautifully designed modern hotel set in a perfect bay in Chania. We swam everyday, walked the old harbour and surrounds and ate some delicious meals often under the stars. We were able to visit old friends too in their villa up in the mountains. The weather was idyllic, beautifully hot but not the heat of the desert just entirely fabulous. Memories of perfumed jacuzzis and time under the stars. What lovely joyous memories I have of this perfect time!

In the middle of 2017 I did a lot of work on the garden and also mid-year I had the old decking removed and a gravel area laid, it’s tidied up this part of the garden well and I am pleased with the neatness of this new terrace area. More changes are planned for 2018…watch this space…

Then coming forward to November and my VERY fabulous weekend celebrations for my grand 70th Birthday . We ‘took over’ the very enchanting “Woodhall Spa Manor Hotel” for the weekend. Some of us stayed there and some in hotels and guest houses locally to Woodhall Spa. We were lucky with the weather, bright and a late autumnal feel but we still had the roaring log fire in the grand hall and admired the yellows and golds of the magnificent trees which looked their best when sunlit.


On the Friday night we had a formal dinner for twenty two, cooked so beautifully by the two chefs from London,  engaged by Son Jo who so cleverly and amazingly arranged the whole magnificent wonder filled weekend. The meal was totally delicious, the wine absolutely perfect Mouton Cadet – Rothschild, which is now my all time favourite, we drank nine bottles! The ambience of the pretty long stemmed pink and cream rose-strewed table, every one looking glamorous, everything perfect…A wonderful evening…

We retired after the delicious meal to the lounge bar where more guests arrived for evening drinks. An evening spent catching up, lots of fizz, lots of chat, lots of love…I could have sat there all night…

On the Saturday we enjoyed a superb breakfast cooked by our lovely chefs then went for a group walk in the sunshine to “The Broadway” on return we stopped for hot chocolate and coffees at “The Tea House in the Woods” we wanted to show this old early 1900’s Tea house to our dear friends who had come all the way for this super birthday celebration from Kentucky  USA. They loved it all and we loved it that they had come all that way to join us for this very special occasion.❤️

Later our marvellous Chefs served a most delicious Afternoon Tea for us  in the Golfers Bar, all manner of dainty sandwiches, quail eggs, with truffle, chocolate and orange cake, fruit loaf and scones with raspberry conserve and clotted cream. Completely yummy!
We all took a rest and prepared ourselves for the huge, fifty+ evening disco party where many more friends joined us for dancing, canapés and an abundance of champagne and fizz amongst other favourite drinks. It was a superb, magnificent celebration of my seventy years in this beautiful world. I am so humbled and grateful for all the love shown over this weekend, so many treats, even a most spectacular birthday cake…how very lucky i am!

Looking back now as this year of 2017 ends, I feel so very fortunate to have such lovely friends and a great family, to be able to enjoy good health, of not feeling anything like seventy whatever that is supposed to feel like! I am privileged to have good friends who have helped me overcome great sadness in the past and entirely grateful to have found much joy again. ❤️

May 2018 bring to you all, everything your heart truly desires. Try to listen carefully to other people in your life, for along the way you may miss important needs of those close to you. Take time to spend looking ‘outward’ and not with your head always buried in laptops, phones or iPads ( a big sin for me sometimes) Still what a joy they are for keeping up with old friends when you cannot see them as much as you would wish, for seeing friends who live far away, so great too for those that live alone, saves keep talking to the wall!

I suppose as a senior lady I am allowed to air my thoughts a bit on looking forward in life and may I recommend to be kind and gentle always, even If at times your kindness seems misconstrued by others. Stick with it and keep smiling. Find your courage too, to be able to stand-up when you believe something is wrong or not understood, say what needs to be said, do not accept anything less than the best for yourself, never allow yourself to be disrespected especially when you do not or have never show disrespect to anyone. Tell those that hurt you they have done so, if they are of any importance to your heart!  Try never to malign or criticise other, how do you know how life is treating them or how hard it may be to ‘walk in their shoes’. Value yourself at every age. ❤️ Look after yourself but give time to those you love, don’t always appear too busy for their needs, for those that don’t, will find themselves alone one day and will wonder why.❤️

Read a book, any book but try to find one that absorbs you totally, one you can’t wait to read the next chapter and listen to more music, the kind that stirs your heart, no matter what that is. Dance and love… love and dance and love some more…Always my favourite pastimes…

A Happy Joyous Peaceful and Kind  2018 is wished for you all.❤️

 

My Wish for 2017.

My 2017 Wish: ❤️

When I was younger, I never thought about losing someone I loved, silly me, how naive but I thought as I loved my Mother and Father utterly and entirely that they would be there forever, well at least until they were VERY old. Then the years passed quickly and so did they and they weren’t…Then a few short years later I lost my ‘ best love’ ! I recently looked at my old address book and was saddened at the names crossed through, friends no longer here. 😔
❤️As a New Year starts, 2017, a once thought of faraway number for me, may I ask you something dear family, dear friends, may I ask you to love and cherish those precious to you. Hold them tight, never take them for granted, give them loads of hugs and tell them you love them❤️
My constant consolation in life is that I told my Mum and Dad and my ‘ best love’ often how much I loved them – we all did – it’s a family thing perhaps but it wasn’t always so but how very important you know, for one day you may ‘ turn around’ and ‘they’ have gone…
Do it at the start of this New Year, ❤️do it today❤️do it now, say it often,hold them close❤️for love, if you feel it, is the greatest gift you can give, it is also the greatest gift you can receive. Tell your children, your wife, your husband, your partner, your lover, your mistress, your dear friend, your pet, that you love and cherish them if you do ❤️Never miss the chance, for life is so fleeting and memories are all that remain when those you love are gone, remember love is the greatest and most powerful gift of all! ..❤️

Corinthians 13:1
” I may speak in different languages of people or angels but if I do not have love I am a noisy bell or a crashing cymbal. I may have the gift of prophecy. I may understand all the secrets things of God and have all knowledge and I may have faith so great I can move mountains but even with all these things, if I do not have love, then I am nothing…”

❤️I love you my dear family and my dear friends and I wish you all a very Joyous And Healthy 2017❤️

The Box Of Secrets – Poems of Love.

img_3248 img_3255

“The Box Of Secrets” Poems and Photos available in soft-back and hardback styles, all to be found on www.blurb.co.uk. Under poetry. Or http://www.blurb.com/b/7455812-the-box-of-secrets  This book is sold via Blurb and not from this page.

The Box Of Secrets

Introducing my new glossy coffee-table book full of ”Poems of Love” and gorgeous photos. You can find it over at www.blurb.com in the bookshop under poetry. In larger print for ‘tired’ eyes.img_3177

The Wall – Susie Hemingway.

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The sunlight crept over the wall slowly
pulling itself as if tugging a tank
the heavy night seemed distant
the dreams seemed real…
With heavy heart I looked at the sky
the soft blue of a summer day
was nearly upon me,
light puffy wisps of pearly white clouds
pushed into my vision,
as this voice inside vibrates,
a heart bleeds and dissolves.

This circle goes round forever
this wall withers my needs
as I look above…
Difficult heart cutting days.
The wall that holds me back.
The wall, tall, dark and brutally gloomy,
this barrier to a new life,
this wall so near my face,
this wall that snaps and breaks me
and withers my heart…

This wall so heavily built against me
unyielding,
this block of bricks
returns its view…

@ copyright Susie Hemingway.

 

 

It is a Letter of Utter Love:

Photo: Across To Granada from Susie's Collection:

Scroll down in the comments to read the moving letter from Karen on http://susietest.stff.me/2013/05/07/the-fight-without-choice/

“The Fight Without Choice”

Feeling sad and cross today at the passing of yet another good Man to the dreadful disease of Multiple Myeloma. My heart goes out to dear Karen at the loss her beloved Hugh suddenly at the weekend. I have posted below a poem written in 2009 which sums up my feelings today. This poem was written at the height of my anger at such a hateful disease.
 
May Karen find the solace she so deserves during these sad days and in the coming months. Much is now being done to find a cure but we so need more research into this difficult and most awful disease that appears for some reason to be on the increase.
All blessings dear Karen and  rest in peace dear Hugh.
 
 
THE FIGHT WITHOUT CHOICE.
 
It was never a choice was it?
It sneaked in and through
along and around,
this nasty wicked beast that coursed
along the channels of our lives.
It tangled and tried to spoil,
bent, broke, quietened and flawed,
it tried to rob, steal if you may
inflict damage and take away.
It encumbered, hampered, distressed and sapped,
this dark encroacher that went too far.
Still it did not spoil or mar
Love twixt us two,
 
this fight… without choice…

 

“A Letter Between Two Woman” Cont:

 

For those following our story- a small extract from a recent email from Susan:

Dear Susie,

On my return home there were so many things I wanted to tell Dan, especially about my visit with you. Oh how to say all I wanted to say to him and to you. I can tell you that my meeting with you was the highlight of my trip.  Finally, there was someone who understood completely my journey of 7+ years.

I have this lovely image of you standing on the train platform, so beautiful and so welcoming. I will never forget that minds eye
picture and I will be forever grateful for your trek to meet the American. The day was so perfect and so English. Bless you.

I have replayed our conversation many times and try to see myself in two years, in control of my tears and my life. You give me hope that I can get through the muck and mire and feel a tad more whole again.
Aren’t we lucky when all is said and done?
Your sister in spirit and love, Susan.

“Joy, Laughter and Tears”

It was a treasured seamlessly perfect, poignant day. A day when two ladies who had experienced and sadly completed the same ‘journey in life’ came together after five years of correspondence to meet at a little country station in Stamford, Lincolnshire, England. The oh so brave Susan wife of the late Dan Patterson from Colorado, came by rail from London with no working cell phone( having been informed it would work in the UK) and no means of contacting me should she become lost or miss her rail connections but thank goodness arriving safely at this small country station.

I had planned my journey carefully to make sure I was there at the station to meet Susan, no easy feat as living in a rural location and driving across country, it is often difficult to plan journey times precisely, as often you are caught behind a tractor slowing your journey to a snails pace and the weather conditions of late have brought some flooding to country locations. Still I was there in good time and asked the Station Master could I cross the little bridge and wait for my dear American friend whom I had never met before or even seen her face in a photo, but so wanted to be there to greet her on the platform as her train arrived from London. He was keen to oblige and smiled warmly at the lady wrapped up well against the chilling wind of this bright blue very exciting day, that “simply must be” on the platform to meet her American friend – he smiled the tired smile of some men when confronted with forceful requests – lucky I live in a country location – can you imagine getting on the platform at Charing Cross without a platform ticket!

I settled in the waiting room checking the neon overhead timetable every few moments excited but concerned that I would managed to find my far travelled friend. The train draw into the station perfectly on time ( thank you British Rail for not letting me down) and I held my breath as I searched the carriages for a lady similar age to me for that was all I knew ( you don’t really discuss hair colour when you are talking of grief do you?) and there, smiling the biggest smile was this supremely beautiful expectant face peering and waving out of the compartment window. Susan stepped onto the platform and straight into my arms – we hugged and hugged and smiled, laughed and cried all at once!    We kept looking into each others faces and it was as if we had known each other for a lifetime!

 

I had wondered what we could do for the day that would make it a little different -for a short day – for a dear friend from the ‘other side of the pond’ and so I settled on a visit to the beautiful majestic Elizabethan house of “Burghley” that was just a short drive away. We needed a good setting for this memorable day, we also needed plenty of good coffee and a fine luncheon. So having left my car in the station car-park so wanting to focus my attention entirely on this lovely lady I arranged a taxi to and from this historic inspiring grand home of William Cecil the first Lord Burghley (1520-1598) and still the home of the Cecil family. I asked the taxi driver to please make a detour around the very attractive town of Stamford so my visitor may see the medieval core of 17th century stone buildings and some much older timber framed ones. He was happy to oblige of course seeming proud of this little town.

It was a chilly blowy day with a lazy bitter wind but blue skies prevailed across our green land and peaceful pastures. We  spent time admiring the grounds and the beautiful façade  of this great house with the gentle roaming deer and wonderful views of proud noble trees and even though in bleak winter the sun shone for us and the pastures held their green.

And so it goes that two woman that only found each other through great sadness and just because a boyhood friend of Dan Patterson’s who was saddened beyond belief with the thought that he was to lose his greatest companion, trolled the internet for understanding of the wretched disease of Multiple Myeloma. This rare illness that had befallen both our men and Dan’s kind friend who happened across my little blog of love poems that had insisted that Susan read of the trials and tribulations of another  woman on the other side of the world, just like her, going through exactly the same sadness as her and her beloved Dan. Susan read my simple poems, came back again and again and the connection  was made. Every so often over the years I would receive a comment from Susan and then the emails began and the bond was made. Just two woman from other sides of the world, coming together in their grief.

And so with much joy, many tears, and many many words, we had our delicious coffees together and a splendid luncheon in the pretty Orangery Restaurant at Burghley. Not moving from the restaurant for several hours – five in fact!  So many private words were spoken, so many tears were shed. Such a lovely, beautiful lady cut down with this heart wrenching grief, having just lost her beloved Dan only five months before but with such utter bravery and desire to meet the friend who had tried to help and understood only too well the dreadful grief  she was feeling now. It was like I had known Susan all my life, experienced all of her pain and understood everything about the fight to try and help her husband to live, the time of profound caring and her complete love for this good man.  We talked and talked a mirrored image, back and forth in these beautiful surroundings, filling the hours completely. And so dear readers, yes it was just as it should have been, the sharing of grief, the understanding between two woman  of all we had been through and just as we knew it would be  our friendship was sealed…

“A Letter Between Two Woman” – We Meet At Last.

Tomorrow is such a special day as I am planning to meet Susan from Colorado here in Lincolnshire.  As readers to my blogs will know I have been ‘virtual’  friends with Susan for many years now.  Susan is the other half of “A Letter Between Two Woman” which had been published here and shown below. We ‘came together’ across the many miles between us through the similarities of our situations. Susan was married to Dan whom she lost to Multiple Myeloma in 2012.

We already feel we know each other well and I am very excited to finally meet her. I shall update you all with our planned day – this will be such fun as although, through reading my blogs dear Susan has seen my face and feels she will know my face in a crowd, I on the other hand, have never seen a photo of her – so let’s hope we finally get together – watch this space.

In Reply – A Letter Between Two Woman.

Dear Susan,
Firstly sincere apologies for not replying sooner. I have been busy having a birthday, so went South to visit my family staying over with my youngest son and spending a joyous time with a friend. All was wonderful and I was spoilt at all quarters. I am indeed a lucky lady!
Now the weather here in the Village is as dismal as can be, with much rain and the chilly winds blowing the orange and golden leaves into messy piles with puddles forming along the lanes.The trees taking on the look of black scarecrows waving their long arms. The afternoons are early dark so the evenings and nights appear longer. I am already longing for the Spring…
I read your letter and could feel your pain leaping from the page. Days now for you are the hardest and for all those in early grieving not easy. For folk who have never lost a loved one it is hard for them to imagine the engulfing all consuming pain, that threatens at times to overwhelm. The confusion you feel right now I can remember so well. The waking and the terrible feeling of loss that floods your consciousness is hard to bear but we do bear it you know. As time goes by, we can for part of the day desire to remember so fondly, these special loves of ours. And so as the months pass by it will get better and not be so painful – I promise you this. Going backwards and forward in the path of grief, is how to me, this painful emotion unfolds, to become something we can manage.
Tomorrow will be two years for me since Hamada’s death – how can that be? I miss him so naturally the same way that I take a breath each day, he is so much a part of me. It is the time of your thanksgiving celebrations – I shall be thankful for having known this oh! so special man and for the joy he brought into my life, thankful for the gentleness of him, of him loving me and our wonderful time together. I know you will find this holiday very painful and will spend most of the time looking back, thinking of your beloved Dan. Try if you can to think joyously, bringing lightness into your heart, it is difficult I know and somewhat flippant for me to say but I know this can help to think of all he brought into your life during your years together.All that was yours and his alone – precious and unique and perhaps known only to you two. Preserve these memories and hold them close. This day of Thanksgiving will pass like all the others… Embrace your family and your memories of Dan.
I understand well the different feelings of your girls. I faced this too with my boys – they knew well my pain of course, they only had to look at their Mother to see the light had gone out from her eyes. But they were hurting too. My Grandson was in terrible pain – something that worried me so very much but with the help of his good Mother and Father and continued counselling he is doing very well now. As my sister said the other day ” we all miss him so” It is not just us that are raw with pain in the early days. Discussion of my emotions was hard with my sons, for when I saw them they so wanted to cheer me up, not recall my pain. They listened of course but I think they feared of upsetting me all over again. I leaned against them but my youngest son ‘swallowed his pain’ and still does I feel. Your girls will act differently from each other, will be different emotionally but they will adjust to their loss in their own way, for time does take care of that.
Life will never be the same for any of us that have experience such amazing people in our lives and then watch them suffer in the way they did and for so long enduring it all and their absolute bravery. Your beautiful caring daughters watched this over the years too, as my sons saw the terrible changes in dear Hamada and they watched my knowing loss and final acceptance. I salute our precious people, for they deserve much admiration in their forbearance too
I feel I cannot wish you a “Happy Thanksgiving” but you know dear one – we do have much to be thankful for – the love we both knew and experienced with these two wonderful men. The strength we had to learn but would rather have not, the insight into something profound and spiritual – it was a lot and I am thankful now that there is peace.
Blessings and Peace to you dear friend.
Susie x

Letter Between Two Woman Cont.

Dear Friend Susie,
It has taken a while to get back to you though your words resonated and brought me such comfort.  I am so grateful for your honesty and your ability to reach across the miles and speak so eloquently to what remains after the death of such a precious loved one.  I am often floating in a state of utter confusion. I wake from a nap or the middle of the night and I look for Daniel and realize he is never coming back.  He really died!  The mind does play tricks with me. I have taken such a body blow.  The worst fear of my life, losing my husband, has happened and I am still here.  Sorting through such myriad emotions I am either wading through waist deep wet sand or free falling from the atmosphere.I know you are farther along on the grief continuum.  I  also know now that what has happened will never will leave my consciousness until I draw my last breath.  When you asked if I would want to forget his death, I knew my answer would be ” Never!” It was a sacred moment. Such a cruel and horrifying disease.  He melted away.  As his body imploded his spirit grew.  I believe he became a wise and holy man in his suffering.  He
taught me much about grace and dignity, acceptance and gratitude.Now the new normal takes over and the day to day occupies but I never really feel whole.  I am busy redoing the house, trying to lighten, brighten, and renew what has felt so static.  I am amused by my little tasks in light of all l that has happened. Sometimes I long for  time to pass more quickly so I could back and say I did the hard work of grieving and now I can create something that resonates for me.  I would be lying if I said this has not affected my relationships with the girls.  One wants me to show no emotion and is easily annoyed with me.  I am the one here, her beloved father is gone.  I realized I would have to take the hits, I am the “grown up” but oh I am tired of it.  My other daughter, who lives in NYC, closes down and is often “unavailable”.  So much for my dream of us all coming together in this new family unit.  I will be patient but this can sometimes break ones spirit.  I am always surprised by my naive view of what will be.  The family will become stronger without the main man because we were all in this together.  I think it must be broken first and then we will come back stronger in the broken places.I am taking the girls to Mexico for Christmas with my darling brother.  Then I decided to get away and will spend 2 weeks in Paris in January.  Sometimes running is the only course for a time.  You may post anything you wish, I really have no problem with sharing this difficult and beautiful time.  Your sister in spirit, susan

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