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A Power Within

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A Passing of Time.

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On December 13, 2023

In Articles., Friends, Lincolnshire, Memories, Travel, Uncategorized

A passing of time… today I gave up my beautiful car and driving!!! Such a huge change after being on the road for almost 60 years!!!! All those years, all those miles. All those wonderful places…

I loved driving and always thought I was rather good at it, having completed all those years without even a bump! I supposed I must have been.

Driving at times with great stress placed upon me. A child needing to reach the hospital quickly, a husband unconscious in the passenger seat!! Chasing a coach to the next stop, when my dear Dad had made a mistake on times when going on holiday with a friend – we made it.  Just  a few of the memories of brake-neck speed. I am proud that i was always very alert, with that quick clear thinking that is SO needed when on the roads or the odd desert track…

I have loved every single minute of it, with the music playing and a youngster in the back learning the words to some great songs and singing along with me. The delights of those days. Oh that passing of time…

I still have a few years on my licence with no medical recommendations, although I have not driven at night for sometime, but feel the time to retire from driving is now. I want to end with a good record and never be a danger to others.

I now have two very good apps for taxis on my phone, a good free bus service into Lincoln and elsewhere but oh! for the early days of speeding down the the M40 into London and the trek of the A1 and traversing the odd roundabout in Cairo and of course the then desert roads of Dubai to AlAin, Abu Dhabi and further afield. Someone kept me safe during those times?? I did love speed!!! Only being booked twice!

Some very hairy times driving through the desert in fierce storms (remember Jenny) only those that have done it will know how difficult it can be, especially in the early days, missing the free roaming camels was a skill. 

I will miss the wind in my hair, the open road of youth and the smell of a new car but most of all I will miss driving, you were my friend…

 

And Suddenly – Covid.

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On March 19, 2020

In Articles., Health Issues, In Death, Poetry, Travel

The world turned on its head today,
It collided, stumbled stuttered and fell.
the bustling regular ordinary days
the ones we love the best, changed,
slowly at first but then, with a great rush of fear.


The world turned on its axis, it shuddered,

And all at once fearful for the life of our world to come,
we halted and stalled.
Those approaching the Autumn of their days
must stay contained, the hardy stalwarts must
not rock this boat  or it might capsize, might go under…

 

The young executives our money makers,
our decision makers, now confined to home offices,
sitting in underpants,
as trains and city centres empty
draining like blood from worried faces…
The world turned on its axis today…

 

The call to prayer, voices thinned, as announcements
came of closures of Mosques,
the suspension of Mass starting to curb the spread of Covid-19.
The world turned on its axle today….
Theme parks stilled, theatres, cinemas, halted in prose,
visas suspended as the world turned on
It’s axis today…


Death is not the only common fear, science is the only common hope.

Humanity is our only common thread.
The world turned on its axis today…
Susie Hemingway March 2020

 

What A Year This has Been !

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On December 31, 2017

In Articles., Memories, Open Letters, Places To Visit, Uncategorized

What a Year This Has Been!

As the closing of 2017 is upon us I look back over this very exciting and special year. The year when I reach the fabulous age of seventy, I can hardly believe that I have made it to this senior age!
When I was young seventy was considered really old and I look back on my Aunts and Uncles at this age as rather old and creaky and most of them suffering with some sort of aches and pains. I am delighted to report I don’t feel this way at all. I am so lucky not to have joints that creak and yes I know there are tons more laughter lines on my face but each one tells a marvellous story and so I am proud to wear them as the older lady I have become. Lucky also, to have found a sort of magical contentment, no worries and a newer found patience which I am truly enjoying. It seems that nothing except losing a loved one, could faze me ever again. Nothing is so final as losing those you love, nothing else comes close or really matters and everything else can be put right. So as I approach 2018 I am truly content and my heart tranquil.

2017 has been so memorable for many reasons, starting with major excitement for me in April, with a trip back to the UAE Oasis City of Al Ain, for a desert reunion and to catch-up with so many friends made during my time there in the eighties and early nineties. I travelled with my youngest son Jo who was also making the trip, he wanted to recall the years he spent growing up in this beautiful place, to remember again where his papa worked. Although now a sprawling City it is still full of that old magical charm we embraced and loved.

The reunion so very well planned, including something special every night, different venues at selected Hotels, some new hotels but many old favourites but the most magical night for me and the most memorable was atop the “Jebel Hafeet” dining under the stars after watching the most magnificent sunset over-looking the now sprawling city and it’s thousands of twinkling lights 4,098 ft below. An evening after the hot day, when the welcome ‘Kamseen’ made its perfect attendance on our faces and through our hair. We chatted onwards into the night, there were many of us and lots to catch-up on. I read a poem in the lowering dusk, one written a time ago about this beautiful mountain range, nothing much had change except there was now a luxury hotel built on top of the mountain, it was delightful as the sky filled with millions of stars and we recalled those oh so special halcyon days of the eighties…A lovely memorable evening in the desert we love so much. And so on to June…

 

Then I was so lucky to enjoy in June a most perfect and entirely enchanting holiday in Crete with my dearest friend. Pure luxury in an idyllic beautifully designed modern hotel set in a perfect bay in Chania. We swam everyday, walked the old harbour and surrounds and ate some delicious meals often under the stars. We were able to visit old friends too in their villa up in the mountains. The weather was idyllic, beautifully hot but not the heat of the desert just entirely fabulous. Memories of perfumed jacuzzis and time under the stars. What lovely joyous memories I have of this perfect time!

In the middle of 2017 I did a lot of work on the garden and also mid-year I had the old decking removed and a gravel area laid, it’s tidied up this part of the garden well and I am pleased with the neatness of this new terrace area. More changes are planned for 2018…watch this space…

Then coming forward to November and my VERY fabulous weekend celebrations for my grand 70th Birthday . We ‘took over’ the very enchanting “Woodhall Spa Manor Hotel” for the weekend. Some of us stayed there and some in hotels and guest houses locally to Woodhall Spa. We were lucky with the weather, bright and a late autumnal feel but we still had the roaring log fire in the grand hall and admired the yellows and golds of the magnificent trees which looked their best when sunlit.


On the Friday night we had a formal dinner for twenty two, cooked so beautifully by the two chefs from London,  engaged by Son Jo who so cleverly and amazingly arranged the whole magnificent wonder filled weekend. The meal was totally delicious, the wine absolutely perfect Mouton Cadet – Rothschild, which is now my all time favourite, we drank nine bottles! The ambience of the pretty long stemmed pink and cream rose-strewed table, every one looking glamorous, everything perfect…A wonderful evening…

We retired after the delicious meal to the lounge bar where more guests arrived for evening drinks. An evening spent catching up, lots of fizz, lots of chat, lots of love…I could have sat there all night…

On the Saturday we enjoyed a superb breakfast cooked by our lovely chefs then went for a group walk in the sunshine to “The Broadway” on return we stopped for hot chocolate and coffees at “The Tea House in the Woods” we wanted to show this old early 1900’s Tea house to our dear friends who had come all the way for this super birthday celebration from Kentucky  USA. They loved it all and we loved it that they had come all that way to join us for this very special occasion.❤️

Later our marvellous Chefs served a most delicious Afternoon Tea for us  in the Golfers Bar, all manner of dainty sandwiches, quail eggs, with truffle, chocolate and orange cake, fruit loaf and scones with raspberry conserve and clotted cream. Completely yummy!
We all took a rest and prepared ourselves for the huge, fifty+ evening disco party where many more friends joined us for dancing, canapés and an abundance of champagne and fizz amongst other favourite drinks. It was a superb, magnificent celebration of my seventy years in this beautiful world. I am so humbled and grateful for all the love shown over this weekend, so many treats, even a most spectacular birthday cake…how very lucky i am!

Looking back now as this year of 2017 ends, I feel so very fortunate to have such lovely friends and a great family, to be able to enjoy good health, of not feeling anything like seventy whatever that is supposed to feel like! I am privileged to have good friends who have helped me overcome great sadness in the past and entirely grateful to have found much joy again. ❤️

May 2018 bring to you all, everything your heart truly desires. Try to listen carefully to other people in your life, for along the way you may miss important needs of those close to you. Take time to spend looking ‘outward’ and not with your head always buried in laptops, phones or iPads ( a big sin for me sometimes) Still what a joy they are for keeping up with old friends when you cannot see them as much as you would wish, for seeing friends who live far away, so great too for those that live alone, saves keep talking to the wall!

I suppose as a senior lady I am allowed to air my thoughts a bit on looking forward in life and may I recommend to be kind and gentle always, even If at times your kindness seems misconstrued by others. Stick with it and keep smiling. Find your courage too, to be able to stand-up when you believe something is wrong or not understood, say what needs to be said, do not accept anything less than the best for yourself, never allow yourself to be disrespected especially when you do not or have never show disrespect to anyone. Tell those that hurt you they have done so, if they are of any importance to your heart!  Try never to malign or criticise other, how do you know how life is treating them or how hard it may be to ‘walk in their shoes’. Value yourself at every age. ❤️ Look after yourself but give time to those you love, don’t always appear too busy for their needs, for those that don’t, will find themselves alone one day and will wonder why.❤️

Read a book, any book but try to find one that absorbs you totally, one you can’t wait to read the next chapter and listen to more music, the kind that stirs your heart, no matter what that is. Dance and love… love and dance and love some more…Always my favourite pastimes…

A Happy Joyous Peaceful and Kind  2018 is wished for you all.❤️

 

“The Way To Affirmation” by Susie Hemingway.

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On September 8, 2014

In Articles., Books, In Death, Multiple myeloma

 

 It was thrilling to be a small part of this newly published book by Michael Vocino (former Dean of Libraries at the University of Rhode Island) and Alfred G. Killilea (Teacher of Political Theory at The University of Rhode Island) Shown here is an extract from my article “The Way To Affirmation” I recommend this nicely put together book “Befriending Death”, for further understanding  of human mortality: Now available from Amazon.

 

“The Way To Affirmation”

Married to my only love for almost thirty years and after a bravely fought battle to survive, Hamada lost his fight for life in November 2010. After a few months of grieving and resting my body and mind, for caregivers are exhausted after much time and many years in some cases, spent caring and nursing.    We do for others what we might never dream of doing for ourselves and the struggle was hard, as this good man had the strongest will to live!  We bravely go beyond barriers unknown to us. We fight battles, challenge medical authorities to negotiate the best care possible. Hamada fought every step of the way to continue to stay with us, accepting every treatment available, as many do. After his death I recalled the wise words of this clever man, these words spoken during his illness and a lot towards the end, requesting that I continue to live my life well and with joy. Difficult yes! But affirming life in the face of death is just that, the most difficult and painful road in the highway of life. How easy it would be to succumb and hide away with my grief as I know many choose to do. I so wanted that at times, feeling that I had nothing more to live for, but the dawn rises every day when all else is lost and for me it would have been a dishonour to this amazing man who fought through every treatment to survive. Affirmation!  Yes a serious and solemn declaration of affection for the essence of this good man.

I decided as my body returned to life once more, that I would honour my husband’s memory and go forth with joy and a smile on my face and live the life he so wanted to do.

Embracing the years I have left in the best way I can, will be my affirmation. Watching and absorbing all that he can no longer see or do. Knowing and learning more about this world we live in and accepting my life now with the joy he taught me when we were together.  No it will never be the same, but it will be the best I can do without him.  It will be mastered in his honour.

First before affirmation, comes the shock, the numbness, denial, depression, fear and then acceptance. Only when you accept and only then, can you affirm life in the aftermath of death. Hamada loved to have fun and so shall I.  The smile on my face will be the affirmation of my life lived with him; all we achieved together, all he taught me about living and what a waste if I do not make the most of these remaining years in the best way I can. Affirmation of a life lived well in his loving memory.

“Simple Words For Loss”

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On October 23, 2013

In Articles., Carers Support, In Death, Love Quotations, Uncategorized

 

Having recently been reading the blogs of several of my widowed friends who lost their husbands about the time of the loss of my dear Hamada and their continued surprise that after three years or more, they are still feeling so much pain.  My heart goes out to them daily and I understand their dismay at not being able to ‘move on’. Grief is so different from person to person, just as days are different for us all.  Days that are filled with fun and busyness  with not much time for reflection are good when you are grieving but they do not happen everyday and are so much more preferable to the days of quiet thoughtfulness. Why do we need I ask, to concern ourselves so much with ‘moving on?’   Yes, we have a duty to show a good cheerful face to the world and to our families and friends. For who wants to spend time with a sad-sack who is constantly looking backwards, casts a shadow on every occasion and not really much fun to be with?

We must try at least to continue well and be supportive friends and a nice person without sadness to be with. But privately you cannot always ‘swallow your grief ‘ and why should you? It is so intrinsically bound up with who you are now and how you feel deep inside. It would be fool-hardy to deny these feelings when they emerge and engulf us.

These feelings of loss help me to continue well in my daily life and I must have these moments of deep quiet reflection and I use this time to pull the good memories and sometimes the not so good, out to ‘lay in front of me’ for a time, to clear my head and my heart of the loss I still feel.

I love to read books and sonnets of powerful overwhelming love that  has been lost. We are not the first or will we be the last to feel acute pain. I use favourite books  and quotes that bring comfort to me, that if I am completely honest make me understand the pain I often feel even three years further on. I miss my special man – will that ever change I doubt it and nothing will bring him back to me. But I refuse on occasions not  to acknowledge the deep pain of missing him on those quiet reflective days I talk about.

Occasionally I post quotes that mean a lot to me. Words that I would have loved to have written myself, words I believe, that sum up the way many of us who have lost our special person are feeling now. Words that many of you who read here, will understand well. I would like if I may to share them with you:

Grief is different, Grief has no distance. Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehension that weakens the knees and blinds the eyes and obliterate the dailiness  of life. – Joan Didion – The Year of Magical Thinking.

A single person is missing you and the whole world is empty – Philippe Aries – Western Attitudes Towards Death

To mourn is to be eaten alive with homesickness for the person – Olive Ann Burns, Cold sassy tree.

My wind is turned to bitter north that was so soft a south before… Arthur Hugh Clough – A Song of Autumn

People imagine that missing a loved one is kind of like missing cigarettes. The first day is really hard but the next day is less hard and so forth, easier and easier the longer you go on. But instead it’s like missing water. Every day you notice the person’s absence more - Anne Tyler, Back to when we were grown-ups.

A bird sings, but they have no song that I can hear – Beryl Markham – West with the Night.

Yes words of sadness they certainly are, but I believe helpful in the understanding of the grieving process that so many of us have difficulty in absorbing, often desire to wish away, and to think we should not be feeling now. But I believe profoundly that we have a private right to grieve, and should not wish this pain away – embrace it, for your heart will never heal if you deny it the time to do so.

Continue to feel your loss my friends without apologies and yes succumb to it on occasions – it is after all our biggest connection to those we loved and must never be under-estimated in the healing process.

Blessings and Peace my friends.

 

Magical October Memories.

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On October 16, 2013

In Articles., Places To Visit, Travel, Uncategorized

We returned to Marbella again my friends. And again I was lured by the seductive notes of bergamot, oranges and sunshine, charmed by the beauty of the panoramic mountain views, the dripping pink and white bougainvillea, the deep blue of the Mediterranean that matched the cloudless sky. High up in the Sierra de Ronda’s in magical Andalusia this hot October of 2013  was sublime.

As my readers here know, Marbella and Puerto Banus are favourite places of mine, not I might add in the summer months when it is too crowded and these very pretty places change like a chameleon when the majority of its five million annual visitors arrive during the months of July and August.  I dislike crowds at any time, so prefer to visit in October and if lucky to have as we did the most agreeable weather,  then it becomes a perfect paradise.

Our luxury modern apartment sitting high above the world or so it seemed to me afforded us a magnificent view from the large terrace as far as our eyes could see, looking forward to the Mediterranean Sea  and down on landscaped gardens of topiary and vivid green lawns across the deep verdant valley of exotic trees and to the side a  mountain range with added injections of huge white and terracotta villas scattered across the hills which could if allowed, take your breath away!

Each day on the large terrace we would enjoy our breakfast of delicious fruits, croissants, cheeses and rich olives, sometimes a gentle omelette and always good strong coffee whilst breathing in this sweet smelling air and admiring this fabulous view.

We would sit out in the warm evening air with only the glow from candles to light us and after a very good dinner either in Marbella or Puerto Banus or sometimes cooked up high in our own special heavenly world  and with our delicious wine we would settle to watch the stars and the fast moving satellites well into the night. What could be better than that I ask?

                                                                        Caesar Salad with Avocadoes.

Marbella if literally translated would mean beautiful sea and it is just that. These days, the city is internationally known for its jet-set ambience and superb variety of activities offered to visiting tourists. Perhaps my love for Marbella  has arrived from its valuable richness in the Arab culture. It draws me in, is charming, seductive and the town and green parks are supremely attractive. Now fast becoming our favourite place and visited every year is the wonderful seaside Grand Café which is known as Cappuccino.

Situated on the Calle de Jose Melia at the base of the fabulous luxury “Hotel Gran Melia Don Pepe” The enchanting  Cappuccino is set amongst lush green pine and palm trees, this for me is the place to take time to absorbed the ambiance and the aroma that is perfectly Marbella. To sit quietly with friends or in jovial fun to ‘drink-in’ the warmth of the sun, the beautiful surroundings with its mixture of classic beauty and its own vibes of Latin rhythms, soft jazz and bossanova sounds that make this the place of relaxation that it truly is.  With its lively selection of cocktails, superb coffees, delicate teas, delicious cakes and pastries and a marvellous selection of  outstanding lunches and dinners. It is an outstanding place of relaxation. Where else is the service so fine, so attentive, where else could you sit in comfortable reverie better than this, enjoying your own Marbella.

Then of course no trip to Marbella could be complete without a visit to Puerto Jose Banus, now more commonly known as Puerto Banus. It is situated southwest of Marbella and has since the days of the 1970’s become one of the largest entertainment centres in the Costa del Sol, so very popular with international celebrities, the rich and famous, royalty and just you and I.

Developed around this once tiny fishing village, Puerto Banus now contains expensive shopping malls, restaurants, bars set around the beautiful Marina where the mega wealthy own large seafaring yachts of magnificence  The scene at most times of the day but especially at night, of many exotic cars; Ferrari’s, Lamborghinis and the latest Mercedes are common place,  viewed with great interest and driven with much pride and sometimes much arrogance! It is a people watching paradise and if like me you love to do this – it is second to none. It is fun to stroll either in the morning when it takes on a fresh clean feel as the front of the designer shops receive their daily wash and brush-up and the views back to the Sierras are sublime from the Harbour House. Perhaps later in the evening make your selection from the many good restaurants along the boardwalk, to sit and digest this ambience which still holds much charm especially  out of season if the weather is as good as we have enjoyed this October then it can’t be bettered.

A short drive away and not to be missed even if you are usually a beach lover is the amazing little town of Casarabonela now commonly known as Casara – it is still part of the municipality of Malaga and is situated 48km from the capital of Malaga so quite nearby to visit when in Marbella. It has a population of approximately 2,500 residents which seems impossible to me but not I suppose when you think of all the tiny alleyways and steps up and down that lead to these tiny homes.  The name derives from the Arabicقصر بنيرة – QaSr Bunayra – The Alcazar or Palace of Bonera.

The scenery is picturesque, so take your time on the drive. Suddenly you turn a bend in the road and are treated to a spectacular view of this tiny village with its medieval fortress. This tiny village set like sugar cubes piled high precariously gripping the mountain side is a picture postcard village. Many white villages in Spain are beautiful for sure but the view when sighting Casara is spectacular causing the visitor to simply stare and the wish to walk its tiny lanes. We found it had a rather strange feel- shall we say watchful residents, perhaps something was going-on the day we visited but never-the-less it is well worth a look-see and I would like to return again to study this pretty little village even more.

No holiday to Marbella would be complete without a stroll around old Marbella, I have spoken of my love for this place in a previous post but just to repeat once again that this magical place still delights me so and is simply a must-do.

 With my youngest son Yousef.

We rambled and searched out the quaint little shops of lace, having such fun in one tiny shop when it appeared that the only changing room was the pulling together and fixing with a pin to make a privacy curtain, of just two hanging dresses at the main door!

We rooted out the antique costume jewellery, we wandered the tiny white lanes of tapas bars and street cafes, stopped to view the enticing courtyards beyond the old doors of tiny spotless white houses. No hurry here as we admired the churches and the architecture, no hurry Old Marbella is after all, to be relished.

As usual it was a splendid holiday but do things become more poignant  when your are older? I believe they do. I drink-in the views, absorb the culture of old Marbella, breathe-in the jasmine and sweet eucalyptus  filled air and consume the many memories that for me are sun related; I am alive and  very comfortable with the warmth of the sun, a feathery touch on my back, bringing a glow to my heart. Swimming in the twinkly infinity pool made diamonds of joy pour forth. The company was fabulous and our laughter echoed daily across the Sierras.  A perfect holiday…yes.  And it was much more besides.

The Beauty That Belongs To Scotland.

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On October 1, 2013

In Articles., Places To Visit, Travel, Uncategorized

In September I took a little trip to the highlands of Scotland. Having never travelled so far north west before this was something excitingly new for me. Making a round journey of approximately 950 miles over four days was a busy scenic filled time.  It is surprising how much you can pack into a few well chosen days with good planning and an excellent driver. Leaving Lincolnshire in the very early hours of the morning was obligatory to cover a large part of the miles before the roads became busy and the world awakens, strange for me at a time when I am usually just falling asleep but exciting just the same.

A little stop on the way for some walking and climbing at Thirlmere in the Lake District broke the journey well and then onwards towards Scotland by passing Carlisle and with a little diversion to Gretna Green for a visit to the Famous Old Blacksmiths Shop, the very place of high emotion’s felt by the countless thousands who have rushed to Gretna Green, some as young as twelve for girls and fourteen for boys starting as early as the 17th Century. Young lovers dashing in the dead of night with frenzied horsemen in hot pursuit passed my mind. This place of all those romantic novels, all those stories of ‘love’  in haste, rushing to be joined together in matrimony. Gretna Green has changed now of course with up-market places to stay, restaurants, shops and even a maze! Taking away in my opinion the romantic feel that had so drawn folk to this place for all those many years. Still as I stood there, it was good to try to recall how many had travelled to be married in this unique place. And I was glad to have seen it.

Onwards on this marvellous journey passing  the town of  Lockerbie and quietly remembering the tragedy and devastation that was the Pan Am Flight 103 of 21st December 1988 but let’s not talk of that now. So on to Beattock Nr the Town of Moffett for the first over-night stop, a super country house so perfectly set amongst tall trees at the end of a very long single-track drive, high above Beattock. Just the perfect place to unwind for a short time. The lovely home of Sally and her sweet Collie dog Meg who welcomed us like old friends. The tall high ceilinged rooms with  spacious bedrooms and bathrooms made this quite the perfect house and the huge wonderful Scottish breakfast in the lovely sun-lit drawing room the next morning completed the start of this good trip.

Destination today was  Fort William in the Western Highlands. Fort William is the largest town in the Highlands and situated at the southern end of the Great Glen. It lies in the shadow of Ben Nevis. Fort William is a fine location to use as a base to discover the Western Highlands. The scenic Edinburgh route was chosen, so up to Stirling, onwards via Loch Lomond, passing outstanding views along the way, through Lochearnhead, Crianlarich and across the Bridge of Orchy and on to Glencoe. Glencoe is probably Scotland’s most famous and most scenic Glen and rightly so. The sheer scale and grandeur of the surrounding mountains is totally awe inspiring and Glencoe being Scotland’s oldest Ski Centre has a great reputation as a venue for the more experienced skier, it was established in 1956.

Thoughts came to mind of Glencoe’s turbulent past. As early in the morning of the 13 February 1692 in the aftermath of the Glorious Revolution and the Jacobite uprising of 1689, a massacre took place in Glencoe. You can imagine it all as you raise your eyes to the crags and epic mountains surrounding this special place. Visitors from all over the world flock here to appreciate this majestic place.

I spent the whole time while travelling gazing in awe at the mountains on either side of me and at the changing scenery and the shadows, casting light and darkness at every bend in the road. Having never travelled to the Highlands before this was a totally new experience for me and it filled my heart with its power and darkly rich colours, as my eyes drunk-in amazing scenes before me.

And so it was. as stopping for the second night at a super guest house facing the spectacular blue views of Loch Linnhe on the outskirts of Fort William, I stood and breathed in the sharp crisp air of the Western Highlands. Then time for stretching legs, a good shower then off to look for something nice for supper. For tomorrow was to be a most exciting day with the long awaited 84 mile journey on the stupendous magical steam train  “The Jacobite” (Hogworts of the Harry Potter Fame)

Described as one of the great railway journeys of the world The Jacobite Steam train takes you past a list of very impressive extremes. It starts with much excitement as passengers take their seats after admiring the black steely beast.

Starting near the highest mountain in Britain Ben Nevis, which stands hugely proud against a bold backdrop, excitement mounts as the train builds steam and soon you are passing the most westerly mainland railway station, Arisaig; then to pass close- by to the deepest freshwater loch in Britain, Loch Morar and then on to the shortest river River Morar, finally arriving alongside the deepest seawater loch in Europe, Loch Nevis. The train stops on route at the village of Glenfinnan before passing over the iconic Glenfinnan Viaduct – now is the time for the best photo you can muster as the train almost turns on itself above this marvellous feat of engineering!

Beyond Glenfinnan are the so very beautiful villages of Lochailort, Morar and then the small quaint fishing village and final stop the village of Mallaig. From hear on a clear crystal day you can see the “Small Isles” of Rum, Eigg, Muck, Canna and the southern tip of Skye. The train passes Mora and the silvery beaches used in the films “Highlander” and “Local Hero”.

The sun shone all the way, the scenery was as beautiful as I have ever seen in all of my life and my heart soared at the delight of it all. The fishing village and small port of Mallaig was so picture perfect, the small houses resting gently on the side of the hills perched above the quay, the colours of the small boats and the huge fat well fed seagulls with their cries of anguish content completed the scene. Time for a warming coffee before the return journey, a stroll and for picture taking, no rush; for I believe no one rushes here. I visited St Patrick’s RC Church for Fishermen just at the base of the village which was open and unafraid of crime, something most unusual these days. It was peaceful, it was pretty there at Mallaig.

 

An exciting journey back with bustle and happy folk capturing their last photos of this special trip, drinking-in the last of the spectacular views and soon we arrived at Fort William, my head and heart filled with visions of this enchanting part of our lovely Island. This was a special trip of light and love, how lucky I am…

Sometimes All It Takes.

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On December 4, 2011

In Articles., Carers Support, Christmas poem, Health Issues, In Death, Love poems, Multiple myeloma, Poetry, Uncategorized

December 2009 011

This week I received two very lovely comments regarding my poems, both in the same vein informing me how much folk enjoy them and how they helped them when grieving or in pain. Yes of course I receive daily comments, it would be unusual if you wrote a blog and never heard from anyone but sometimes the wording of these comments propel you forward to keep trying to perfect the one perfect verse. I am supremely pleased when anyone leaves a comment, just to imagine someone  taking time from their busy schedule to bother to email me saying how much they enjoyed my words, a phrase, or a particular poem delights me. Sometimes they may refer to my words having helped or brought healing tears at a point in the lives when sadness was choking or blocking their emotions. That upon reading the simple phrases written here, they say it was enough to know someone understood their own pain and could perhaps share it with them. Being sad or worried is a lonely road and often one you cannot continually share with your personal friends or family. Grief affects us all at some time in our lives and to different degrees  but I yearn to understand how some of us survive while others do not.

Unless you have been or are a Carer, it is often difficult to understand the daily stress of following harsh schedules and the responsibilities for another person’s life. So often this comes upon you suddenly and it is difficult to absorb all that appears before you. If you have no nursing experience you are confronted with serious decisions to help your partner to make regarding the right path to take with medical matters plus the emotional side too; often with no outlet for your own feelings, which hover near the surface daily. My choice was to write down my daily feelings and in my simple words I found a voice that started privately but ended up world-wide! I will try to continue with my ‘poems of love’ after reading these two rather special comments this week asking me to do so.  Blessings and thanks dear friends.

On another little subject that seems to be most difficult at this time of the year for the newly bereaved is the putting- up of Christmas decorations. Often these have great sentimental memories attached to them and are often collected together over the years if you have been together for a long time. I have talked of this recently with dear friends on-line and through social networks. Folk who are struggling even to get a few pieces out of boxes for the festive season. Me too I’m afraid. Really I feel it depends whether you have grandchildren visiting or not. Last year when very newly bereaved I made a huge effort to do all the ‘normal things’ especially for my Grandson and family. I found it most difficult but he had lost his beloved Grandpa only the month before and I wanted all to be as it was in previous years when he visited. As if it could possibly be but I am sure you understand. I wanted him to think nothing else had changed too much. My feelings if you live alone now, that perhaps changing things a little can help. It’s painful when so much is going on around you, Christmas displays and festive music in all the shops makes it difficult to function without sadness as it is. So instead of having your normal decorations, perhaps having a small arrangement of twinkling branches maybe flowers instead of the tradition tree if that is what you used to share with your special person. Change things a little. Perhaps a decorated photo of your loved one with gorgeous scented candles that can be lit when the mood feels right for you, would be better for your heart.

When Hamada was very ill he would love to look at the Christmas lights even more than before when he was busy, he would watch as I decorated the tree with little suggestions here and there.  The following poem written in 2008 tells about that and is shown below. Have a joyous Christmas my dear friends with all your good memories, as precious as the love you will always have for your special person.

 

In Christmas Lights.

 

Sharp and crisp as snowy nights
crystal clear in prism lights,
gentle orbs that sparkle bright
shining are your eyes tonight.
Reflected jewels of liquid amber
like dripping rich fondant creams,
chocolate in the deepest hue,
I bow my head to look at you
 
Eyes that hold this strangeness well
in candlelight they watch and drink
forgotten words, much time to think.
A bitter pill that’s hard for you,
as fairy lights come into view,
white and gold’s, red and greens,
you simply watch in reverent scene,
reflections in those honest eyes
of baubles and of Christmas time.

 

In Christmas lights my poems for you
expressed in love, a poignant view…

 

All Rights Reserved: 2008

First Year Anniversary of Hamada’s Death.

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On November 22, 2011

In Articles., Carers Support, Health Issues, In Death, Love poems, Multiple myeloma, Poetry, Uncategorized

 

I felt it appropriate on this first anniversary to post again two poems written around this time last year. The first, the simple poem “This Rollercoaster Life” was written when I knew and needed to accept that there was no more that could be done for Hamada or rather that there was no more medical intervention that our dearest Hamada could possibly have managed or that he wanted done. Although we still kept hope alive really apart from the love and tender care I could possibly achieve during his final days, I knew I had to accept that this was the time to stop fighting to keep him with us and pass on my care to the Almighty.  The second poem was written shortly after losing  Hamada and deals with the acute and painful feelings of this time. Letting go with dignity is hard when all you want to do is scream aloud with the painful sadness you feel. I have made it through this first year with much help from my dear family, very close friends and my MM friends worldwide. I thank them from the bottom of my heart for their love and patience but mostly I chose to grieve in private, apart from a few rants on here or when hearing a favourite song or piece of music that we both loved, caught me unaware. I may place a smile on my face everyday but my heart tells a different story.This man was much to miss! 

Manu and Grandpa - Stickers 2007Manu and Grandpa in bed - laughing 2007

“Hamada’s story” is still and will remain on http://www.susiehemingway.blogspot.com  It is in reverse order for the new friends who I know come here from other sites to  read about MM, ending with his final days and covering more than four years. All aspects of emotion in the form of poems and many entries on caring and loving someone deeply as we both came to terms with the disease that is Multiple Myeloma.

Today and always I salute this special man: “I miss you dearest one as the sun comes up everyday and the moon appears at night, and as private as my tears fall, I miss you with every breath I take”

“This Rollercoaster Life” – 24 October 2010.

 

As swooping as the Rollercoaster
my heart hangs in fearful suspended news
that fills these ‘purple days’.
Days that bring shattered dreams,
only the strongest mind can hold.

 

My laughter becomes an echo that teeters on the edge
as I snap and break at disclosures strewn around.
My heart bleeds to dissolve this anger
which knows no bounds and as unruly as my mind.

 

Soaring high into this shimmering mosaic sky,
I hang on like a child that screams into the wind,
as these punishing swoops, turn into views as
fragile and as consuming as this Rollercoaster life.

 

All Rights Reserved:  October 2010.

 

“Let Me Not”  – 2 December 2010.

 

Let me not falter dear Lord.
Let me not fall at this final hurdle.
Guide me now to complete this task.
Let me not plaintively wail and scream as my heart doth now.
Allow me to show dignity that he always showed.
Let me not stand beneath the stars and scream his name aloud.
Let me remember this day, as we honour him.
Grant me the courage that he always showed.
Let me not go down on my bended knees and shout at the sky,
And implore you to return him to me.
Let me not fall at this final hurdle.
Give me the strength Oh Lord not to fail,
with this final task…

 

All Rights Reserved: November 2010

"Poetry is the opening and closing of a door,
leaving those who look through to guess about
what is seen during a moment" Carl Sandburg

God Bless Hamada.

“I recall this time”- Carers Support Article.

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On September 20, 2011

In Articles., Carers Support, Health Issues, In Death, Multiple myeloma, Uncategorized

Hamada

As this month embraces Autumn I recall the September of last year  and the wretched struggles of that time. I suppose in retrospect this backward view, this sorrowful indulgence, is something that those bereaved need to do. A kind of  summing up as you approach  the first anniversary without your special person. It is not maudlin or mawkishly sentimental, far from it. It is for me necessary for shall we say, the organization of the mind.

In the early months of loss, when so numb the years of caring seemed like a bad dream. I could not breathe without pain through the sorrow and  I would have turned back the pages of the book to have him back with me in an instant. Of course never to see again  the horrors of this disease or  the damage it inflicted on this gentle wise  man or for him to suffer on and on but just to hear his voice calling my name or to see his eyes light up when I entered his room.

I was not the only one amongst our friends to suffer loss that year. MM took many of our newly made friends in 2010.  Friends made at the hospital, diagnosed at the same time and internet friends made out of a need to follow together as Carers. We used our common knowledge, clung together in an effort to help, support and glean information fr0m each other when we could. We became a strong body and positive in our efforts to champion, protect and help.

For the first few months of MM although I clearly knew the facts but because of our strong love, I believed we could beat this disease and although I saw and knew well the terrible changes overcoming Hamada, I continued with hope until the end.It goes without saying that this period of my life, the immense shock at diagnosis, the daily struggles, doing my best to help was and has  been without doubt  the most difficult period of my life but we made it to the end with peace and dignity and you will too my dear friends, the many of you who are still fighting for your love ones. Obtaining the best care you can for them and guiding them daily, to achieve a good quality of life from this a most difficult disease and the saddest period of your life.

Together  with love and tenderness these days become supremely special and will stay eternally in your memory.  It’s really all we ever want is it not, to be loved and well cared for in our final hours.

As Hamada’s first anniversary approaches, I have decided not to write here again about his ‘journey’ unless asked for advice or information regarding caring with Multiple Myeloma. I hope to move on to other subjects  but I will of course follow my friends blogs, checking in on them from time to time to see how they are doing.

I think my dear one should be allowed to rest in peace now. My intentions are to take time to get on with the years left to me. To enjoy each God given day to the best of my ability and to embrace new joys that have presented themselves. It would after all be just what Hamada would have wanted.

*“There comes a time to remind yourself of your reasons for living. You have a future worth enduring and you deserve to find a renewed sense of purpose and pleasure in your life”

*From Grief Therapy by Karen Katafiasz.

A New Beginning.

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On May 24, 2011

In Articles., Carers Support, In Death, Multiple myeloma, Uncategorized

Susie's Trip to Espana May 2011 019

Taking little steps and turning the pages of a new life is often difficult. A life that will be so different for you without the one you love. As I knew long before Hamada died, that he would not survive MM. We discussed a plan that would help sustain me through this bereaved time. Taking a little holiday as soon as I felt well enough to do so was something Hamada in his wisdom had suggested. I have always wanted to travel more, there are so many places yet to see and certainly not so many years as there once was to do this in! I would make a gentle start with a small trip as part of my healing process. We never dwelled on him dying but often mentioned little things that I remember now that were  all said to help me. Now at his six month anniversary I have achieved my first trip away and how very lovely it was too.

I selected something easy and not far away, Denia in Spain.  A place I had first visited back in 1968. When as a young woman I had stayed as a guest in a beautiful villa “Mar-Jon” close to the base of Mount Montgo, the mountain that sits as a watchful eye over this pretty seaside town.

Susie's Holiday to Espana - May2011 007Susie's Holiday to Espana - May2011 060

Now of course packed to the gills with villas in every available space but still just as charming. I loved it then and always thought I would  return one day. Selecting a good hotel safe for single travellers with all the comforts of home was fun to do. Marvellous food, loads of good fish and delicious vegetables and desserts and with people my age and older, all looking for a genteel time, of course with fun and laughter but aimed at comfort and ease. It was delightful to listen to stirring new conversations and make new friends among the well travelled there. I was surprised to know that some had been returning to this part of Spain for many years, singles and couples all very happy with the clean and efficiently run hotel with its excellent bar and enjoyable evening music. An attractive place to unwind after a good dinner and a  day of walking and swimming.

 Susie's Holiday to Espana - May2011 026Susie's Holiday to Espana - May2011 048

Denia in Spain is still a lovely town retaining much of its authentic Spanish charm. The picturesque marina that I remembered as a small place back in the 60’s, is set beneath the pretty old Castle; it had stayed long in my memory. Now a fabulous place full of luxury yachts of opulence, marvellous paved walk-ways and wonderful cafes and tapas bars with upstairs terraces for fabulous views of the bay. I spent most of my days walking in the warm sunshine, admiring the sleek ‘sun seekers’ and the huge ‘gin palaces’ shining and pristine with gleaming chrome, their smooth lines of design resting gently upon the bright blue of the Mediterranean sea and so ready for the ocean.

Susie's Trip to Espana May 2011 028Susie's Trip to Espana May 2011 033

I stopped each morning for marvellous Americano coffees to take in the beautiful views, then walked some more in the warmth of the Mediterranean sunshine. My shoulders  relaxed as I drunk in the beautiful vistas and for the first time in many months not – and I know this sounds so selfish – having to worry about pushing a wheelchair or almost carrying my dear Hamada. I could have walked there forever with the gentle sun warming my soul.

Susie's Trip to Espana May 2011 021Susie's Trip to Espana May 2011 053

A weekly market in Denia was a bustling delight, reminding me in some ways of the colourful souks of the middle east I purchased from a grand selection, two rather nice sun-suits for further holidays. The sweet Spanish lady insisting I tried them on over my t-shirt!  Still she was right they fitted perfectly and would have still been cheap at twice the price. Bright and gaudy stalls covering a large area sold all manner of things and certainly worth time spent there. The level walk to the town centre along pretty streets with the red white and pink of the bougainvillea covering pretty courtyards in perfect weather was a delight.

Susie's Holiday to Espana - May2011 071Susie's Holiday to Espana - May2011 029

Slowly I could feel the stress and strains of the past five years release from my body. I thought of  Hamada often, as I embraced Denia and of my new life as a single person now. Enjoying this pretty mostly unspoilt town that has retained much of  its Spanish charm with many places to stop for a cooling drink or little tapas. I enjoyed the best deep fried calamari’s (squid) I have ever tasted!

Susie's Holiday to Espana - May2011 123Susie's Trip to Espana May 2011 001

Sitting under the vine leaves of a centre cafe complete with fountain and pretty shops to view. I thought back on the struggles of  many months past, knowing that I had done my best in everyway for my precious man and that he would have been so happy for me as I embraced a new life. There will be many sad times for me of that I am sure. For indeed he was my soul-mate but I am taking little steps and turning the pages slowly of this ‘new’ life…  I am a strong woman and I have “The Power Within” to survive  -Blessings  dear friends.

It Seems Forever and Yet… ( six months )

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On May 22, 2011

In Articles., Carers Support, In Death, Multiple myeloma, The Box of Secrets, Uncategorized

It seems forever since I looked into those eyes,  yet the memory of your face is as clear as the picture below. How can six months have past without you by my side? Sleep well beloved.

I see you in my dreams and know you dream of me,  just as you always promised – from the ‘box of secrets’

Sleep well beloved…

susiw and Hamada at Danies wedding

Six Months Anniversary.

Moving On With Open Eyes.

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On May 4, 2011

In Articles., Carers Support, Multiple myeloma, Uncategorized

Hamadas Photo 006

On the day of  Hamada’s Funeral my very dear Sister Sally – who is really a cousin but we call her sister because we all grew-up very closely together, and we love her so – presented me with this very beautiful framed photo of Hamada with a verse underneath. How wise she was at the time and although her so sad eyes showed her painful feelings for me and for the loss of  our dear Hamada, she knew I would take great comfort when reading this verse after everyone had left and when alone. 

During the past five months I have read this verse daily and as Sally  had rightly thought, it has brought much comfort to me and the wise words contain therein have indeed helped my heart to heal some.

As I embark on new ventures this week, with my first holiday alone since Hamada died. I feel it would be good to share these words with my other friends who read here and are also sadly bereaved.

Blessings to you all dear friends. I pray that each day will bring light and peace and many unexpected blessings, as you make your way with your love tucked safely in your heart, to continue with a different life. Here are the words that have helped me:

“You can shed tears that he has gone, or you can smile because he has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all that he’s left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him, or you can be full of  the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live for yesterday. You can remember him and only that he’s gone, or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, and be empty and turn your back, or you can do what he would want –

Smile, open your eyes , love and go on.”

I know Hamada would have wanted this – for me to smile, open my eyes, love and go on…

Extracts and Insights into Letters written during the month of January 2011.

By

On January 29, 2011

In Articles., Health Issues, Multiple myeloma, Open Letters, Uncategorized

And Even More Snow Feb 9 2009 010 

Dear John,

Monday 24 Jan.2011

Yes indeed we can John, we can do all manner of things if those things bring us comfort. Kissing the special bookmark is a tender act of remembrance as you think of your wife. We fought long and hard to help our partners and so the path we take to bring comfort is ours  to choose and ours alone to find. If  a little gesture brings some peace or comfort to us, then it’s a must.

I try to keep busy to get through the days although not so in the first few weeks. I have now started  this distraction therapy with a little work at “Hemingway”  Work that was long overdue, re-designing the kitchen bringing it more up-to-date. Planning in my mind little things to take care of during the next few weeks, I thought might help? I sincerely hope your days have not been too painful this week.

When tending a love one and making all decisions for their medical care, arranging  drug ordering, keeping the many hospital appointments and with all their personal needs to attend to. The very many things that are important to make their days comfortable.  Then all of a sudden when they are no longer here and all their daily needs stop, it is like losing a right arm. A huge chasm opens  up, a void you feel like jumping into. The awful emptiness that fills your mind and  time “what do I do now”.

So I have been trying to fill my days with little projects. Not terribly exciting plans but achieving something small everyday gives me a structure to focus on, a sense of purpose in a way. I talk to Hamada  often just like he is in the other room as I am sure you talk to your precious wife also. I still put on his favourite music forgetting he is no longer there to listen but hoping he can, am I mad?

I was cleaning the window of his bedroom from the outside, something I often did- in between the window cleaners coming-so he could always have a nice shiny perfectly clear view of the sky. As I was rubbing away at the glass  I could clearly see Hamada’s reflection in the glass! I looked and saw him propped up in his bed smiling at me.  So I bent forward and blew him a kiss then on seeing clearly that the room was empty, my heart filled with such pain again at the missing of him. Things like that upset your day, the desire to see your love one just one more time, or for me to hear his  beautiful voice often overwhelms.

So keeping busy for me is paramount but I’m still not up to large social ‘do’s’ I live in a tiny village, our community is close and there are often rather nice things to attend. Village Hall Dinners, Music evenings but I’m not ready for those yet. I scuttle and flurry about like some demented black bat with my private thoughts and memories at times frightened they might vanish. Silly really for if they did, so would I. Of course we shall survive not living the life we had imagined but we shall keep our memories safe and perhaps by talking about our grief we may give some hope to others.

I pray you have a peaceful week and manage to enjoy some good days.

All very best wishes for your continued peace.

Susie.x

 

Hi Anne,

Wednesday 26 Jan 2011.

Yes today was difficult just like you said it would be, the horrid two month anniversary. Can it really be this long? You said it would be this way and you are so much further down this difficult road with your loss than I. Eight weeks!  this longing to have him back seems as if it has been forever. The quietness now in the house after all the bustle and arrangements of funeral etc. I am sure it is harder in a way for us because we spent so much time with our partners. Far more than any ‘normal’ relationship. Caring takes all the hours in a day unless you are lucky to have some help. Even so, it is hard to leave your loved one and for most of us, we were hardly apart in the last few weeks at all. How close we became, almost breathing together in the end, watching and tending to their needs in those last precious moments together. Then the exhaustion that arrived when all was completed and all necessary paperwork attended to. I could not think of anything except my loss and the wishing he was with me here again.I found myself spending much time sleeping in the first few weeks, buried deep beneath mounds of duvet; the weather was freezing with snow that matched well my icy heart and body. I did not wish to wake from the place without pain but I would always manage to get up in the early hours, shower and dress. The first thought on waking was so painful and my whole body shook with grief and longing. I found it hard to get warm although the central heating is perfectly adequate. Being shivery is normal I believe and impossible to get warm I would creep back to bed at the first opportunity. All I longed for were hot baths and even hotter mugs of black tea and to be completely alone.Fancy those being the only things that could bring comfort during this time, I would clasp the mugs of tea as if they were a life line.

You have told me of your comforts, how different we all are but whatever works is the right path to take. As these days go by we will see a progress in taking a new direction with our lives and that in turn may give us some peace. Look forward to hearing from you again.

All fondest wishes and hope for your recovery.

Susie x

“Tell yourself how well you do. You may discover you’re doing better than you thought”

Permission granted as “open letters”  All Rights Reserved.

Sorrow Is Better Than Fear – A Carers View by Susie.

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On January 22, 2011

In Articles., Health Issues, Multiple myeloma, My Family, Uncategorized

 
“Sorrow is better than fear…
fear is a journey, a terrible journey,
but sorrow is at least an arriving.”

Alan Paton.

Looking back on the fifty- five months of  caring  for Hamada and although the sadness is an utterly desolate pit to try to escape from. I am inclined to agree with the words above. From the time of diagnosis although very hard to take onboard, my first and paramount thought was how can I make this time, this journey for Hamada the best it can be. Most  importantly especially at the end.

At times this consumed me but certainly not all the time. I was so busy fighting for the best treatment for him and learning all I could about the particular disease of Multiple Myeloma but often in the early hours of the morning when sleep was over and my mind was as sharp as it can be these days. I worried that perhaps the end would not be as I hoped for him.

I had talked to Hamada as the months went by about what he wanted most when the time came. We did not dwell on these morbid thoughts and often I denied positively that this time was not on the horizon, or in the next few months as was first thought. Often declaring  sincerely that he would probably outlive me.

I always gave Hamada great hope that this would not be for many years to come and certainly for a vast number  of MM sufferers this is now so. Hamada was a quietly wise man but he  had many complications that I knew were insurmountable and so I think did he.  We never gave way to hopelessness and only considered losing the battle on rare occasions. Never dwelling, just getting on with treatments and trying to make each day important  and special. With many goals to reach along the way.

I knew from these occasional discussions that he so wanted to be in our little home here in the country. He wanted to die looking at the sky in the comfort of his own bed, listening to his favourite songs and with me at his side. Thank goodness this was so.

So often as my family will testify, I worried(feared) that Hamada would be whisked away to hospital and not be where his heart desired to be ( hard one this). Very often by nature we panic when the time comes – wishing to help as much as possible to the end- never thinking that nothing more can be done, especially if it has been a long fight and many battles won.  A hard place to arrive at in the Carers mind but so incredibly important and must be found. The time to know when it is ok to stop.

 And so yes, sorrow although so hard is better than fear. For fear is a dreadful journey, I can attest to that.

23rd Jan 2011 – 2months since Hamada died.

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