Do You Think I had Forgotten You ?
Category: Open Letters
What a Year This Has Been!
As the closing of 2017 is upon us I look back over this very exciting and special year. The year when I reach the fabulous age of seventy, I can hardly believe that I have made it to this senior age!
When I was young seventy was considered really old and I look back on my Aunts and Uncles at this age as rather old and creaky and most of them suffering with some sort of aches and pains. I am delighted to report I don’t feel this way at all. I am so lucky not to have joints that creak and yes I know there are tons more laughter lines on my face but each one tells a marvellous story and so I am proud to wear them as the older lady I have become. Lucky also, to have found a sort of magical contentment, no worries and a newer found patience which I am truly enjoying. It seems that nothing except losing a loved one, could faze me ever again. Nothing is so final as losing those you love, nothing else comes close or really matters and everything else can be put right. So as I approach 2018 I am truly content and my heart tranquil.
2017 has been so memorable for many reasons, starting with major excitement for me in April, with a trip back to the UAE Oasis City of Al Ain, for a desert reunion and to catch-up with so many friends made during my time there in the eighties and early nineties. I travelled with my youngest son Jo who was also making the trip, he wanted to recall the years he spent growing up in this beautiful place, to remember again where his papa worked. Although now a sprawling City it is still full of that old magical charm we embraced and loved.
The reunion so very well planned, including something special every night, different venues at selected Hotels, some new hotels but many old favourites but the most magical night for me and the most memorable was atop the “Jebel Hafeet†dining under the stars after watching the most magnificent sunset over-looking the now sprawling city and it’s thousands of twinkling lights 4,098 ft below. An evening after the hot day, when the welcome ‘Kamseen’ made its perfect attendance on our faces and through our hair. We chatted onwards into the night, there were many of us and lots to catch-up on. I read a poem in the lowering dusk, one written a time ago about this beautiful mountain range, nothing much had change except there was now a luxury hotel built on top of the mountain, it was delightful as the sky filled with millions of stars and we recalled those oh so special halcyon days of the eighties…A lovely memorable evening in the desert we love so much. And so on to June…
Then I was so lucky to enjoy in June a most perfect and entirely enchanting holiday in Crete with my dearest friend. Pure luxury in an idyllic beautifully designed modern hotel set in a perfect bay in Chania. We swam everyday, walked the old harbour and surrounds and ate some delicious meals often under the stars. We were able to visit old friends too in their villa up in the mountains. The weather was idyllic, beautifully hot but not the heat of the desert just entirely fabulous. Memories of perfumed jacuzzis and time under the stars. What lovely joyous memories I have of this perfect time!
In the middle of 2017 I did a lot of work on the garden and also mid-year I had the old decking removed and a gravel area laid, it’s tidied up this part of the garden well and I am pleased with the neatness of this new terrace area. More changes are planned for 2018…watch this space…
Then coming forward to November and my VERY fabulous weekend celebrations for my grand 70th Birthday . We ‘took over’ the very enchanting “Woodhall Spa Manor Hotel†for the weekend. Some of us stayed there and some in hotels and guest houses locally to Woodhall Spa. We were lucky with the weather, bright and a late autumnal feel but we still had the roaring log fire in the grand hall and admired the yellows and golds of the magnificent trees which looked their best when sunlit.
On the Friday night we had a formal dinner for twenty two, cooked so beautifully by the two chefs from London, Â engaged by Son Jo who so cleverly and amazingly arranged the whole magnificent wonder filled weekend. The meal was totally delicious, the wine absolutely perfect Mouton Cadet – Rothschild, which is now my all time favourite, we drank nine bottles! The ambience of the pretty long stemmed pink and cream rose-strewed table, every one looking glamorous, everything perfect…A wonderful evening…
We retired after the delicious meal to the lounge bar where more guests arrived for evening drinks. An evening spent catching up, lots of fizz, lots of chat, lots of love…I could have sat there all night…
On the Saturday we enjoyed a superb breakfast cooked by our lovely chefs then went for a group walk in the sunshine to “The Broadway†on return we stopped for hot chocolate and coffees at “The Tea House in the Woods†we wanted to show this old early 1900’s Tea house to our dear friends who had come all the way for this super birthday celebration from Kentucky  USA. They loved it all and we loved it that they had come all that way to join us for this very special occasion.â¤ï¸
Later our marvellous Chefs served a most delicious Afternoon Tea for us  in the Golfers Bar, all manner of dainty sandwiches, quail eggs, with truffle, chocolate and orange cake, fruit loaf and scones with raspberry conserve and clotted cream. Completely yummy!
We all took a rest and prepared ourselves for the huge, fifty+ evening disco party where many more friends joined us for dancing, canapés and an abundance of champagne and fizz amongst other favourite drinks. It was a superb, magnificent celebration of my seventy years in this beautiful world. I am so humbled and grateful for all the love shown over this weekend, so many treats, even a most spectacular birthday cake…how very lucky i am!
Looking back now as this year of 2017 ends, I feel so very fortunate to have such lovely friends and a great family, to be able to enjoy good health, of not feeling anything like seventy whatever that is supposed to feel like! I am privileged to have good friends who have helped me overcome great sadness in the past and entirely grateful to have found much joy again. â¤ï¸
May 2018 bring to you all, everything your heart truly desires. Try to listen carefully to other people in your life, for along the way you may miss important needs of those close to you. Take time to spend looking ‘outward’ and not with your head always buried in laptops, phones or iPads ( a big sin for me sometimes) Still what a joy they are for keeping up with old friends when you cannot see them as much as you would wish, for seeing friends who live far away, so great too for those that live alone, saves keep talking to the wall!
I suppose as a senior lady I am allowed to air my thoughts a bit on looking forward in life and may I recommend to be kind and gentle always, even If at times your kindness seems misconstrued by others. Stick with it and keep smiling. Find your courage too, to be able to stand-up when you believe something is wrong or not understood, say what needs to be said, do not accept anything less than the best for yourself, never allow yourself to be disrespected especially when you do not or have never show disrespect to anyone. Tell those that hurt you they have done so, if they are of any importance to your heart!  Try never to malign or criticise other, how do you know how life is treating them or how hard it may be to ‘walk in their shoes’. Value yourself at every age. â¤ï¸ Look after yourself but give time to those you love, don’t always appear too busy for their needs, for those that don’t, will find themselves alone one day and will wonder why.â¤ï¸
Read a book, any book but try to find one that absorbs you totally, one you can’t wait to read the next chapter and listen to more music, the kind that stirs your heart, no matter what that is. Dance and love… love and dance and love some more…Always my favourite pastimes…
A Happy Joyous Peaceful and Kind  2018 is wished for you all.â¤ï¸
My 2017 Wish: â¤ï¸
When I was younger, I never thought about losing someone I loved, silly me, how naive but I thought as I loved my Mother and Father utterly and entirely that they would be there forever, well at least until they were VERY old. Then the years passed quickly and so did they and they weren’t…Then a few short years later I lost my ‘ best love’ ! I recently looked at my old address book and was saddened at the names crossed through, friends no longer here. 😔
â¤ï¸As a New Year starts, 2017, a once thought of faraway number for me, may I ask you something dear family, dear friends, may I ask you to love and cherish those precious to you. Hold them tight, never take them for granted, give them loads of hugs and tell them you love themâ¤ï¸
My constant consolation in life is that I told my Mum and Dad and my ‘ best love’ often how much I loved them – we all did – it’s a family thing perhaps but it wasn’t always so but how very important you know, for one day you may ‘ turn around’ and ‘they’ have gone…
Do it at the start of this New Year, â¤ï¸do it todayâ¤ï¸do it now, say it often,hold them closeâ¤ï¸for love, if you feel it, is the greatest gift you can give, it is also the greatest gift you can receive. Tell your children, your wife, your husband, your partner, your lover, your mistress, your dear friend, your pet, that you love and cherish them if you do â¤ï¸Never miss the chance, for life is so fleeting and memories are all that remain when those you love are gone, remember love is the greatest and most powerful gift of all! ..â¤ï¸
Corinthians 13:1
” I may speak in different languages of people or angels but if I do not have love I am a noisy bell or a crashing cymbal. I may have the gift of prophecy. I may understand all the secrets things of God and have all knowledge and I may have faith so great I can move mountains but even with all these things, if I do not have love, then I am nothing…”
â¤ï¸I love you my dear family and my dear friends and I wish you all a very Joyous And Healthy 2017â¤ï¸
Photo: Across To Granada from Susie's Collection:
Scroll down in the comments to read the moving letter from Karen on http://susietest.stff.me/2013/05/07/the-fight-without-choice/
For those following our story-Â a small extract from a recent email from Susan:
Dear Susie,
On my return home there were so many things I wanted to tell Dan, especially about my visit with you. Oh how to say all I wanted to say to him and to you. I can tell you that my meeting with you was the highlight of my trip.  Finally, there was someone who understood completely my journey of 7+ years.
I have this lovely image of you standing on the train platform, so beautiful and so welcoming. I will never forget that minds eye
picture and I will be forever grateful for your trek to meet the American. The day was so perfect and so English. Bless you.
I have replayed our conversation many times and try to see myself in two years, in control of my tears and my life. You give me hope that I can get through the muck and mire and feel a tad more whole again.
Aren’t we lucky when all is said and done?
Your sister in spirit and love, Susan.
It was a treasured seamlessly perfect, poignant day. A day when two ladies who had experienced and sadly completed the same ‘journey in life’ came together after five years of correspondence to meet at a little country station in Stamford, Lincolnshire, England. The oh so brave Susan wife of the late Dan Patterson from Colorado, came by rail from London with no working cell phone( having been informed it would work in the UK) and no means of contacting me should she become lost or miss her rail connections but thank goodness arriving safely at this small country station.
I had planned my journey carefully to make sure I was there at the station to meet Susan, no easy feat as living in a rural location and driving across country, it is often difficult to plan journey times precisely, as often you are caught behind a tractor slowing your journey to a snails pace and the weather conditions of late have brought some flooding to country locations. Still I was there in good time and asked the Station Master could I cross the little bridge and wait for my dear American friend whom I had never met before or even seen her face in a photo, but so wanted to be there to greet her on the platform as her train arrived from London. He was keen to oblige and smiled warmly at the lady wrapped up well against the chilling wind of this bright blue very exciting day, that “simply must be” on the platform to meet her American friend – he smiled the tired smile of some men when confronted with forceful requests – lucky I live in a country location – can you imagine getting on the platform at Charing Cross without a platform ticket!
I settled in the waiting room checking the neon overhead timetable every few moments excited but concerned that I would managed to find my far travelled friend. The train draw into the station perfectly on time ( thank you British Rail for not letting me down) and I held my breath as I searched the carriages for a lady similar age to me for that was all I knew ( you don’t really discuss hair colour when you are talking of grief do you?) and there, smiling the biggest smile was this supremely beautiful expectant face peering and waving out of the compartment window. Susan stepped onto the platform and straight into my arms – we hugged and hugged and smiled, laughed and cried all at once!   We kept looking into each others faces and it was as if we had known each other for a lifetime!
I had wondered what we could do for the day that would make it a little different -for a short day – for a dear friend from the ‘other side of the pond’ and so I settled on a visit to the beautiful majestic Elizabethan house of “Burghley” that was just a short drive away. We needed a good setting for this memorable day, we also needed plenty of good coffee and a fine luncheon. So having left my car in the station car-park so wanting to focus my attention entirely on this lovely lady I arranged a taxi to and from this historic inspiring grand home of William Cecil the first Lord Burghley (1520-1598) and still the home of the Cecil family. I asked the taxi driver to please make a detour around the very attractive town of Stamford so my visitor may see the medieval core of 17th century stone buildings and some much older timber framed ones. He was happy to oblige of course seeming proud of this little town.
It was a chilly blowy day with a lazy bitter wind but blue skies prevailed across our green land and peaceful pastures. We  spent time admiring the grounds and the beautiful façade  of this great house with the gentle roaming deer and wonderful views of proud noble trees and even though in bleak winter the sun shone for us and the pastures held their green.
And so it goes that two woman that only found each other through great sadness and just because a boyhood friend of Dan Patterson’s who was saddened beyond belief with the thought that he was to lose his greatest companion, trolled the internet for understanding of the wretched disease of Multiple Myeloma. This rare illness that had befallen both our men and Dan’s kind friend who happened across my little blog of love poems that had insisted that Susan read of the trials and tribulations of another  woman on the other side of the world, just like her, going through exactly the same sadness as her and her beloved Dan. Susan read my simple poems, came back again and again and the connection  was made. Every so often over the years I would receive a comment from Susan and then the emails began and the bond was made. Just two woman from other sides of the world, coming together in their grief.
And so with much joy, many tears, and many many words, we had our delicious coffees together and a splendid luncheon in the pretty Orangery Restaurant at Burghley. Not moving from the restaurant for several hours – five in fact! So many private words were spoken, so many tears were shed. Such a lovely, beautiful lady cut down with this heart wrenching grief, having just lost her beloved Dan only five months before but with such utter bravery and desire to meet the friend who had tried to help and understood only too well the dreadful grief she was feeling now. It was like I had known Susan all my life, experienced all of her pain and understood everything about the fight to try and help her husband to live, the time of profound caring and her complete love for this good man.  We talked and talked a mirrored image, back and forth in these beautiful surroundings, filling the hours completely. And so dear readers, yes it was just as it should have been, the sharing of grief, the understanding between two woman  of all we had been through and just as we knew it would be  our friendship was sealed…
Tomorrow is such a special day as I am planning to meet Susan from Colorado here in Lincolnshire.  As readers to my blogs will know I have been ‘virtual’  friends with Susan for many years now. Susan is the other half of “A Letter Between Two Woman” which had been published here and shown below. We ‘came together’ across the many miles between us through the similarities of our situations. Susan was married to Dan whom she lost to Multiple Myeloma in 2012.
We already feel we know each other well and I am very excited to finally meet her. I shall update you all with our planned day – this will be such fun as although, through reading my blogs dear Susan has seen my face and feels she will know my face in a crowd, I on the other hand, have never seen a photo of her – so let’s hope we finally get together – watch this space.
Dear Susan,
Firstly sincere apologies for not replying sooner. I have been busy having a birthday, so went South to visit my family staying over with my youngest son and spending a joyous time with a friend. All was wonderful and I was spoilt at all quarters. I am indeed a lucky lady!
Now the weather here in the Village is as dismal as can be, with much rain and the chilly winds blowing the orange and golden leaves into messy piles with puddles forming along the lanes.The trees taking on the look of black scarecrows waving their long arms. The afternoons are early dark so the evenings and nights appear longer. I am already longing for the Spring…
I read your letter and could feel your pain leaping from the page. Days now for you are the hardest and for all those in early grieving not easy. For folk who have never lost a loved one it is hard for them to imagine the engulfing all consuming pain, that threatens at times to overwhelm. The confusion you feel right now I can remember so well. The waking and the terrible feeling of loss that floods your consciousness is hard to bear but we do bear it you know. As time goes by, we can for part of the day desire to remember so fondly, these special loves of ours. And so as the months pass by it will get better and not be so painful – I promise you this. Going backwards and forward in the path of grief, is how to me, this painful emotion unfolds, to become something we can manage.
Tomorrow will be two years for me since Hamada’s death – how can that be? I miss him so naturally the same way that I take a breath each day, he is so much a part of me. It is the time of your thanksgiving celebrations – I shall be thankful for having known this oh! so special man and for the joy he brought into my life, thankful for the gentleness of him, of him loving me and our wonderful time together. I know you will find this holiday very painful and will spend most of the time looking back, thinking of your beloved Dan. Try if you can to think joyously, bringing lightness into your heart, it is difficult I know and somewhat flippant for me to say but I know this can help to think of all he brought into your life during your years together.All that was yours and his alone – precious and unique and perhaps known only to you two. Preserve these memories and hold them close. This day of Thanksgiving will pass like all the others… Embrace your family and your memories of Dan.
I understand well the different feelings of your girls. I faced this too with my boys – they knew well my pain of course, they only had to look at their Mother to see the light had gone out from her eyes. But they were hurting too. My Grandson was in terrible pain – something that worried me so very much but with the help of his good Mother and Father and continued counselling he is doing very well now. As my sister said the other day ” we all miss him so” It is not just us that are raw with pain in the early days. Discussion of my emotions was hard with my sons, for when I saw them they so wanted to cheer me up, not recall my pain. They listened of course but I think they feared of upsetting me all over again. I leaned against them but my youngest son ‘swallowed his pain’ and still does I feel. Your girls will act differently from each other, will be different emotionally but they will adjust to their loss in their own way, for time does take care of that.
Life will never be the same for any of us that have experience such amazing people in our lives and then watch them suffer in the way they did and for so long enduring it all and their absolute bravery. Your beautiful caring daughters watched this over the years too, as my sons saw the terrible changes in dear Hamada and they watched my knowing loss and final acceptance. I salute our precious people, for they deserve much admiration in their forbearance too
I feel I cannot wish you a “Happy Thanksgiving” but you know dear one – we do have much to be thankful for – the love we both knew and experienced with these two wonderful men. The strength we had to learn but would rather have not, the insight into something profound and spiritual – it was a lot and I am thankful now that there is peace.
Blessings and Peace to you dear friend.
Susie x
Dear Friend Susie,
It has taken a while to get back to you though your words resonated and brought me such comfort. I am so grateful for your honesty and your ability to reach across the miles and speak so eloquently to what remains after the death of such a precious loved one. I am often floating in a state of utter confusion. I wake from a nap or the middle of the night and I look for Daniel and realize he is never coming back. He really died! The mind does play tricks with me. I have taken such a body blow. The worst fear of my life, losing my husband, has happened and I am still here. Sorting through such myriad emotions I am either wading through waist deep wet sand or free falling from the atmosphere.I know you are farther along on the grief continuum. I also know now that what has happened will never will leave my consciousness until I draw my last breath. When you asked if I would want to forget his death, I knew my answer would be ” Never!” It was a sacred moment. Such a cruel and horrifying disease. He melted away. As his body imploded his spirit grew. I believe he became a wise and holy man in his suffering. He
taught me much about grace and dignity, acceptance and gratitude.Now the new normal takes over and the day to day occupies but I never really feel whole. I am busy redoing the house, trying to lighten, brighten, and renew what has felt so static. I am amused by my little tasks in light of all l that has happened. Sometimes I long for time to pass more quickly so I could back and say I did the hard work of grieving and now I can create something that resonates for me. I would be lying if I said this has not affected my relationships with the girls. One wants me to show no emotion and is easily annoyed with me. I am the one here, her beloved father is gone. I realized I would have to take the hits, I am the “grown up” but oh I am tired of it. My other daughter, who lives in NYC, closes down and is often “unavailable”. So much for my dream of us all coming together in this new family unit. I will be patient but this can sometimes break ones spirit. I am always surprised by my naive view of what will be. The family will become stronger without the main man because we were all in this together. I think it must be broken first and then we will come back stronger in the broken places.I am taking the girls to Mexico for Christmas with my darling brother. Then I decided to get away and will spend 2 weeks in Paris in January. Sometimes running is the only course for a time. You may post anything you wish, I really have no problem with sharing this difficult and beautiful time. Your sister in spirit, susan
It has taken a while to get back to you though your words resonated and brought me such comfort. I am so grateful for your honesty and your ability to reach across the miles and speak so eloquently to what remains after the death of such a precious loved one. I am often floating in a state of utter confusion. I wake from a nap or the middle of the night and I look for Daniel and realize he is never coming back. He really died! The mind does play tricks with me. I have taken such a body blow. The worst fear of my life, losing my husband, has happened and I am still here. Sorting through such myriad emotions I am either wading through waist deep wet sand or free falling from the atmosphere.I know you are farther along on the grief continuum. I also know now that what has happened will never will leave my consciousness until I draw my last breath. When you asked if I would want to forget his death, I knew my answer would be ” Never!” It was a sacred moment. Such a cruel and horrifying disease. He melted away. As his body imploded his spirit grew. I believe he became a wise and holy man in his suffering. He
taught me much about grace and dignity, acceptance and gratitude.Now the new normal takes over and the day to day occupies but I never really feel whole. I am busy redoing the house, trying to lighten, brighten, and renew what has felt so static. I am amused by my little tasks in light of all l that has happened. Sometimes I long for time to pass more quickly so I could back and say I did the hard work of grieving and now I can create something that resonates for me. I would be lying if I said this has not affected my relationships with the girls. One wants me to show no emotion and is easily annoyed with me. I am the one here, her beloved father is gone. I realized I would have to take the hits, I am the “grown up” but oh I am tired of it. My other daughter, who lives in NYC, closes down and is often “unavailable”. So much for my dream of us all coming together in this new family unit. I will be patient but this can sometimes break ones spirit. I am always surprised by my naive view of what will be. The family will become stronger without the main man because we were all in this together. I think it must be broken first and then we will come back stronger in the broken places.I am taking the girls to Mexico for Christmas with my darling brother. Then I decided to get away and will spend 2 weeks in Paris in January. Sometimes running is the only course for a time. You may post anything you wish, I really have no problem with sharing this difficult and beautiful time. Your sister in spirit, susan
Update on an “Open Letter Between Two Woman” Scroll down to see the beginning beneath the poem  “All Is Love” if not already following.
Dear Susie,
It is a beautiful fall day. The sky is bright blue and filled with gorgeous puffs of white. A true Colorado day with everyone outside on their bikes, running the trails, playing ball in the parks and enjoying the blessings of a perfect Indian summer. I find myself at loose ends. I met a friend for brunch and came home and felt lost. I have cried very little, made myself available to see the lovely people in my life, and tried to center my thoughts on gratitude rather than sadness. And then a deafening silence fills the house and I realize what I have lost. I find I can tell you these things better than others. I am busy acting “as if”, needing to reassure everyone that I am doing well. I tell my friends that I am whole despite this tragedy. And yet I know that I have such a long climb ahead of me. Dan’s best friend, Ted, has faithfully read your blog since Dan was diagnosed. That was how I found you. Today he wrote to me and said he wished he had the words you have expressed so beautifully over the years to clear out out the sadness and despair he feels. Once I read his words I knew I had to ask you if your life feels a bit more whole now. I know you have been doing the hard work of grieving and living and wonder whether you still feel that inability to fully breathe. It has only been five weeks but the rest of my life seems very long. I am blessed with friends and family and a home I can afford and endless possibilities (I hope) and then the magnitude of what has happened blindsides me. On my better days I can acknowledge death as the natural outcome of life, we are not to be spared. I tell myself my western attitudes of death are in need of a new interpretation. I am reading as much as I can about grief and yet find little solace.
I have spent seven and a half years being caregiver. Now I must redefine my whole life. And there is the question that nags at my consciousness every day. Where is Dan? He was Buddhist, I was raised Catholic and feel in transit. I am unable to find solace in the church. I am trying to be kind to myself as I count the days but I keep replaying Dan’s last breaths in my mind’s eye and wonder if that picture will be with me always. I do not want to forget a moment but can one move forward and remember the past so vividly? Time heals all wounds my mother used to tell me. Does it? I am really writing this letter to myself I think. I went to the Cancer Center on Friday to bring in the bags of drugs that had accumulated over the years. I wanted to dispose of them properly. I found it profoundly sad to enter a place we visited 3 or 4 times a week for years and know that it was really. We had run out of the possibility of a miracle. The nurses cried, I cried, the schedulers cried, I cried, and I left wondering if one could use up all the tears of a lifetime.
Susie, if you saw my life, even in my private moments, you would be saying Bravo, you are handling this so well. I do believe I am doing better than I expected. But life is so messy and our emotions can often hijack us when we least expect it. So I hope you will accept this wandering missive as it is meant, to talk to someone whose life has mirrored mine in many ways. I know we both we blessed with exceptional life partners. I want to honor that and I want to find the courage to continue and dare I say, thrive.
I still see you in your garden, mowing the lawn, enjoying the moment and I thank you for such a positive image. It gives me hope and makes me smile. I hope you are well and I send you my best regards. Yours Susan
Dear Susan (16th October)
Having just returned from a rather nice late holiday in Southern Spain with my son and friends I am drawn to your email first.  My best PC is away having some repairs  and so I am ‘limping’ here on an ancient model but wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and have read with much interest your words written so eloquently. From your description of a bright beautiful fall day there in your home town of Colorado to here much the same. The gardens blown to pieces with the sudden gushes that have brought the red leaves of my Virginia Creeper down and scattered them like sad drops of crimson along the gravel drive and across the lawns of my little home here in the farmlands of the Lincolnshire Wolds. The gardens are untidy and need attention but will soon be bare as the weather in this part of England dictates. I am not a lover of the cold winds and enjoyed so much the warm weather of the past ten days. Winter is long here, the nights darken early and our winters often bring snow. Not the best time of the year for me as I approach two years without my best love…
How alike we seem when I carefully read you words that mirror so much of my early days of grieving and loss, the meeting with a friend for lunch and then the overwhelming sense of sadness on return. Profoundly engulfing with that terrible feeling of loss and aloneness I know it so well! Does it ever change? I have always promised to be completely truthful when writing my blog and will continue here as I know you would expect this of me. Sadness and loss have a habit of sneaking-up on you just when you expect them least. Sometimes joyous occasions can even be worse, the desire to turn around and share it with your best love and to find them missing. Oh that terrible feeling!
Often on holiday I thought how much Hamada would have enjoyed the warm sun of the Mediterranean on his back, the leisurely strolls and him loving this part of the world as he did. These feelings would I believe be impossible to lose. They will stay forever with us but we will learn in time to live alongside them. The days pass, almost two years for me and the pain is less raw now but I can’t say I don’t ever have wishful,thoughtful,needy days because I do. I cannot wish to forget or close my mind to these feelings of loss – I allow them to enter and fill my mind in quiet times. And then to put them aside in this special place in my heart and just get on with life once more.
Mourn now Susan not just for the loss of your precious man, but also for what will never be and then gently let it go…
Make small beginnings towards reshaping your life without the one you loved – easy huh? The books tell us that is what we need to do – but for all of us it is so different – love is different – is it not? I can talk of my love here but never to a counsellor. How would she know how I felt? Did she ever have a love like mine? I know I would be cross and angry, so it would be a futile task and of no help what-so-ever for me. Others may be different, other mourners might glean some comfort from that kind of therapy. For all of us we must take the path that feels the most comfortable in our daily lives and towards anything that will bring a fruitful tomorrow – tiny steps, tiny efforts, no more is needed at this time it is such early days for you dear one.
As to whether you will ever lose the picture of Dan’s last moments from your mind, I cannot say, but do you really want to? They are yours forever – your heart will soon learn to absorb this pain and you will accept this vision as part of Dan’s time with you here on earth, as he is now in heaven-yes I was brought up Catholic too! Think of him there, why not, free from all worldly pain, smiling and happy – that’s how I choose to think of my Hamada, resting quietly and always with his beautiful smile. Many would say that’s silly but it suits me well to believe this. As you know he is buried here in the village – a Muslim in a Christian Churchyard but that was his wish and I feel near to him here. Perhaps he thought in his wisdom that would be the case. He was so perfectly clever.
I still cry privately maybe not with tears but in my heart. An overwhelming sadness that arrives for no reason. It is no longer for others to see, but I am sure my closest friends and I know my family are aware of the sadness I still feel and probably always will. Back to that term I use often, that learning to live alongside this loss is what we have to achieve.Â
Always celebrate your loved one, even just in your mind and with your own memories, this celebration will keep him with you and part of you. For he lives within you and you are made of all the joy he brought to your life. This significant and enormous loss does change you (how could it not?) But you can choose whether the change is for the better or not. I am far more compassionate now than as a young woman. I don’t doubt my capacity to recover or yours but I believe that to live my life now to the best of my ability and at it’s most fullness is not a betrayal of his memory, remember your loved one would want the very best for you.
It is such early days for you Susan and your email reads of one doing so very well but please don’t expect too much. You will have many days of odd emotions. To and fro, back and forth with such powerful emotions of need. Of course in the first few days there is a certain relief when finally the suffering is over and your best love is at rest. Then a period of adjustment to being and living alone – not easy. Sometimes a feeling of anger of being left alone, Hamada was younger than me – I did not envisage being alone in my old age but this feeling of anger is short lived. I am by nature a very social person but now enjoy my quiet thoughtful times. I make little plans for my days – with silly small things – I often talk to myself or sing away  I have a deep love of music which comforts me. I shall soon be that mad old lady who lives at “Hemingway” If I’m not already!!! It may seem as if you’ll never feel truly happy again but your new joy when found, will have a richness, depth and understanding that will have come from knowing profound pain and eventually profound healing.Â
Expect to go back and forth with your emotions during these first months or so – I still choose to have my sad days – why not – I miss him so… It is our right to grieve and cry out for the good men we lost. But days do get better and you will thrive well, of that I know. Perhaps dare I say, you will go on dates one day again? Perhaps find a companion to travel with – you are still young and why not, but always keep your independence for I do believe this is vitally important. Good men are good listeners too!  Life has a habit of going on and we cannot choose to go back, as much as we would wish to do so, nor can we step off and stay with only our memories to sustain us. Believe in your own strengths after all you cared well for someone for all that time without hesitation or weakness – we can do this in loving memory – I know Hamada would be proud of me and I know Dan is of you too. I try to live in the present now, small simple things give me joy – I am sixty five next month but still feel there is more left in life for me. I seemed to drink in the visions of beauty on this recent holiday – noticing things in vivid colours and more detail than for a long time.
Sorry if I have rambled some – it has been a busy morning with interruptions one way and another and this old computer knows I am busy and is giving me a hard time! Still I pray my humble words will help you in some way. Written and sent with love.  Blessings dear lady.
Susie xÂ
An Open Letter:
When we are in danger of losing a love one from serious illness we do everything within our power to search for a solution by means of medical help from every source we can find, to save them, and in so doing keep them with us. We lean on friends and family, delving deeply into their views and experiences of life’s most difficult moments. Sometimes it is easy to chat with someone you hardly know but who has been through the same thing that is approaching you now. Susan had been reading my ‘Poems of Love’ for a year before Hamada died, over at www.susiehemingway.blogspot.com Her comment written just after Hamada died and shown below tells of her own situation and how our lives during the past years were running the same course. The follow extracts are from our correspondence, truthful exchanges between two women bearing the same pain and the same experiences. And now as dear Dan has the news that time is short we have been corresponding again. Thank you Susan for the permission to post here a couple of the comments and emails that have passed across miles that separate, with the hope that our words might help others:
Comment – November 2010 .
Susie, I have been the keeper of the flame for my darling Daniel as he battled multiple myeloma for almost 6 years. We have had three transplants and have never had remission. I happened on your blog a year ago while sitting in Dan’s hospital room and have been a reader ever since. Tonight when I learned of Hamada’s passing I could barely contain my grief, for you, your beautiful family, your friends and I suppose for myself as well. I often wonder if today will be the day and the reality of your news made me wish I could embrace you and tell you that someone in Denver knows what a courageous battle was waged. Please know that you are a sister in spirit. Yours in great sympathy, Susan.
Email 13 August 2012.Â
Susie, the doctor gave us the news today, perhaps 2 months. Dan is sad because he always could wring more time out of this deadly cancer. To be told it is over is shocking. The girls, 29 and 25 are bereft as am I. I have told none of my friends or family yet but I am asking you if you have any thoughts to share about this leave taking. I think it odd but comforting that I am reaching out across the miles to you. Somehow you are a sister in spirit. Yours, Susan
In Reply. 14 August 2012.
Dear Susan,
Where to start? I am full of grief for you Susan. I am so very sad for your dear family and my heart goes out to you all. Firstly, many times the Doctors are wrong, as they were with Hamada and I pray that Dan will continue well for the longest time.
I suppose my last days with Hamada are all I have to go on, although I have faced death before it was never on my own. Somehow, somewhere the strength comes. I do believe there is a God so I prayed that he would guide me during this time. I prayed that he would help me ‘let go’ and he did. I prayed that he would ease the way for my beloved and from somewhere support came. No one will be able to understand this time and this loss for you. It is a unique experience for all those who lose a much loved partner. Hamada helped me too – he knew he had come to the end of his fighting. He told me he was so tired and this I knew was the start of his journey home. (I am full of tears as I write this but I must try to help you) I am sure that when the time comes, that Dan and you will know and accept too. In the meantime you must live these days quietly and with ease, for all will be well. Use your great strength for it will come, wait with patience; serenely in the joyous confidence of your love for each other. For this time is yours and yours alone.
Family are grieving too, but no one can see your heart or feel your pain. It is for you to find your own solace and strength and you will, for I am sure of this. Looking back I know I shut down my pain during the last few days. I continued to write my updates but devoted all my time to Hamada. The family had visited at the weekend and so for the next two days I chose to be completely alone except for a short time when my dear sister and her husband helped me to bathe Hamada and although he was deeply sleeping I believed he could still hear me. I never stopped telling him, of my love for him. I knew the time was coming because of a change in his breathing. I still wanted to be alone with him. He was my best love as Dan is yours and you will know what is right for you. I held him in my arms even after he had died. I did not wish to disturb his passing in any way. And then when I was really sure – I called for my family to come. This was our choice; it may not be for you. I knew from what Hamada had told me on the Sunday night that he was asking for my permission to rest now. I would have given my all -as you would for Dan- for him to stay with us longer, but it was my duty of care to accept and to allow no further intervention which would have been futile. You will know dear-one when the time is here. Please accept these last precious days of love together -for love is the greatest of all gifts and we have been lucky to have known such joy. My thoughts and prayers will remain with you throughout this time.
“Father, hear the prayer we offer. For strength that we may ever live
our lives courageously. Be our strength in hours of weakness
in our wanderings be our guide .Lord I implore you, to always be at Susan’s side”.
I am your sister in spirit, all blessings dear lady.
Susie.
16th August 2012
Dear Susie,  If this disease has taught me anything, it is to approach life with an open heart and utter honesty in the face unbearable moments. I know that may not work for everyone but it has kept me on the high road these many years.  Yesterday we celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. The girls arranged a beautiful dinner in Boulder, Colorado at perhaps the best restaurant in the state. Julia and her boyfriend drove us the 45 minutes from Denver. It was perfect from start to finish. I don’t know what the girls told the restaurant but we were greeted so warmly and handed a glass of champagne the moment we walked in. Everyone came by to wish us well and our waitress said she could only hope to treasure someone for as many years as we have. At one point we were laughing so hard that I had a flash that I would probably describe my life with Dan, even the cancer years, as two people always making each other laugh.I flashed on the thought that one could capture moments over these many years and most would find us roaring with delight. I might add he has one arm that is broken and useless. He thinks he broke the other arm this week and can barely lift it. That did not stop him from taking his best girl out for a night we will not forget. These are moments of such grace and valor that they take my breath away. I cannot tell you how much your correspondence means to me. I do have a sister of the heart. Yours, Susan
18th August 2012.
Dear Susie, Your email to me was balm to a very weary and troubled soul. I know it could not have been easy to relive and write those words. I also know that you have reached out to many these past years (most probably your entire life) and your goodness and wisdom has calmed and soothed many a heavy heart. Your description of the last days mirror what I have had in mind. Dan does not want to go to hospice and tells me he will die in his own bed. He is at the hospital, as I write, getting blood and platelets. He still refuses to stop all treatment since he has a 60th birthday in a few weeks and wants a party. God love such courageous people. His other arm broke yesterday so now he has two arms that are almost useless. He doesn’t complain and seems to grow more beautiful in his suffering. I remember thinking that of your dear husband. I was fascinated by his face and the story it told of love and strength. I will keep you posted but I do not want to add any burdens on you. I think you are marvellous! I am grateful that you reached out across the miles and I humbly thank you for your honesty and compassion. Yours, Susan.
18 August 2012.
Dear Susan, You would never be a burden dear lady. I just wish with all my heart that you did not have to go through this dreadful time but such is life for all of us at sometime. My positive thoughts and all prayers will continue for you and for Dan, throughout the coming days for all strength and courage. As my last poem says †Give me your hand that I may walk with you†Many hugs across the miles Susie x
29 August 2012
Dear Susan,
Just to let you know I am thinking of you every day and that you and Dan are in my daily prayers. I am hoping beyond sense to believe that Dan has rallied and I shall continue to wish with all my heart this is so and that Dan has a wonderful 60th Birthday. How are you? I know you will have not a minute to yourself but I am sure your daughters and family will be close-by to support you.
Keep strong Susan – this is yours and Dan’s time now. Sending lots of hugs and my very best wishes. xxxx
Susie.
Dear Friend Susie,
My daughter Catherine has called this a beautiful disaster. I find it an apt description for a situation that seems to bring with it a multitude of sacred and profane moments. Dan’s left arm is useless. Now the right arm is broken and there are a number of ribs that are cracked and causing great pain. When I tiptoed out of the bathroom, to quietly leave without waking him, he started singing “My Girl” in a voice ravaged by steroids but beautiful to me. How can one move from such highs and lows and keep oneself from spinning into a million broken pieces?
The house is full of flowers, cakes, food, and wondrous cards and messages that all pay tribute to a life well lived. When Daniel went to the Cancer Centre on Thurs, all the nurses and his oncologist threw him a surprise birthday party. Imagine an exam room filled with balloons, streamers, a gorgeous homemade cake and all his caretakers. The” beauty of this disaster” keeps reminding me that we only have this moment.
The girls and I spend endless hours on the bed talking to him about what he considers his life’s principles. Why have you always found it so easy to take the high road we ask? How do you manage to keep your equilibrium in situations fraught with pot holes? What principles do you think have been your guiding truths in your professional and personal life? And on and on and on. For I fear not asking the question that will become so important to me later in not having his answer. It is totally irrational, I know, but I have no excuse for the musings of an unsettled mind. My brother flies in today to spend time with all of us. And Dan’s siblings will be here in a few weeks. They will no doubt live their North Dakota childhood once more with endless stories and great hilarity. The goodness of people is humbling. This morning Dan told me he now has set his sights on being here for Christmas. From his lips to God’s ears I silently say as I kiss his cheek. And I face this day knowing that people do care so much. Someday Susie I will personally embrace you and tell you what a difference you have made. Yours in light and love, Susan.
5th September 2012
Dear Susan
I have been thinking of you and Dan this morning as I mowed the grass at the rear of my small home here in England. It is such a beautiful late summer day. So green everywhere with a stunning blue sky. A day that makes you think that all is well in the world and of course it isn’t!
Your last email lifted my heart in so many ways with all it contained. Catherine’s ‘beautiful disaster’ is so profoundly true. We speak and see things during these sad times with such clarity because our minds and hearts yearn to securely store everything to memory. We need to know the very essence of our dear-ones, what made them the strong men we found so attractive all those years ago and how have they managed to endure with such grace all that has befallen them since. We ask all and everything as we should, there seems to be special times for that somehow. God makes space in our busy schedules – odd moments of such joy, amidst the suffering and the sorrow. These precious days of parting and of love do continue in your mind of course but maybe during a quiet moment perhaps before you sleep Susan, you may like to jot down some short sentences, just an outline or a clue to jog your memory of all these ‘beautiful disaster days’ precious moments that you will wish to recall with your daughters at a later date. You will be busy now, rushing here and there with lots of visitors, cooking and caring with Dan’s family and your friends visiting, that things sometimes erase from our minds and you find yourself saying “and what did we talk about then?”
I must admit I wept a few tears when I read about Dan singing “My Girl” and hummed it for the rest of the day. How perfectly beautiful was that! Just a delicious memory to carry with you for always.
Stay strong and well dear lady. I send all positive thoughts and my prayers your way.
Susie
Friday, September 07, 2012
Dan died early this morning. My prayers and thoughts go to dear Susan and all their family. May he rest in peace Amen.
17th October 2012.
Dear Friend Susie,
Dan is finally free from mind numbing pain, years of treatment, hospitals, cancer centers, transplants, specialists, death sentences, hopes raised and dashed, worries about health insurance and sadness about leaving a family he adored. I have you to thank for helping me be my best self at his leaving. I had your words to ground me on the last day of his life. I was not afraid, as I feared I would be, and Julia and I were able to be with him as he labored to be released from the bonds of an earthly body. I prayed the Rosary at his bedside for I have always found comfort in Mother Mary. Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. As Dan is a practitioner of an Eastern Religion and a meditation teacher, I whispered his favorite Sanskrit chant is his ear. Julia and I kept our hands on his heart center. He looked to me to be concentrating. When he breathed his last breath, we bid him farewell and thanked him for being such a wise and wonderful husband and father. It has been ten days since his death and I just sent my beautiful Catherine on a plane back to NYC. Now the real work begins. We have had a houseful of people for these many days, many tears, great gulps of laughter, tall tales told, family, friends, and wonderful memories. I so want to tell you about the funeral ceremony but I have decided that is for a time in the future when we can share a cup of tea and stories of the best men we knew. The house is deafening in its silence. But I have a picture in my minds eye of a lovely woman in the English countryside mowing the back lawn on a summers day and realizing that all is well. Thank you for your compassion and constancy. Yours, Susan
Dan is finally free from mind numbing pain, years of treatment, hospitals, cancer centers, transplants, specialists, death sentences, hopes raised and dashed, worries about health insurance and sadness about leaving a family he adored. I have you to thank for helping me be my best self at his leaving. I had your words to ground me on the last day of his life. I was not afraid, as I feared I would be, and Julia and I were able to be with him as he labored to be released from the bonds of an earthly body. I prayed the Rosary at his bedside for I have always found comfort in Mother Mary. Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. As Dan is a practitioner of an Eastern Religion and a meditation teacher, I whispered his favorite Sanskrit chant is his ear. Julia and I kept our hands on his heart center. He looked to me to be concentrating. When he breathed his last breath, we bid him farewell and thanked him for being such a wise and wonderful husband and father. It has been ten days since his death and I just sent my beautiful Catherine on a plane back to NYC. Now the real work begins. We have had a houseful of people for these many days, many tears, great gulps of laughter, tall tales told, family, friends, and wonderful memories. I so want to tell you about the funeral ceremony but I have decided that is for a time in the future when we can share a cup of tea and stories of the best men we knew. The house is deafening in its silence. But I have a picture in my minds eye of a lovely woman in the English countryside mowing the back lawn on a summers day and realizing that all is well. Thank you for your compassion and constancy. Yours, Susan
19th September 2012
 Dear Susan
How difficult the days must be for you , even though you must feel greatly relieved that Dan is now at peace. I wept at your last email knowing already and understanding your pain so well and how you must be feeling now. This place that remains a hollow in your heart that nothing can fill, is I believe, a way of sustaining that connection to your precious one. This quiet abiding feeling Susan is to be valued in a way, at least that is what I truly believe even now. It was, and is a private connection to your loved one, it still arrives without warning these days, although in the early weeks and months it never left me. You must be feeling all this hollowness now and nothing I can say to you, will help you with this wretched grief, it is so personal to you and to each of us. But it does as they say get better, you begin to walk alongside the pain, not like the early days ‘within it’
Be patient with yourself dear lady and let these feelings of sadness dwell within you, it is all part of the grieving process. I believe that you don’t need to tackle the emptiness at any time now and not even in the future, just be kind and good to yourself and just when you doubt your capacity to recover however long it takes – for it is different for us all – ultimately healing will arrive.
In the coming days you will experience all manner of feelings, you will be most vulnerable, cry at odd moments, yearn with a passion to see, talk, be with and smell your man once more. You will feel aftershock, numbness, denial, depression and confusion, some bitterness and much regret. All is normal, all is to be experienced, all is to be endured after loss.
You will have all of these engulfing emotions before you can manage with life once more. So many of your friends and all your family want to share the hurt in your heart, all our MM Internet world feel your sadness. So many wish to lead you to new hope and peace and so many are grieving along with you at your loss. But ultimately it is your journey, a journey now to find a renewed sense of purpose and joy to your life. And when you are ready and only then, will you lovingly let go.
As the weeks go by you will find that you can go for an hour or a day without the painful reminders of absence and emptiness but if I am to be as always truthful as I vowed to be when I started this blog, even now at almost two years on, I still feel such intense loss occasionally but have learnt to deal cleverly with my pain. I focus within for a while – take myself to a quiet place and allow my feelings of love to surface. Life will not ever be the same it will be different but we were lucky to have know such love – and many never do.
Celebrate your loved one with you own memories and the memories others will share with you, this continuous celebration of dear Dan’s life will keep your loved one with you and part of you. I know your daughters will want you to talk about their Father, it maybe hard now but later they will desire for the words to flow and they will, recalling better happy joyous times
Be open to rebirth for it will find you Susan, embrace this time for grieving as painful as it. For it is without doubt the most sacred and human thing you will ever have to do.
I send my very best wishes for your recovery and you will remain in my prayers always.
Yours Sincerely Susie.
I seem to wait for you these days,
like longing for the sun to rise after a sleepless night.
When believing that the bright morning rays
that cast shadows across my floor,
will remove this need from my heart.
And still I wait.
I wait for you like the excited child before a birthday.
Eager and keen for the day to start
when all the surprises and fun will begin.
But you never come to bring these joys to me!
I know you can’t…I know you would… I know…
I’m still waiting for you when I look at the night sky
filled with twinkling jewels.
I look again for you as I enter the house alone.
I’m waiting to see those laughing eyes, black as coal-chips
and the smile that always took my breath away.
I’m waiting…
The tears fall as I write this and you would have been
so mad,
mad with me for being sad – but I’m waiting to hear your
luscious voice once more.
I seem to wait a lot these days.
I know you can’t make it right.
I know you can’t…I know you would…I know…
All Rights Reserved. 2011.
Dear John,
Monday 24 Jan.2011
Yes indeed we can John, we can do all manner of things if those things bring us comfort. Kissing the special bookmark is a tender act of remembrance as you think of your wife. We fought long and hard to help our partners and so the path we take to bring comfort is ours to choose and ours alone to find. If a little gesture brings some peace or comfort to us, then it’s a must.
I try to keep busy to get through the days although not so in the first few weeks. I have now started this distraction therapy with a little work at “Hemingway†Work that was long overdue, re-designing the kitchen bringing it more up-to-date. Planning in my mind little things to take care of during the next few weeks, I thought might help? I sincerely hope your days have not been too painful this week.
When tending a love one and making all decisions for their medical care, arranging drug ordering, keeping the many hospital appointments and with all their personal needs to attend to. The very many things that are important to make their days comfortable. Then all of a sudden when they are no longer here and all their daily needs stop, it is like losing a right arm. A huge chasm opens up, a void you feel like jumping into. The awful emptiness that fills your mind and time “what do I do nowâ€.
So I have been trying to fill my days with little projects. Not terribly exciting plans but achieving something small everyday gives me a structure to focus on, a sense of purpose in a way. I talk to Hamada often just like he is in the other room as I am sure you talk to your precious wife also. I still put on his favourite music forgetting he is no longer there to listen but hoping he can, am I mad?
I was cleaning the window of his bedroom from the outside, something I often did- in between the window cleaners coming-so he could always have a nice shiny perfectly clear view of the sky. As I was rubbing away at the glass I could clearly see Hamada’s reflection in the glass! I looked and saw him propped up in his bed smiling at me. So I bent forward and blew him a kiss then on seeing clearly that the room was empty, my heart filled with such pain again at the missing of him. Things like that upset your day, the desire to see your love one just one more time, or for me to hear his beautiful voice often overwhelms.
So keeping busy for me is paramount but I’m still not up to large social ‘do’s’ I live in a tiny village, our community is close and there are often rather nice things to attend. Village Hall Dinners, Music evenings but I’m not ready for those yet. I scuttle and flurry about like some demented black bat with my private thoughts and memories at times frightened they might vanish. Silly really for if they did, so would I. Of course we shall survive not living the life we had imagined but we shall keep our memories safe and perhaps by talking about our grief we may give some hope to others.
I pray you have a peaceful week and manage to enjoy some good days.
All very best wishes for your continued peace.
Susie.x
Hi Anne,
Wednesday 26 Jan 2011.
Yes today was difficult just like you said it would be, the horrid two month anniversary. Can it really be this long? You said it would be this way and you are so much further down this difficult road with your loss than I. Eight weeks! this longing to have him back seems as if it has been forever. The quietness now in the house after all the bustle and arrangements of funeral etc. I am sure it is harder in a way for us because we spent so much time with our partners. Far more than any ‘normal’ relationship. Caring takes all the hours in a day unless you are lucky to have some help. Even so, it is hard to leave your loved one and for most of us, we were hardly apart in the last few weeks at all. How close we became, almost breathing together in the end, watching and tending to their needs in those last precious moments together. Then the exhaustion that arrived when all was completed and all necessary paperwork attended to. I could not think of anything except my loss and the wishing he was with me here again.I found myself spending much time sleeping in the first few weeks, buried deep beneath mounds of duvet; the weather was freezing with snow that matched well my icy heart and body. I did not wish to wake from the place without pain but I would always manage to get up in the early hours, shower and dress. The first thought on waking was so painful and my whole body shook with grief and longing. I found it hard to get warm although the central heating is perfectly adequate. Being shivery is normal I believe and impossible to get warm I would creep back to bed at the first opportunity. All I longed for were hot baths and even hotter mugs of black tea and to be completely alone.Fancy those being the only things that could bring comfort during this time, I would clasp the mugs of tea as if they were a life line.
You have told me of your comforts, how different we all are but whatever works is the right path to take. As these days go by we will see a progress in taking a new direction with our lives and that in turn may give us some peace. Look forward to hearing from you again.
All fondest wishes and hope for your recovery.
Susie x
“Tell yourself how well you do. You may discover you’re doing better than you thoughtâ€
Permission granted as “open letters†All Rights Reserved.