A Power Within

Tag: muliple myeloma

This Rollercoaster Life – by Susie Hemingway

Rollercoaster_Tornado_Avonturenpark_Hellendoorn_Netherlands

 

As swooping as the Rollercoaster
my heart hangs in fearful suspended news
that fills these ‘purple days’.
Days that bring shattered dreams,
only the strongest mind can hold.

 

My laughter becomes an echo that teeters on the edge,
as I snap and break at disclosures strewn around.
My heart bleeds to dissolve this anger
which knows no bounds, and is
as unruly as my mind.

 

Soaring high into this shimmering mosaic sky
I hang on like a child that screams into the wind,
as these punishing swoops, turn into views as
fragile and consuming as this Rollercoaster Life.

 

 

All Rights Reserved  October 2010.

Oh This Rollercoaster!

Further to the post below. On Friday afternoon, we received two calls from Lincoln Hospital, one from the Haematology Dept and one from the Renal Care Support Team both informing us, that Hamada’s  last creatinine  blood level has lowered to 423 making his eGFR now about 12. Yes, a slight improvement ! The Urea had also lowered from 18 to 15.3 (which is good).

 

The Haematology Consultant now wishes to see Hamada in six weeks! He is sending a letter to confirm this even though Hamada had accepted it completely  and was  most agreeable  with their advice not to attend any more Clinics.  So God willing maybe, just maybe, once the Revlimid and Aspirin leave his body, the kidneys may improve enough to continue with more MM treatment.

 

I am sure there are many who understand, how hard these changes are to receive from day to day. As a Carer of someone much loved, I go from being saddened to the core of my very being,  trying so hard to keep Hamada cheerful and with at least some hope.  To  being so elated that I spend my days dancing around like some demon mad woman, attached to my  iPod   forgetting to buy Vegetables and buying Lilies instead! It is nobody’s fault and I blame no one, it is as it is.

 

Yet,this rollercoaster of emotions is so very hard to deal with but I do so love being right about this, certainly for the time being at least.
If the Revlimid and aspirin leave the body could it restore the kidneys enough ? !!!

Three Years Of A New Life – A Carers View

Views On A Sunny September Day 013

As Hamada approaches three years since his Stem Cell Transplant which undoubtedly saved his life, we are eternally grateful for the extra years he has obtained from this procedure. So many of us debate about which way treatment for Multiple Myeloma should evolve. What drugs to start as front line treatment? what choices of drugs to continue with, in an effort to help and support. Even with the risks that most carry, for the many problems that for nearly all MM patients, do arrive at some time or another.

Should it be the smallest amount possible? Should you be trying to support and protect with many of these not always proven drugs as Hamada has done and continues to do, or should you go it alone?

Then what about the problems that many of these drugs can bring to someone who is now so vulnerable. What is the right course of action to take? Don’t we all ask this question at the beginning of treatment. It seems there is such a fine line to balance the needs of these drugs and the damage that some may do. It is indeed a complex issue and one which must be constantly monitored by the specialists and also through the watchful eyes of the caregiver. How important to note these sometimes subtle changes in a patient, to try to assist your consultant with good clear voicing and so one day all knowledge gained, will go forward to finding a cure for this most complex and difficult of diseases.

Ideas have changed even in the four+years that we have been on this journey. We have listened and read of new transplant procedures coming to the fore in parts of America, where they are now very hopeful and talk of a cure. Still, looking back on the past four years of treatment for Hamada, there was really no choice but to proceed to SCT as quickly as possible. His kidneys were failing, he had succumbed to two bouts of pneumonia, one so severe that his body was shutting down and we knew this was really his only chance to gain extra time. Hamada’s spine was already damaged and he was in agonising pain which thank goodness was helped with radiation. As soon as he recovered from this, he fought hard to reduced the Para Protein as quickly as possible and to get to start his ‘new life’.

I have read so much about MM over this past four years and four months, learning as much as any lay person can grasp from many different areas and from the voices of many other sufferers worldwide. I have been grateful for all the knowledge gained from good “list serves” such as ACOR and from fellow sufferers of MM and carers alike.Their blogs have given me a good insight into how MM affects/unfolds in so many very different ways for each patient. For sure, no one with MM is the same, treatments will be different for all. Some do better than others as one type of chemotherapy seems to work for one person but not for another. Many appear to remain in remission or continue with very low PP for many years. How different we all are.

I am a poet not a medical person, so it has been the biggest learning curve of my life. Still my thoughts right at the beginning of this journey and also now, were that if I could record and write just the way our personal journey unfolded, using my words in the form I know of poetry. Just telling of my feelings of these past years may help other carers to know of the fears, sadness, the coming to terms with, and all that a Carer feels, that invade thoughts daily in an effort to try to help loved ones. Perhaps this blog may help others who are just starting their journey along the same path, for others it will not, unique as we all are.

For carers who read my simple poems will know, that each tells a story of that particular time in this journey, just as the changing seasons tell us what is happening daily. To convey my feelings in this fashion, also helps me to remember, just how I felt at the dates show on each poem.

Perhaps for some this is a strange form to write a diary of events, but MM is a complex illness as we all are and it is perfect for me, thus enabling me to remember every minute of it all and to free the emotions that often fill this time.

Hamada is continuing well I feel with Revlimid, now on his second course, not having any side effects that he cannot manage. Of course he is more than weary, managing his maintenance drugs daily and the dreaded 40mg of Dex weekly along with Revlimid, always grateful for these past extra three years, which many times prior to the SCT we never thought would be possible. I am aware of course that this is not always the way to proceed and for some if they are otherwise well and not with compromised kidneys or bone lesions, will not choose SCT until all other avenues have been exhausted.

There is no right or wrong way that I can see, only that each person should be treated in their own unique way, as symptoms present themselves and by good valuation of bloods and careful monitoring of precious bones, not from some ‘set out’ protocol. Still what do I really know? only that dear Hamada is still alive after a very poor prognosis and doing dare I say ‘fairly well’. 

Stay well all who read this post and continue to make good choices as I continue to record this journey in ‘poems of love’

All Rights Reserved Sept 2010

Another Miracle is Required.

Patricia Matt Sandrine and Manu Visit - April 2010 014

It was a sad day for us both yesterday which brought  bad news that Hamada is just not responding well enough to the chemotherapy drug Velcade. With just eleven infusions received since starting in late February and  many stops and starts along the way due to a chest infection, severe reduction in neutrophils and platelets, it has been hard work for him from day one.  Now again the next and what looks like the last cycle of  four Velcade infusions- unless a miracle happens- will be supported with Filgrastim 30MIU/05 injections started yesterday and continuing throughout the next four infusions. Hamada’s Doctor at Lincoln informed us that a very poor reduction of 4.5 in para-protein level after eleven infusions is really not good enough and is  now most unlikely to make the 50% reduction needed  to continue. Yesterday Neutrophils were an alarming 0.68 and PP still at 14 !

So dear family and friends unless another miracle happens and we’ve had a few, Velcade will not be the wonderful elixir we so hoped would  work for dear Hamada.

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