I felt it appropriate on this first anniversary to post again two poems written around this time last year. The first, the simple poem “This Rollercoaster Life†was written when I knew and needed to accept that there was no more that could be done for Hamada or rather that there was no more medical intervention that our dearest Hamada could possibly have managed or that he wanted done. Although we still kept hope alive really apart from the love and tender care I could possibly achieve during his final days, I knew I had to accept that this was the time to stop fighting to keep him with us and pass on my care to the Almighty. The second poem was written shortly after losing Hamada and deals with the acute and painful feelings of this time. Letting go with dignity is hard when all you want to do is scream aloud with the painful sadness you feel. I have made it through this first year with much help from my dear family, very close friends and my MM friends worldwide. I thank them from the bottom of my heart for their love and patience but mostly I chose to grieve in private, apart from a few rants on here or when hearing a favourite song or piece of music that we both loved, caught me unaware. I may place a smile on my face everyday but my heart tells a different story.This man was much to miss!
“Hamada’s story†is still and will remain on http://www.susiehemingway.blogspot.com It is in reverse order for the new friends who I know come here from other sites to read about MM, ending with his final days and covering more than four years. All aspects of emotion in the form of poems and many entries on caring and loving someone deeply as we both came to terms with the disease that is Multiple Myeloma.
Today and always I salute this special man: “I miss you dearest one as the sun comes up everyday and the moon appears at night, and as private as my tears fall, I miss you with every breath I takeâ€
“This Rollercoaster Life†– 24 October 2010.
As swooping as the Rollercoaster
my heart hangs in fearful suspended news
that fills these ‘purple days’.
Days that bring shattered dreams,
only the strongest mind can hold.
My laughter becomes an echo that teeters on the edge
as I snap and break at disclosures strewn around.
My heart bleeds to dissolve this anger
which knows no bounds and as unruly as my mind.
Soaring high into this shimmering mosaic sky,
I hang on like a child that screams into the wind,
as these punishing swoops, turn into views as
fragile and as consuming as this Rollercoaster life.
All Rights Reserved: October 2010.
“Let Me Not†– 2 December 2010.
Let me not falter dear Lord.
Let me not fall at this final hurdle.
Guide me now to complete this task.
Let me not plaintively wail and scream as my heart doth now.
Allow me to show dignity that he always showed.
Let me not stand beneath the stars and scream his name aloud.
Let me remember this day, as we honour him.
Grant me the courage that he always showed.
Let me not go down on my bended knees and shout at the sky,
And implore you to return him to me.
Let me not fall at this final hurdle.
Give me the strength Oh Lord not to fail,
with this final task…
All Rights Reserved: November 2010
"Poetry is the opening and closing of a door,
leaving those who look through to guess about
what is seen during a moment" Carl Sandburg
