“Sorrow is better than fear…
fear is a journey, a terrible journey,
but sorrow is at least an arriving.â€
Alan Paton.
Looking back on the fifty- five months of caring for Hamada and although the sadness is an utterly desolate pit to try to escape from. I am inclined to agree with the words above. From the time of diagnosis although very hard to take onboard, my first and paramount thought was how can I make this time, this journey for Hamada the best it can be. Most importantly especially at the end.
At times this consumed me but certainly not all the time. I was so busy fighting for the best treatment for him and learning all I could about the particular disease of Multiple Myeloma but often in the early hours of the morning when sleep was over and my mind was as sharp as it can be these days. I worried that perhaps the end would not be as I hoped for him.
I had talked to Hamada as the months went by about what he wanted most when the time came. We did not dwell on these morbid thoughts and often I denied positively that this time was not on the horizon, or in the next few months as was first thought. Often declaring sincerely that he would probably outlive me.
I always gave Hamada great hope that this would not be for many years to come and certainly for a vast number of MM sufferers this is now so. Hamada was a quietly wise man but he had many complications that I knew were insurmountable and so I think did he. We never gave way to hopelessness and only considered losing the battle on rare occasions. Never dwelling, just getting on with treatments and trying to make each day important and special. With many goals to reach along the way.
I knew from these occasional discussions that he so wanted to be in our little home here in the country. He wanted to die looking at the sky in the comfort of his own bed, listening to his favourite songs and with me at his side. Thank goodness this was so.
So often as my family will testify, I worried(feared) that Hamada would be whisked away to hospital and not be where his heart desired to be ( hard one this). Very often by nature we panic when the time comes – wishing to help as much as possible to the end- never thinking that nothing more can be done, especially if it has been a long fight and many battles won. A hard place to arrive at in the Carers mind but so incredibly important and must be found. The time to know when it is ok to stop.
And so yes, sorrow although so hard is better than fear. For fear is a dreadful journey, I can attest to that.
23rd Jan 2011 – 2months since Hamada died.
