As this month embraces Autumn I recall the September of last year and the wretched struggles of that time. I suppose in retrospect this backward view, this sorrowful indulgence, is something that those bereaved need to do. A kind of summing up as you approach the first anniversary without your special person. It is not maudlin or mawkishly sentimental, far from it. It is for me necessary for shall we say, the organization of the mind.
In the early months of loss, when so numb the years of caring seemed like a bad dream. I could not breathe without pain through the sorrow and I would have turned back the pages of the book to have him back with me in an instant. Of course never to see again the horrors of this disease or the damage it inflicted on this gentle wise man or for him to suffer on and on but just to hear his voice calling my name or to see his eyes light up when I entered his room.
I was not the only one amongst our friends to suffer loss that year. MM took many of our newly made friends in 2010. Friends made at the hospital, diagnosed at the same time and internet friends made out of a need to follow together as Carers. We used our common knowledge, clung together in an effort to help, support and glean information fr0m each other when we could. We became a strong body and positive in our efforts to champion, protect and help.
For the first few months of MM although I clearly knew the facts but because of our strong love, I believed we could beat this disease and although I saw and knew well the terrible changes overcoming Hamada, I continued with hope until the end.It goes without saying that this period of my life, the immense shock at diagnosis, the daily struggles, doing my best to help was and has been without doubt the most difficult period of my life but we made it to the end with peace and dignity and you will too my dear friends, the many of you who are still fighting for your love ones. Obtaining the best care you can for them and guiding them daily, to achieve a good quality of life from this a most difficult disease and the saddest period of your life.
Together with love and tenderness these days become supremely special and will stay eternally in your memory. It’s really all we ever want is it not, to be loved and well cared for in our final hours.
As Hamada’s first anniversary approaches, I have decided not to write here again about his ‘journey’ unless asked for advice or information regarding caring with Multiple Myeloma. I hope to move on to other subjects but I will of course follow my friends blogs, checking in on them from time to time to see how they are doing.
I think my dear one should be allowed to rest in peace now. My intentions are to take time to get on with the years left to me. To enjoy each God given day to the best of my ability and to embrace new joys that have presented themselves. It would after all be just what Hamada would have wanted.
*“There comes a time to remind yourself of your reasons for living. You have a future worth enduring and you deserve to find a renewed sense of purpose and pleasure in your lifeâ€
*From Grief Therapy by Karen Katafiasz.
