A Power Within

Tag: sadness and sorrow

Making Small Beginnings.

Xmas tree 2010 006 

Although my days are painful I am making small beginnings towards reshaping my life without my loved one. It is good for me to write once more and I have started in a small way. The snow is still heavy on our lanes and now with even more predicted the temperatures  are falling sharply once  more. It feels as if it has been a long Winter already, as my thoughts turn to my first Christmas in more than thirty years without my special one. Today I decorated the Christmas tree, it would have been so easy to ignore but with my family arriving at this special time, what would our dear Grandson think if there was no tree ?  Grandpa loved the twinkling lights and would always admire gracefully the work involved. I can see them both together, looking at all the little ornaments collected over the years. My heart ached for Hamada today as I completed this task.

I walked in the snow and laid a perfect cream rose on Hamada’s grave this week. I know I am still shocked and numb but accepting and peaceful that I did all that could possibly be done to ease and comfort him during these past years. The pattern of each persons grief is unique to them, mine has been shaped by the particular relationship we had. All that was ever needed to be said, was said.

And so:  I don’t really believe that you ever “get over” such a significant loss in your life, grieving is among the most sacred thing you will ever do. This quiet abiding feeling is I feel a connection to my precious loved one.  I don’t really ever wish to lose it, my memory of him and our time together will always be maintained as I embark on a different chapter of my life.

So I decorated the tree observing our tradition with a simple ceremony that eased my pain.I can see Hamada’s lovely smile and his delight at this years result. “Missing you Habibi”

“I wish all my readers far and wide a very Happy Holiday and much  joy and peace to you all”

A Snow Covered Village In December.

Hamada's flowers Dec 6th 2010

AS the snow lay heavily across this perfect land. Temperatures plummeted to an all time low. Lanes were covered thickly with snow and packed ice. Branches weighed heavily with icicles as though they wept their perfect tears along with our sorrow. Important paths were cleared by a team of willing men as brilliant sunshine played and danced on crystal ‘water-diamonds’ studded on pasture lands.

We stood on that first day to receive this special man. Tightly together, our breath pluming feather like, into the crisp harsh air. All his dear ones so close, each with their own special memories of  this much loved, dignified and courageous man.

The first evening brought many to pay respects, travelling the length of the UK  to this beautiful little place on Gods earth. Staying in guests cottages on farms and in nearby bed and breakfasts houses. Filling with love as they arrived, the empty space in my heart. Each bringing their quiet thoughts and memories along to ‘celebrate’ this good mans life.  We chatted and yes, we laughed into the evening , talking of fun times together just as if this beloved man was still sitting with us. We spoke of special dates, birthday, holidays, fun times at the beach, love filled that evening reception. The cosy warm rooms with food aplenty also warmed our hearts .

The day arrived for our final goodbyes.  Limousines were prepared, large shiny ‘ rooks of travel’  deliciously comfortable, mine  with a thoughtful small crystal glass of  brandy resting in holder to ward off the bitter cold. Nothing had been missed… nothing left to chance…

My mind seemed detached and yet clear ‘picture memories’ that will remain forever with me began to etched on my mind. My dearest daughter-in law thoughtfully bringing to my bedroom a soft linen handkerchief, the hugs of my two stalwart sons who seemed to be taking care of everything. I remember clearly a vision of my youngest son Jo bending to adjust  tenderly the tie of my Grandson Manu, resplendent in perfect little black suit, his sad dear  face and the hugs he gave me so often during the day, will never leave my heart. The Bells tolled across the village, calling all to this resting place.

The oh! so slow drive, carefully negotiated on ice covered lanes, the congregation filling the church, the prayers, the many readings, the just beautiful strains of  chosen music and hymns.  The overwhelming smell of  lilies and eucalyptus covering the casket,  brought tears to my eyes.

The guidance of our dear Reverend Avril, her clear voice fully in charge of proceedings but tear- filled eyes gave away this confident stance. The Stunning photo of Hamada, that our dear niece Ellie had skilfully had enlarged and had  propped against a tall glass vase of  more triumphant  white lilies for all to be able to see,our handsome man.

The splashes of mauve coloured scarves and beautiful arrangements of flowers lovingly prepared with special care caught my eye. The pink cheeks of my sisters who’s eyes showed such deep sorrow. Their dear husbands grieving for the loss of their much loved brother.

My body shook with grief as I heard the first rendering, the beautiful  Hymn “Abide With Me” the  clear delightful voice of Katherine Jenkins filling the air.Two strong hands from either side covered mine, it was enough.

Tears fell to the strains of “Ai giocco addio” from Romeo and Juliet the powerful voice of Luciano Pavorotti echoing against  the strong stone walls of this tiny ancient place, such a favourite of ours and played so often in our home.

The pride I felt at the words of  the five tributes, each perfectly clear and delivered with such compassion, each telling their own poignant story.

The words of the Eulogy read in perfect tones by my eldest Son Matt, containing only words that God could have guided his hand to write.  Telling  the most perfectly unique and complete story of our beloved Hamada. “ The days run away like wild horses over the hills”   continued to tell so much of  this dear mans life and then to finish his reading  with Khalil Gibran “The Springtime Of Love”  a poem found marked in one of  Hamada’s books. I shall keep Matt’s wonderful words safely by me for the rest of my days, they were so beautiful.

The village elder speaking in reply, with such love, support and total tenderness taking our breath away with his sincerity, and perfectly clear and powerful words of kindness his skilful reading of the ancient Psalm 23 .

The tears from everyone, as we gathered closely together and all sang along with Elton John “ Can You Feel The Love Tonight”

Some so moved that the words could not come, as the love surrounded and filled this tiny place. My dear girl friend’s face so wet, with such huge tears of sadness.

We sat in silence as Ray Lamontagne’s  beautiful guitar rift “ Truly, Madly, Deeply” gently filled our hearts.

The final:  Ray Lamontagne’s“ All The Wild Horses” completed this long farewell as everyone stood in honour.

SO many things I will remember from that God given day that allowed us to say our goodbyes,  to a perfect and much love gentleman. Youngest son Jo reciting a “Surah” in Arabic, his strong deep voice so much like his Father’s, clear in the bitter sun-filled air.

The family standing in resplendent smartness on crisp white snow as they threw their white roses of peace the long way down,  then the men – including our beloved Grandson – with hands full of dust  “dust to dust, ashes to ashes” never have I felt such love, love that surrounded these two days. Days that will never ever fade from my memory.

“May God bless you my Habibi and grant unto you eternal peace forever Amen”.

 

Photo of Lilies,cream roses,eucalyptus and banana leaves taken by Janey Johnson with thanks.

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