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A Power Within

Category: Multiple myeloma Page 1 of 7

I Missed You.

By

On August 19, 2024

In Friends/Lovers, In Death, Love, Love poems, Memories, Multiple myeloma, Poetry, Site News, The Box of Secrets

                             

I missed you, when the heated rhythm of Salsa, that feels so like chillies when they touch your tongue drifted across the dance floor,
I missed you as this enticing music reached my jewelled pinned ears.
Where were you? When the luscious sounds of Sax blues, caught my needy toes so carefully encased in high dancing shoes.
Where were those slim sun touched hands that would reach to twirl me to the dance floor.
Where was the graceful dancer, whose gentle persuasion could spin me like a whirlpool, making me turn and sway to the sounds of Latin beats and Bluesy tones.
Tell me, where were those magical eyes, those sparkling rays of light, that always laughed with me.
Where was that smile, those breathy movements on the dance floor, those feet that could glide and coax the dancer from my soul.
How my heart wants to dance with you once more, instead of standing alone when the music calls to me.
I watched the others spin and whirl but my arms were empty, sadness for your charms that made me feel like sixteen again.
I was never a wallflower but she has found me now, where were you when the deliciously heated sound of Salsa reached my ears,
where were you?

 

Can I Mention Your Name.

By

On April 18, 2018

In Imaginations and inter-blogging, In Death, Love poems, Memories, Multiple myeloma, Poetry, The Box of Secrets, Uncategorized

When I don’t mention your name

it wishes to slip through my lips

it rolls around in my mouth

it hinders my speech

you are not a memory lost

you are with me always

yearning to escape,

please can I mention your name?

 

A new guest for tea

like old school friends relaying

the years past, the joy of connection

laughter and life,

she asks your name

it flows like a coursing stream

channels down on fresh white linen it falls,

it ripples, slides and spills…

 

Oh the joy of saying your name

oh the passage of cherished time

fills my heart making my ears happy,

your name tastes of sweet soft

honey on my tongue,

it tastes of Caspian beluga caviar

on thin warm blinis,

it makes my eyes open wide with joy,

it is my heaven it is my desire…

 

 Can I mention your name…

The Box Of Secrets – Poems of Love.

By

On November 24, 2016

In Books, Health Issues, In Death, Love poems, Memories, Multiple myeloma, Photos, Poems of Places, Poetry, The Box of Secrets

img_3248 img_3255

“The Box Of Secrets” Poems and Photos available in soft-back and hardback styles, all to be found on www.blurb.co.uk. Under poetry. Or http://www.blurb.com/b/7455812-the-box-of-secrets  This book is sold via Blurb and not from this page.

The Box Of Secrets

By

On November 20, 2016

In Books, Health Issues, In Death, Lincolnshire, Love poems, Memories, Multiple myeloma, Photos, Poems of Places, Poetry, The Box of Secrets

Introducing my new glossy coffee-table book full of ”Poems of Love” and gorgeous photos. You can find it over at www.blurb.com in the bookshop under poetry. In larger print for ‘tired’ eyes.img_3177

Adrift – by Susie

By

On April 4, 2016

In Imaginations and inter-blogging, In Death, Memories, Poetry, songs, Uncategorized

 image

 

Adrift, swooping swallows our only shade
ends indolent inert day,
laying naked in sun warmed ‘muddle’
the gentle sway of bobbing boat
reveals this sleepy scene,
the postprandial glass in hand,
a passage, a chasm,
this hiatus, this pause in time,
adrift, at mercy of our circumstances.

 

“Up Where We Belong”
plays loudly in my mind as
swallows break this torpid air
serenading their mating call
and this evening song…

 

@copyright Susie Hemingway.

photo: courtesy of Anne Manning.

 

Swallows are able to produce many songs, which are used to express excitement, to communicate with others of the same species, during courtship. The songs of males are related to the body condition of the bird and are presumably used by females to judge the physical condition and suitability for mating of males. The typical song of swallows is a simple,sometimes musical twittering.

The Wall – Susie Hemingway.

By

On April 2, 2016

In Carers Support, Health Issues, In Death, Love poems, Multiple myeloma, Poetry

image

The sunlight crept over the wall slowly
pulling itself as if tugging a tank
the heavy night seemed distant
the dreams seemed real…
With heavy heart I looked at the sky
the soft blue of a summer day
was nearly upon me,
light puffy wisps of pearly white clouds
pushed into my vision,
as this voice inside vibrates,
a heart bleeds and dissolves.

This circle goes round forever
this wall withers my needs
as I look above…
Difficult heart cutting days.
The wall that holds me back.
The wall, tall, dark and brutally gloomy,
this barrier to a new life,
this wall so near my face,
this wall that snaps and breaks me
and withers my heart…

This wall so heavily built against me
unyielding,
this block of bricks
returns its view…

@ copyright Susie Hemingway.

 

 

“The Way To Affirmation” by Susie Hemingway.

By

On September 8, 2014

In Articles., Books, In Death, Multiple myeloma

 

 It was thrilling to be a small part of this newly published book by Michael Vocino (former Dean of Libraries at the University of Rhode Island) and Alfred G. Killilea (Teacher of Political Theory at The University of Rhode Island) Shown here is an extract from my article “The Way To Affirmation” I recommend this nicely put together book “Befriending Death”, for further understanding  of human mortality: Now available from Amazon.

 

“The Way To Affirmation”

Married to my only love for almost thirty years and after a bravely fought battle to survive, Hamada lost his fight for life in November 2010. After a few months of grieving and resting my body and mind, for caregivers are exhausted after much time and many years in some cases, spent caring and nursing.    We do for others what we might never dream of doing for ourselves and the struggle was hard, as this good man had the strongest will to live!  We bravely go beyond barriers unknown to us. We fight battles, challenge medical authorities to negotiate the best care possible. Hamada fought every step of the way to continue to stay with us, accepting every treatment available, as many do. After his death I recalled the wise words of this clever man, these words spoken during his illness and a lot towards the end, requesting that I continue to live my life well and with joy. Difficult yes! But affirming life in the face of death is just that, the most difficult and painful road in the highway of life. How easy it would be to succumb and hide away with my grief as I know many choose to do. I so wanted that at times, feeling that I had nothing more to live for, but the dawn rises every day when all else is lost and for me it would have been a dishonour to this amazing man who fought through every treatment to survive. Affirmation!  Yes a serious and solemn declaration of affection for the essence of this good man.

I decided as my body returned to life once more, that I would honour my husband’s memory and go forth with joy and a smile on my face and live the life he so wanted to do.

Embracing the years I have left in the best way I can, will be my affirmation. Watching and absorbing all that he can no longer see or do. Knowing and learning more about this world we live in and accepting my life now with the joy he taught me when we were together.  No it will never be the same, but it will be the best I can do without him.  It will be mastered in his honour.

First before affirmation, comes the shock, the numbness, denial, depression, fear and then acceptance. Only when you accept and only then, can you affirm life in the aftermath of death. Hamada loved to have fun and so shall I.  The smile on my face will be the affirmation of my life lived with him; all we achieved together, all he taught me about living and what a waste if I do not make the most of these remaining years in the best way I can. Affirmation of a life lived well in his loving memory.

It is a Letter of Utter Love:

By

On June 24, 2013

In Carers Support, In Death, Multiple myeloma, Open Letters, Uncategorized

Photo: Across To Granada from Susie's Collection:

Scroll down in the comments to read the moving letter from Karen on http://susietest.stff.me/2013/05/07/the-fight-without-choice/

“The Fight Without Choice”

By

On May 7, 2013

In Health Issues, In Death, Love poems, Multiple myeloma, Poetry, Uncategorized

Feeling sad and cross today at the passing of yet another good Man to the dreadful disease of Multiple Myeloma. My heart goes out to dear Karen at the loss her beloved Hugh suddenly at the weekend. I have posted below a poem written in 2009 which sums up my feelings today. This poem was written at the height of my anger at such a hateful disease.
 
May Karen find the solace she so deserves during these sad days and in the coming months. Much is now being done to find a cure but we so need more research into this difficult and most awful disease that appears for some reason to be on the increase.
All blessings dear Karen and  rest in peace dear Hugh.
 
 
THE FIGHT WITHOUT CHOICE.
 
It was never a choice was it?
It sneaked in and through
along and around,
this nasty wicked beast that coursed
along the channels of our lives.
It tangled and tried to spoil,
bent, broke, quietened and flawed,
it tried to rob, steal if you may
inflict damage and take away.
It encumbered, hampered, distressed and sapped,
this dark encroacher that went too far.
Still it did not spoil or mar
Love twixt us two,
 
this fight… without choice…

 

“A Letter Between Two Woman” Cont:

By

On February 18, 2013

In Health Issues, In Death, Multiple myeloma, Open Letters, Uncategorized

 

For those following our story- a small extract from a recent email from Susan:

Dear Susie,

On my return home there were so many things I wanted to tell Dan, especially about my visit with you. Oh how to say all I wanted to say to him and to you. I can tell you that my meeting with you was the highlight of my trip.  Finally, there was someone who understood completely my journey of 7+ years.

I have this lovely image of you standing on the train platform, so beautiful and so welcoming. I will never forget that minds eye
picture and I will be forever grateful for your trek to meet the American. The day was so perfect and so English. Bless you.

I have replayed our conversation many times and try to see myself in two years, in control of my tears and my life. You give me hope that I can get through the muck and mire and feel a tad more whole again.
Aren’t we lucky when all is said and done?
Your sister in spirit and love, Susan.

“Joy, Laughter and Tears”

By

On January 31, 2013

In Health Issues, In Death, Multiple myeloma, Open Letters, Uncategorized

It was a treasured seamlessly perfect, poignant day. A day when two ladies who had experienced and sadly completed the same ‘journey in life’ came together after five years of correspondence to meet at a little country station in Stamford, Lincolnshire, England. The oh so brave Susan wife of the late Dan Patterson from Colorado, came by rail from London with no working cell phone( having been informed it would work in the UK) and no means of contacting me should she become lost or miss her rail connections but thank goodness arriving safely at this small country station.

I had planned my journey carefully to make sure I was there at the station to meet Susan, no easy feat as living in a rural location and driving across country, it is often difficult to plan journey times precisely, as often you are caught behind a tractor slowing your journey to a snails pace and the weather conditions of late have brought some flooding to country locations. Still I was there in good time and asked the Station Master could I cross the little bridge and wait for my dear American friend whom I had never met before or even seen her face in a photo, but so wanted to be there to greet her on the platform as her train arrived from London. He was keen to oblige and smiled warmly at the lady wrapped up well against the chilling wind of this bright blue very exciting day, that “simply must be” on the platform to meet her American friend – he smiled the tired smile of some men when confronted with forceful requests – lucky I live in a country location – can you imagine getting on the platform at Charing Cross without a platform ticket!

I settled in the waiting room checking the neon overhead timetable every few moments excited but concerned that I would managed to find my far travelled friend. The train draw into the station perfectly on time ( thank you British Rail for not letting me down) and I held my breath as I searched the carriages for a lady similar age to me for that was all I knew ( you don’t really discuss hair colour when you are talking of grief do you?) and there, smiling the biggest smile was this supremely beautiful expectant face peering and waving out of the compartment window. Susan stepped onto the platform and straight into my arms – we hugged and hugged and smiled, laughed and cried all at once!    We kept looking into each others faces and it was as if we had known each other for a lifetime!

 

I had wondered what we could do for the day that would make it a little different -for a short day – for a dear friend from the ‘other side of the pond’ and so I settled on a visit to the beautiful majestic Elizabethan house of “Burghley” that was just a short drive away. We needed a good setting for this memorable day, we also needed plenty of good coffee and a fine luncheon. So having left my car in the station car-park so wanting to focus my attention entirely on this lovely lady I arranged a taxi to and from this historic inspiring grand home of William Cecil the first Lord Burghley (1520-1598) and still the home of the Cecil family. I asked the taxi driver to please make a detour around the very attractive town of Stamford so my visitor may see the medieval core of 17th century stone buildings and some much older timber framed ones. He was happy to oblige of course seeming proud of this little town.

It was a chilly blowy day with a lazy bitter wind but blue skies prevailed across our green land and peaceful pastures. We  spent time admiring the grounds and the beautiful façade  of this great house with the gentle roaming deer and wonderful views of proud noble trees and even though in bleak winter the sun shone for us and the pastures held their green.

And so it goes that two woman that only found each other through great sadness and just because a boyhood friend of Dan Patterson’s who was saddened beyond belief with the thought that he was to lose his greatest companion, trolled the internet for understanding of the wretched disease of Multiple Myeloma. This rare illness that had befallen both our men and Dan’s kind friend who happened across my little blog of love poems that had insisted that Susan read of the trials and tribulations of another  woman on the other side of the world, just like her, going through exactly the same sadness as her and her beloved Dan. Susan read my simple poems, came back again and again and the connection  was made. Every so often over the years I would receive a comment from Susan and then the emails began and the bond was made. Just two woman from other sides of the world, coming together in their grief.

And so with much joy, many tears, and many many words, we had our delicious coffees together and a splendid luncheon in the pretty Orangery Restaurant at Burghley. Not moving from the restaurant for several hours – five in fact!  So many private words were spoken, so many tears were shed. Such a lovely, beautiful lady cut down with this heart wrenching grief, having just lost her beloved Dan only five months before but with such utter bravery and desire to meet the friend who had tried to help and understood only too well the dreadful grief  she was feeling now. It was like I had known Susan all my life, experienced all of her pain and understood everything about the fight to try and help her husband to live, the time of profound caring and her complete love for this good man.  We talked and talked a mirrored image, back and forth in these beautiful surroundings, filling the hours completely. And so dear readers, yes it was just as it should have been, the sharing of grief, the understanding between two woman  of all we had been through and just as we knew it would be  our friendship was sealed…

In Reply – A Letter Between Two Woman.

By

On November 22, 2012

In Carers Support, Health Issues, In Death, Multiple myeloma, Open Letters, Uncategorized

Dear Susan,
Firstly sincere apologies for not replying sooner. I have been busy having a birthday, so went South to visit my family staying over with my youngest son and spending a joyous time with a friend. All was wonderful and I was spoilt at all quarters. I am indeed a lucky lady!
Now the weather here in the Village is as dismal as can be, with much rain and the chilly winds blowing the orange and golden leaves into messy piles with puddles forming along the lanes.The trees taking on the look of black scarecrows waving their long arms. The afternoons are early dark so the evenings and nights appear longer. I am already longing for the Spring…
I read your letter and could feel your pain leaping from the page. Days now for you are the hardest and for all those in early grieving not easy. For folk who have never lost a loved one it is hard for them to imagine the engulfing all consuming pain, that threatens at times to overwhelm. The confusion you feel right now I can remember so well. The waking and the terrible feeling of loss that floods your consciousness is hard to bear but we do bear it you know. As time goes by, we can for part of the day desire to remember so fondly, these special loves of ours. And so as the months pass by it will get better and not be so painful – I promise you this. Going backwards and forward in the path of grief, is how to me, this painful emotion unfolds, to become something we can manage.
Tomorrow will be two years for me since Hamada’s death – how can that be? I miss him so naturally the same way that I take a breath each day, he is so much a part of me. It is the time of your thanksgiving celebrations – I shall be thankful for having known this oh! so special man and for the joy he brought into my life, thankful for the gentleness of him, of him loving me and our wonderful time together. I know you will find this holiday very painful and will spend most of the time looking back, thinking of your beloved Dan. Try if you can to think joyously, bringing lightness into your heart, it is difficult I know and somewhat flippant for me to say but I know this can help to think of all he brought into your life during your years together.All that was yours and his alone – precious and unique and perhaps known only to you two. Preserve these memories and hold them close. This day of Thanksgiving will pass like all the others… Embrace your family and your memories of Dan.
I understand well the different feelings of your girls. I faced this too with my boys – they knew well my pain of course, they only had to look at their Mother to see the light had gone out from her eyes. But they were hurting too. My Grandson was in terrible pain – something that worried me so very much but with the help of his good Mother and Father and continued counselling he is doing very well now. As my sister said the other day ” we all miss him so” It is not just us that are raw with pain in the early days. Discussion of my emotions was hard with my sons, for when I saw them they so wanted to cheer me up, not recall my pain. They listened of course but I think they feared of upsetting me all over again. I leaned against them but my youngest son ‘swallowed his pain’ and still does I feel. Your girls will act differently from each other, will be different emotionally but they will adjust to their loss in their own way, for time does take care of that.
Life will never be the same for any of us that have experience such amazing people in our lives and then watch them suffer in the way they did and for so long enduring it all and their absolute bravery. Your beautiful caring daughters watched this over the years too, as my sons saw the terrible changes in dear Hamada and they watched my knowing loss and final acceptance. I salute our precious people, for they deserve much admiration in their forbearance too
I feel I cannot wish you a “Happy Thanksgiving” but you know dear one – we do have much to be thankful for – the love we both knew and experienced with these two wonderful men. The strength we had to learn but would rather have not, the insight into something profound and spiritual – it was a lot and I am thankful now that there is peace.
Blessings and Peace to you dear friend.
Susie x

Letter Between Two Woman Cont.

By

On November 22, 2012

In Carers Support, Health Issues, In Death, Multiple myeloma, Open Letters, Uncategorized

Dear Friend Susie,
It has taken a while to get back to you though your words resonated and brought me such comfort.  I am so grateful for your honesty and your ability to reach across the miles and speak so eloquently to what remains after the death of such a precious loved one.  I am often floating in a state of utter confusion. I wake from a nap or the middle of the night and I look for Daniel and realize he is never coming back.  He really died!  The mind does play tricks with me. I have taken such a body blow.  The worst fear of my life, losing my husband, has happened and I am still here.  Sorting through such myriad emotions I am either wading through waist deep wet sand or free falling from the atmosphere.I know you are farther along on the grief continuum.  I  also know now that what has happened will never will leave my consciousness until I draw my last breath.  When you asked if I would want to forget his death, I knew my answer would be ” Never!” It was a sacred moment. Such a cruel and horrifying disease.  He melted away.  As his body imploded his spirit grew.  I believe he became a wise and holy man in his suffering.  He
taught me much about grace and dignity, acceptance and gratitude.Now the new normal takes over and the day to day occupies but I never really feel whole.  I am busy redoing the house, trying to lighten, brighten, and renew what has felt so static.  I am amused by my little tasks in light of all l that has happened. Sometimes I long for  time to pass more quickly so I could back and say I did the hard work of grieving and now I can create something that resonates for me.  I would be lying if I said this has not affected my relationships with the girls.  One wants me to show no emotion and is easily annoyed with me.  I am the one here, her beloved father is gone.  I realized I would have to take the hits, I am the “grown up” but oh I am tired of it.  My other daughter, who lives in NYC, closes down and is often “unavailable”.  So much for my dream of us all coming together in this new family unit.  I will be patient but this can sometimes break ones spirit.  I am always surprised by my naive view of what will be.  The family will become stronger without the main man because we were all in this together.  I think it must be broken first and then we will come back stronger in the broken places.I am taking the girls to Mexico for Christmas with my darling brother.  Then I decided to get away and will spend 2 weeks in Paris in January.  Sometimes running is the only course for a time.  You may post anything you wish, I really have no problem with sharing this difficult and beautiful time.  Your sister in spirit, susan

All Is Love by Susie Hemingway.

By

On September 4, 2012

In Carers Support, Health Issues, Love poems, Multiple myeloma, Poetry

For Those Who Need  A Love Poem Today

Love is a perfect note;
love is a certain smile or a gentle touch.
It is the dripping  juiciness of ripe mangos on a parched tongue
or the smoothness of rippling silk as it touches your skin
or perhaps the sweetest strawberry dipped in liquid chocolate?
 
Love could be the aroma of double espresso just before it reaches your lips,
 or is it the smoky woody smell of a newly lit fire?
 All is love.
 
 
But… Love is also the stormy greys of long worried nights
 love is restless broken sleep that drains energy from your soul,
 love is eyes heavy from sadness.
 But love is also the ashen face that looks at you when days are bad and you are brave.
 Love is you starting the fight once more as realisation arrives in your eyes.
 Love is also the beautiful eyes of family members whose tender glances record their own story.
 Love is the strong arms that support and guide your way.
 Love is the dearest child who stokes your hair with such beautiful gentle hands.
 Love is our private moments that make difficult days better,
 love is that look across the room that says it all.
 
Love is all these things…
And all these things are love, and you.

An Open Letter.

By

On August 22, 2012

In Health Issues, Multiple myeloma, Open Letters, Uncategorized

An Open Letter:

When we are in danger of losing a love one from serious illness we do everything within our power to search for a solution by means of medical help from every source we can find, to save them, and in so doing keep them with us. We lean on friends and family, delving deeply into their views and experiences of life’s most difficult moments. Sometimes it is easy to chat with someone you hardly know but who has been through the same thing that is approaching you now. Susan had been reading my ‘Poems of Love’ for a year before Hamada died, over at www.susiehemingway.blogspot.com  Her comment written just after Hamada died and shown below tells of her own situation and how our lives during the past years were running the same course. The follow extracts are from our correspondence, truthful exchanges between two women bearing the same pain and the same experiences. And now as dear Dan has the news that time is short we have been corresponding again. Thank you Susan for the permission to post here a couple of the comments and emails that have passed across  miles that separate, with the hope that our words might help others:

Comment – November 2010 .

Susie, I have been the keeper of the flame for my darling Daniel as he battled multiple myeloma for almost 6 years. We have had three transplants and have never had remission. I happened on your blog a year ago while sitting in Dan’s hospital room and have been a reader ever since. Tonight when I learned of Hamada’s passing I could barely contain my grief, for you, your beautiful family, your friends and I suppose for myself as well. I often wonder if today will be the day and the reality of your news made me wish I could embrace you and tell you that someone in Denver knows what a courageous battle was waged. Please know that you are a sister in spirit. Yours in great sympathy, Susan.

Email 13 August 2012. 

Susie, the doctor gave us the news today, perhaps 2 months. Dan is sad because he always could wring more time out of this deadly cancer. To be told it is over is shocking. The girls, 29 and 25 are bereft as am I. I have told none of my friends or family yet but I am asking you if you have any thoughts to share about this leave taking. I think it odd but comforting that I am reaching out across the miles to you. Somehow you are a sister in spirit. Yours, Susan

In Reply. 14 August 2012.

Dear Susan,

Where to start? I am full of grief for you Susan. I am so very sad for your dear family and my heart goes out to you all. Firstly, many times the Doctors are wrong, as they were with Hamada and I pray that Dan will continue well for the longest time.

I suppose my last days with Hamada are all I have to go on, although I have faced death before it was never on my own. Somehow, somewhere the strength comes. I do believe there is a God so I prayed that he would guide me during this time. I prayed that he would help me ‘let go’ and he did. I prayed that he would ease the way for my beloved and from somewhere support came. No one will be able to understand this time and this loss for you. It is a unique experience for all those who lose a much loved partner. Hamada helped me too – he knew he had come to the end of his fighting. He told me he was so tired and this I knew was the start of his journey home. (I am full of tears as I write this but I must try to help you) I am sure that when the time comes, that Dan and you will know and accept too. In the meantime you must live these days quietly and with ease, for all will be well. Use your great strength for it will come, wait with patience; serenely in the joyous confidence of your love for each other. For this time is yours and yours alone.

Family are grieving too, but no one can see your heart or feel your pain. It is for you to find your own solace and strength and you will, for I am sure of this. Looking back I know I shut down my pain during the last few days. I continued to write my updates but devoted all my time to Hamada. The family had visited at the weekend and so for the next two days I chose to be completely alone except for a short time when my dear sister and her husband helped me to bathe Hamada and although he was deeply sleeping I believed he could still hear me. I never stopped telling him, of my love for him. I knew the time was coming because of a change in his breathing. I still wanted to be alone with him. He was my best love as Dan is yours and you will know what is right for you. I held him in my arms even after he had died. I did not wish to disturb his passing in any way. And then when I was really sure – I called for my family to come. This was our choice; it may not be for you. I knew from what Hamada had told me on the Sunday night that he was asking for my permission to rest now. I would have given my all -as you would for Dan- for him to stay with us longer, but it was my duty of care to accept and to allow no further intervention which would have been futile. You will know dear-one when the time is here. Please accept these last precious days of love together -for love is the greatest of all gifts and we have been lucky to have known such joy. My thoughts and prayers will remain with you throughout this time.

“Father, hear the prayer we offer. For strength that we may ever live

our lives courageously. Be our strength in hours of weakness

in our wanderings be our guide .Lord I implore you, to always be at Susan’s side”.

I am your sister in spirit, all blessings dear lady.

Susie.

 

16th August 2012

Dear Susie,   If this disease has taught me anything, it is to approach life with an open heart and utter honesty in the face unbearable moments.  I know that may not work for everyone but it has kept me on the high road these many years.   Yesterday we celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary.  The girls arranged a beautiful dinner in Boulder, Colorado at perhaps the best restaurant in the state.  Julia and her boyfriend drove us the 45 minutes from Denver. It was perfect from start to finish.  I don’t know what the girls told the restaurant  but we were greeted so warmly and handed a glass of champagne the moment we walked in.  Everyone came by to wish us well and our waitress said she could only hope to treasure someone for as  many years as we have. At one point we were laughing so hard that I had a flash that I would probably describe my life with Dan, even the cancer years, as two people always making each other laugh.I flashed on the thought that one could capture moments over these many years and most would find us roaring with delight.  I might add he has one arm that is broken and useless.  He thinks he broke the other arm this week and can barely lift it.  That did not stop him from taking his best girl out for a night we will not forget.  These are moments of such grace and valor that they take my breath away. I cannot tell you how much your correspondence means to me.  I do have a sister of the heart.  Yours, Susan

 

18th August 2012.

Dear Susie, Your email to me was balm to a very weary and troubled soul. I know it could not have been easy to relive and write those words. I also know that you have reached out to many these past years (most probably your entire life) and your goodness and wisdom has calmed and soothed many a heavy heart. Your description of the last days mirror what I have had in mind. Dan does not want to go to hospice and tells me he will die in his own bed. He is at the hospital, as I write, getting blood and platelets. He still refuses to stop all treatment since he has a 60th birthday in a few weeks and wants a party. God love such courageous people. His other arm broke yesterday so now he has two arms that are almost useless. He doesn’t complain and seems to grow more beautiful in his suffering. I remember thinking that of your dear husband. I was fascinated by his face and the story it told of love and strength. I will keep you posted but I do not want to add any burdens on you. I think you are marvellous! I am grateful that you reached out across the miles and I humbly thank you for your honesty and compassion. Yours, Susan.

18 August 2012.

Dear Susan, You would never be a burden dear lady. I just wish with all my heart that you did not have to go through this dreadful time but such is life for all of us at sometime. My positive thoughts and all prayers will continue for you and for Dan, throughout the coming days for all strength and courage. As my last poem says ” Give me your hand that I may walk with you” Many hugs across the miles Susie x

29 August 2012

Dear Susan,

Just to let you know I am thinking of you every day and that you and Dan are in my daily prayers. I am hoping beyond sense to believe that Dan has rallied and I shall continue to wish with all my heart this is so and that Dan has a wonderful 60th Birthday. How are you? I know you will have not a minute to yourself but I am sure your daughters and family will be close-by to support you.

Keep strong Susan – this is yours and Dan’s time now. Sending lots of hugs and my very best wishes. xxxx

Susie.

 

Dear Friend Susie,

My daughter Catherine has called this a beautiful disaster. I find it an apt description for a situation that seems to bring with it a multitude of sacred and profane moments. Dan’s left arm is useless. Now the right arm is broken and there are a number of ribs that are cracked and causing great pain. When I tiptoed out of the bathroom, to quietly leave without waking him, he started singing “My Girl” in a voice ravaged by steroids but beautiful to me. How can one move from such highs and lows and keep oneself from spinning into a million broken pieces?

The house is full of flowers, cakes, food, and wondrous cards and messages that all pay tribute to a life well lived. When Daniel went to the Cancer Centre on Thurs, all the nurses and his oncologist threw him a surprise birthday party. Imagine an exam room filled with balloons, streamers, a gorgeous homemade cake and all his caretakers. The” beauty of this disaster” keeps reminding me that we only have this moment.

The girls and I spend endless hours on the bed talking to him about what he considers his life’s principles. Why have you always found it so easy to take the high road we ask? How do you manage to keep your equilibrium in situations fraught with pot holes? What principles do you think have been your guiding truths in your professional and personal life? And on and on and on. For I fear not asking the question that will become so important to me later in not having his answer. It is totally irrational, I know, but I have no excuse for the musings of an unsettled mind. My brother flies in today to spend time with all of us. And Dan’s siblings will be here in a few weeks. They will no doubt live their North Dakota childhood once more with endless stories and great hilarity. The goodness of people is humbling. This morning Dan told me he now has set his sights on being here for Christmas. From his lips to God’s ears I silently say as I kiss his cheek. And I face this day knowing that people do care so much. Someday Susie I will personally embrace you and tell you what a difference you have made. Yours in light and love, Susan.

 

5th September 2012

Dear Susan
I have been thinking of you and Dan this morning as I mowed the grass at the rear of my small home here in England. It is such a beautiful late summer day. So green everywhere with a stunning blue sky. A day that makes you think that all is well in the world and of course it isn’t!
Your last email lifted my heart in so many ways with all it contained. Catherine’s ‘beautiful disaster’ is so profoundly true. We speak and see things during these sad times with such clarity because our minds and hearts yearn to securely store everything to memory. We need to know the very essence of our dear-ones, what made them the strong men we found so attractive all those years ago and how have they managed to endure with such grace all that has befallen them since. We ask all and everything as we should, there seems to be special times for that somehow. God makes space in our busy schedules – odd moments of such joy, amidst the suffering and the sorrow. These precious days of parting and of love do continue in your mind of course but maybe during a quiet moment perhaps before you sleep Susan, you may like to jot down some short sentences, just an outline or a clue to jog your memory of all these ‘beautiful disaster days’ precious moments that you will wish to recall with your daughters at a later date. You will be busy now, rushing here and there with lots of visitors, cooking and caring with Dan’s family and your friends visiting, that things sometimes erase from our minds and you find yourself saying “and what did we talk about then?”
I must admit I wept a few tears when I read about Dan singing “My Girl” and hummed it for the rest of the day. How perfectly beautiful was that! Just a delicious memory to carry with you for always.
Stay strong and well dear lady. I send all positive thoughts and my prayers your way.
Susie

 

Friday, September 07, 2012

Dan died early this morning. My prayers and thoughts go to dear Susan and all their family. May he rest in peace Amen.
17th October 2012.
Dear Friend Susie,
Dan is finally free from mind numbing pain, years of treatment, hospitals, cancer centers, transplants, specialists, death sentences, hopes raised and dashed, worries about health insurance and sadness about leaving a family he adored. I have you to thank for helping me be my best self at his leaving. I had your words to ground me on the last day of his life. I was not afraid, as I feared I would be, and Julia and I were able to be with him as he labored to be released from the bonds of an earthly body. I prayed the Rosary at his bedside for I have always found comfort in Mother Mary. Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. As Dan is a practitioner of an Eastern Religion and a meditation teacher, I whispered his favorite Sanskrit chant is his ear. Julia and I kept our hands on his heart center. He looked to me to be concentrating. When he breathed his last breath, we bid him farewell and thanked him for being such a wise and wonderful husband and father. It has been ten days since his death and I just sent my beautiful Catherine on a plane back to NYC. Now the real work begins. We have had a houseful of people for these many days, many tears, great gulps of laughter, tall tales told, family, friends, and wonderful memories. I so want to tell you about the funeral ceremony but I have decided that is for a time in the future when we can share a cup of tea and stories of the best men we knew. The house is deafening in its silence. But I have a picture in my minds eye of a lovely woman in the English countryside mowing the back lawn on a summers day and realizing that all is well. Thank you for your compassion and constancy. Yours, Susan
19th September 2012
 Dear Susan
How difficult the days must be for you , even though you must feel greatly relieved that Dan is now at peace. I wept at your last email knowing already and understanding your pain so well and how you must be feeling now. This place that remains a hollow in your heart that nothing can fill, is I believe, a way of sustaining that connection to your precious one. This quiet abiding feeling Susan is to be valued in a way, at least that is what I truly believe even now. It was, and is a private connection to your loved one, it still arrives without warning these days, although in the early weeks and months it never left me. You must be feeling all this hollowness now and nothing I can say to you, will help you with this wretched grief, it is so personal to you and to each of us. But it does as they say get better, you begin to walk alongside the pain, not like the early days ‘within it’
Be patient with yourself dear lady and let these feelings of sadness dwell within you, it is all part of the grieving process. I believe that you don’t need to tackle the emptiness at any time now and not even in the future, just be kind and good to yourself and just when you doubt your capacity to recover however long it takes – for it is different for us all – ultimately healing will arrive.
In the coming days you will experience all manner of feelings, you will be most vulnerable, cry at odd moments, yearn with a passion to see, talk, be with and smell your man once more. You will feel aftershock, numbness, denial, depression and confusion, some bitterness and much regret. All is normal, all is to be experienced, all is to be endured after loss.
You will have all of these engulfing emotions before you can manage with life once more. So many of your friends and all your family want to share the hurt in your heart, all our MM Internet world feel your sadness. So many wish to lead you to new hope and peace and so many are grieving along with you at your loss. But ultimately it is your journey, a journey now to find a renewed sense of purpose and joy to your life. And when you are ready and only then, will you lovingly let go.
As the weeks go by you will find that you can go for an hour or a day without the painful reminders of absence and emptiness but if I am to be as always truthful as I vowed to be when I started this blog, even now at almost two years on, I still feel such intense loss occasionally but have learnt to deal cleverly with my pain. I focus within for a while – take myself to a quiet place and allow my feelings of love to surface. Life will not ever be the same it will be different but we were lucky to have know such love – and many never do.
Celebrate your loved one with you own memories and the memories others will share with you, this continuous celebration of dear Dan’s life will keep your loved one with you and part of you. I know your daughters will want you to talk about their Father, it maybe hard now but later they will desire for the words to flow and they will, recalling better happy joyous times
Be open to rebirth for it will find you Susan, embrace this time for grieving as painful as it. For it is without doubt the most sacred and human thing you will ever have to do.
I send my very best wishes for your recovery and you will remain in my prayers always.
Yours Sincerely Susie.

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